Do you ever just stop dead in your tracks to stare at the person you love?

Does it nearly knock you over with emotion when you see them make that one certain face? or that sly smile?

Does every morsel of fear and doubt melt from your body with just one silly little wink?

I'm amazed on a daily basis at how much emotion i have for the man in my life. somedays i don't know if i can make it another day. some nights i go over and over in my head what it would be like for both of us if we just ended it all now.

And then he touches me, smiles, laughes at me or makes a goofy face. every doubt just disappears. it just vanishes.

Seeing his face brightens my day like nothing else can.

Today i'm thankful for my little creep.

My finances.

I've been told by a few people in the past few weeks that I should re-evaluate how I spend my money. I've been told that I should keep things to myself, no matter if it's debt or fun things like concerts, football games, or going out. I've been told that it doesn't make me look good and that it makes me look irresponsible.

People ask me why I do things when I have zero money and have to stress myself out with budgeting and second jobs.

Well, I think I need to clear the air. If more than one people have said this to me in the past weeks than I'm sure more people are out there wondering the same thing.

I find these comments unsolicited. I find them rude, mean, and upsetting.

The people that say these things only know what they are reading on Facebook.

I have not been shy about letting people know that I am in debt. I also have budgeted and dealt with my creditors so that the $8k I am in debt will be paid off completely by June 2011. Yippee!!!

My budget is intense. If you put it into one of those budget calculator things then you will get -$314 a month. Thankfully I have someone in my life that helps me take food costs out of my budget, helps pay the majority of my house bills, drives me around so I only need to spend enough on gas to get me to Seattle for school. That helps bring that budget down to about -$100.

I have taken a second job for the holiday season and will hopefully start this week.  I have multiple resumes out for other second jobs that will pay more.  I have been very proactive in taking care of what needs to be taken care of.

 And it sucks. It sucks to eat Minute rice with frozen vegetables for dinner. It sucks to be so reliant on Cory to help take care of me. It sucks that not a soul will get a Christmas present this year. It sucks that I haven't been able to cook or bake because, well, it's just not in the budget. It sucks that I have to plan my visits to my nieces based on my gas.

But I do what needs to be done.

People think that I don't have my priorities straight since I go to every Seahawks home game, concerts at least once a month, and out with friends every once in a while.

Well, we bought our season tickets back in April. By we, I mean CORY.  I paid for a very small portion of them and I paid for it with money I saved from tips. When we go we normally find free parking and walk to the stadium. We bring sandwiches we make at home and spiced up popcorn. Rarely we will buy a hot dog outside of the game for about $5. We each drink one beer and sometimes 2 but that is not often. Our games cost us, on average, $24 every other week. We split who pays every other time so that is about $25 a month per person.

Our concerts we go to are always planned out. Cory is normally the one that pays for the expensive shows. I pay for the small bar shows we go to which are normally $10 for the two of us. At any show we go to we only drink 1-2 beers each of the cheapest beer. Normally we drink about $20 tops at these shows. The bar shows we spend way less because of that good ol' PBR.

When I go out with friends I bring no more than $25.00 cash with me. Rarely will I spend $30. I pick what or if I eat and I choose my drinks wisely. It's rare that I even go out. It happens less than once a month.

We don't go to the movies (it's been almost a year since we sat in a theatre), we don't eat at pricey places, I don't buy new clothes, I quit smoking because of the money it costs, our pantry is bare and empty because we can't do a full grocery trip, I don't get my hair or nails done, I don't tan, I don't waste my money.

My money is my money and Cory's money is his. When he buys a new car or bike, it's him buying it. When we go to fancy shows, it's because Cory wanted to treat me. We don't share our finances. We aren't married. We are merely dating. He does so much for me financially in helping cover my house bills that it is wrong to tell him to stop buying the things he wants.

I do let him know that sometimes it makes me uncomfortable that he can do all these things and I can't. It makes me nervous that he is going to get sick of putting up with this broke girl and find a new lady. I hate that he has to pay for everything we do that I don't have budgeted in. I hate that he asks before I go out if I need gas money or emergency money.

But you know what? If it wasn't for him splurging on these things then I would go crazy. I would break my budget to go out and have some fun and would surely be drowning in debt.  Because Cory is so generous with his money I am able to dig myself out from under. Because he is willing to help me with my portion of our house bills doesn't mean he is able to pay off my debts and he shouldn't have to. He knows that weathering this storm just means a better financial future for the two of us down the road.

So to all of you out there that think you can judge me. Know your facts. I get to have fun because I have a man that helps me out when needed and because I save for it. I am broke but that doesn't mean I am doomed to sitting at home with my dollar store popcorn.
I think it is very important to treat yourself with in your means. If you don't then you just turn bitter at the people that do get to treat themselves and that's just unfair to both me and those people I turn bitter to.

I'm going to continue to budget, continue to save every penny in my HUGE change jar so I can have 'fun' money, I'm going to continue to bust my ass to live the life I want to live. I learned that I really am an adult and can't go begging for money from my parents. I need to do it all on my own.  But I am willing to take tuition donations! ;)

So Please! Can everyone understand that Cory's money is not my money. I don't get to dictate what he buys. Do not judge me and my finances because you don't know where MY money is going. Cory's new truck is his truck. Cory's toys are his toys. Our football seats are Cory's football seats. Every single piece of furniture in our house is Cory's except for my $20 dining room table, free TV in the bedroom and the Queen bed that was once my mother's and is now my guest bed, and my gifted bowflex. Almost every pair of shoes in my closet was bought by Cory for me. The Jeep I drive is registered to Cory and he bought it for me for my birthday. I did buy Wheeler fr $100 but Cory buys everything he needs and eats, including my shoes, my hats, my pillows etc.

To close this ranting and WAY too long post, Cory makes it possible for me to live a good life. All my family and friends should be happy for me and proud of me for making my debt my priority and proud of Cory for making me his priority. So I thank you for your concern and what you felt was just friendly advice. I know you are just trying to look out for me.

Love you all and thanks for sticking through it all!

Wheeler and his sleep.....

My dog is a spoiled doggy. He gets to do whatever he damn pleases because, well, he is so darn cute!
He gets fed his regular dog food in the morning and normally doesn't touch it until we get home. He scarfs that down and then gets a second bowl of dog food with a steak, chicken breast or a slice of pizza. Basically we cook for three around these parts.

Like I said, the dog is spoiled.

He is also entirely too lazy. I was cleaning out my phone and found so many pictures of him sleeping I figured I would share with you all! Here is part one of who-knows-how-many-parts-of-my-lazy-spoiled-dog's cute mug!

Wheeler being the lead in the begging pack!

Sleeping on the couch with the boy's legs wrapped around him

Laying in the corner at the vet, trying to avoid the tech!

He loves the heater... like, loves it!

Every morning this is what he does when we get out of bed.

Yes, he was sleeping like this for about 2 hours.

He then decided my face would be much more comfortable.

Aren't puppies supposed to be energetic???

This is how my dog plays with his toys. Yep.

Dreaming about those darn flies he loves to chase.

He has decided he doesn't need an invitation to be on the couch anymore.

Snuggled up in the blankie.

Really wanting to close those big brown eyes!

I'll leave you with that overdose of adorable! Much more of where these came from in the future!!

xoxox



Are you REEEAAAADDDYYYYYYY????

Getting soo very excited for the Steel Panther show on Halloween at the Showbox Market!! Always an amazing show and this one should be even crazier with it being on one of my favorite days of all days!! Now for me to find an outfit to wear!!

Here is a few peaks of what I wore to the show a month or so ago.....

Rocked it with my cut off fishnets and of course my 6" patent black studded stillettos!

Now I just gotta find some more '80s gear in the depths of my closet........

Pumpkin patch!

Last week I went to Foster Farm's Produce up in Arlington to spend the morning with my adorable two little nieces, my lovely sis-in-law Stephanie and my brother Brandon.

Kayla is hitting the 4 foot mark here while her sister.....

                                             Kai Lil' is getting sooo close to the 3 foot mark!



We are still working on Kai being comfortable around me. Each time I visit she seems to like me a bit more. I found that if you bring presents she is much more likely to like you! Smart lady that one!

Brandon, Kai and Kayla had a bit of fun as farm animals!

It was still too early for the sweet little piggies to be up and playing. The Chicken was smart in keeping her feet warm on their backs though!



They had a small little hay maze for $1 per person that ended up making me and Steph sweat. I think we were so early in getting there that they hadn't gone around and cleaned up since their Saturday rush. The hay stacks were all falling over and blocking the paths so Brandon watched on while we struggled to pave out a path for the lovely little damsels.

Kayla decided that she was going to "Just Go Nuts"

After our romp thru the hay and peak at the animals we went on down to the Charlie Brown pumpkin patch to get some pumpkins.  Somehow the pictures I have of the ladies and their loot has vanished from my phone! The girls had fun though with Auntie TT  (me) pushing Kai in the wheel barrel and Kayla leading the way where she found the pumpkin slingshot stand!!

Kayla came the closest to hitting her ghost! Only a few feet away!

After all of us doing the slingshot and picking our pumpkins it was time to conquer the corn maze!! I have done a million of these things and every time I get frustrated and just start running thru the corn in one direction to find my way out. We had Kayla as our navigator and I thought it would be hours until we found our way out! We had to find 11 'clues' that they had posted all thru the maze and mark it down on our sheet, which didn't help my thoughts on our outcome!  

Kai was stylin' with my fabulous pumpkin beanie made by Marin!

Kai and her proud papa!! My bro makes good looking kids!

With Kayla paving the way we actually did pretty good! I think we made it out within an hour and found every clue! We started to get a few tantrums so we got smart and started breaking up to run down dead ends and find the last clues! it worked out perfectly!

The little cheeseballs on the hay ride with auntie tt!

After the maze, me and the girls hopped on the tractor for a quick spin around the farm. Kai loved every second of it and Kayla was the perfect big sister making sure Kai was safe! Afterwards we all headed out to a quick lunch before Bran had work and I had to go meet the boy for some shooting out in the woods!! All in all a fabulous day and made that much sweeter since Kai let me love on her!! 

Oh and be sure to check out the link in the post below this for the video of the amazing goat that was there!!

Black Jack the goat at Foster's Produce

I want this! i've seen it at world market and greenhouse up in bellingham. i'm so in love with this 15 dollar teapot that it has been my wallpaper on my phone for the past 3 months. its absolutely adorable!

I love that it is detailed and yet so clean and simple with the white. you all are more than welcome to go buy this as a present for me! hehehe

For now, i'll just continue staring at it via the tiny image on my phone.

So i have been working on my plating presentations at school lately.

I made breakfast the other day and when i looked down at my plate this is what i saw...

Tonight... my dear friend ashley kent became ashley holzer. a gorgeous couple on their gorgeous day.

This is an ad inside one of the biker magazines at work... it's a crush resistant contianer for all those banana loving bikers. they are currently working on a chrome-billett version as well! tell me what you think it looks like!

Marin Made Love

Well.... I just wrote an amazing review for my amazing friend marin and then my computer went all batty on me. So instead you get this awesome post about how awesome my friends is and how you should check out her unbelievable products!

The cutest baby hat!.... Which will go on this baby head....

Wyatt! Here he is wearing his MarinMade earflap hat! 9 months later and it's still his fave!

My awesome PUMPKIN hat!

I LOVE my Newsboy hat!

Adore my red Flower headband!

My black one too!

No pictures of my adorable bow headbands! I have purple, orange, and a seahawks color bows!



I have more Marin Made items than I can count and have gifted many as well and all to rave reviews.  All year long I have family and friends begging me to get them something from Marin's site. Whether it's her adorable button push-pins she aptly named 'Sprinkles' or her cute little tiny baby flower lace headbands and matching flower onesies.

Her products all come out gorgeous, soft, and so comfortable. She can custom fit things to whatever size you need from baby to big ol' jock heads! :)  There is something in there for everyone and if you think you would love a variation on something, just ask! the girl is amazing at making whatever creation you can think of!

Be sure to check out her shop  as well as her facebook fan page! 

A poem....

This poem was posted on threemanycooks and I had to share it with you all.
It reminds me of high school.
It reminds me of now.

I always have these feelings that something is going to happen and it does. I'm able to read people and have a pretty good idea on what choice they are about to make. I don't think it has anything to do with supernatural powers but I do believe it has everything to do with how in-tune I feel with my body.

I know my body well. I try to treat it well and with respect. I listen to what she is telling me and I respond accordingly.

I wasn't always like that. I used to put my poor body and soul through hell over and over again. During those times I had no clue what my body was trying to tell me. I had no emotions except for anger.

Now that I am a bit older and a tiny bit wiser I know to listen. I know to take those 2 seconds to feel what should be done.

I am an Emotional Creature
by Eve Ensler
I love being a girl.
I can feel what you’re feeling
as you’re feeling it inside
the feeling
before.

I am an emotional creature.
Things do not come to me
as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.

They pulse through my organs and legs
and burn up my ears.

I know when your girlfriend’s really pissed off
even though she appears to give you what
you want.

I know when a storm is coming.

I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air.

I can tell you he won’t call back.

It’s a vibe I share.

I am an emotional creature.

I love that I do not take things lightly.

Everything is intense to me.

The way I walk in the street.

The way my mother wakes me up.

The way I hear bad news.

The way it’s unbearable when I lose.

I am an emotional creature.

I am connected to everything and everyone.

I was born like that.

Don’t you dare say all negative that it’s a
teenage thing
or it’s only only because I’m a girl.

These feelings make me better.

They make me ready.

They make me present.

They make me strong.

I am an emotional creature.

There is a particular way of knowing.

It’s like the older women somehow forgot.

I rejoice that it’s still in my body.

I know when the coconut’s about to fall.

I know that we’ve pushed the earth too far.

I know my father isn’t coming back.

That no one’s prepared for the fire.

I know that lipstick means
more than show.

I know that boys feel super-insecure
and so-called terrorists are made, not born.

I know that one kiss can take
away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.

This is not extreme.

It’s a girl thing.

What we would all be
if the big door inside us flew open.

Don’t tell me not to cry.

To calm it down

Not to be so extreme

 I love being a woman and all that entails!

Yummy Yummy dinner!

This is what I do when I have an evening to myself.

I create delicious meals that are enough for two but meant for one.

That means if someone shows up I could share but if they don't show, oh man, then I get to eat it ALL!
This particular dish was very easy and very fast, all together about 20 minutes or so.

I'm not very good at writing down my recipes and in all reality I probably never will be good at it.

For this dinner I only had to spend about $20 at the store and it fed me twice that night as well as lunch the next day. I adapted it from another blog I love- http://www.autumnwades.blogspot.com/

Ingredients needed-

• Salmon- how ever much you want to eat! I cooked two 6oz fillets
• broccoli head- seperated into smaller pieces
• grape or cherry tomatoes- a small pint or little flat works fine
• 4-6 Mushrooms- totally optional and sliced
• 1 shallot- minced
• 4 cloves garlic-minced
• noodles- whole grain rotini works great
• Olive Oil
• 2 Lemons
• Basil
• Sourdough baguette
• I also used some italian herb paste I happened to have in my fridge. You can buy it in the produce isle in a little tube.

1. Preheat oven to 375 F for your salmon and start a pot of water for your noodles. Season salmon with olive oil, salt and pepper, and whatever else you enjoy. (I think I added a sprinkle of garlic powder and a sprinkle of dried dill as well). Next, place salmon, skin side down, in a baking dish lined in foil and then place a few tabs of butter, then basil, then lemon slices on top of the salmon ( I also added a quick splash of white wine into the pan with the fish). Bake 15-20 minutes depending on thickness.
2. While Salmon is baking and water is starting to boil, heat about 3 tablespoons of olive oil in a medium to large size pan on medium high heat. Add shallots, garlic and mushrooms and stir around until mushrooms start to get soft. Add in tomatoes, turn heat to med-low and cover until tomatoes look ready to burst.  The tomatoes will act as your sauce when they start to burst and get stirred together with everything else.
3. Throw pasta in the salted boiling water and cook to al dente. While that is simmering, slice a few thin slices of bread and coat in olive oil, set aside.
4. Check on tomatoes and season with salt, pepper, italian herbs of your choosing. I squeezed lemon juice in and added a few tablespoons of white wine as well.
5. When noodles are done, use a slotted spoon to transfer directly to the pan with your tomatoes. Use the pasta water to quickly blanch your broccoli until it turns bright green and then add the broccoli to the pan with your noodles. Stir it all together and then add thinly sliced strips of basil. Taste and season more if needed.
6. Grab another pan and place 2 tbsp butter in the pan w/ a tiny bit of olive oil and melt together with a few thin slices of garlic. Place your bread on top of the garlic slices and toast in the skillet. Flip and toast the other side as well.
7. Your salmon should be done now so plate it up and serve with some delish wine and some good convo!

This is totally basic and can be changed to almost any season of the year. In the spring and summer you can add green beans and zukes, winter you can add squashes, would be great with sundried tomatoes and olives. Make it your own and taste it as you go. I change everything everytime I make something just so I can learn what I like most.

Let me know what you guys think if you try it out! I made this about 2 weeks ago and tried to just remember what I did. LOL. Next time I will do better and write it all down while doing it and try to be more organized in writing it out for you guys!

Wheeler update!!

Wheeler is growing up and spoiled as ever! He spends his nights smooshed between me and Cory until he gets sick of me using him as a pillow so then he wiggles to the other side of me and pushes me off my pillow so that he can rest his little head. So spoiled. Now that it is getting colder, he gets wrapped in his own blanket at night too.... an 80 pound dog wrapped up like a burrito. Ridiculous.

He has been way too spoiled lately. He gets better food than we do most nights! I am trying to teach him to cock his head to the side and blink three times for treats! The only problem is it's so damn cute that it kinda encourages begging.

We took him camping with a few friends, their dogs and dirt bikes a few months back. Cory and I got there first and Wheeler loved running with the bikes! A few times he would be fine and not care if Cory took off but then a minute later he would book off to find him. It was very nerve racking! Especially once the other bikes got there. I had to keep pepperoni slices on me to bribe him to stay in the camp! He finally got so worn out he just collapsed. The poor dog who is so stocky he can barely run around the yard is running as fast as the bikes through rocky terrain for upwards of 10 minutes at a time! lol. He was so sore he was literally shaking to stand.

We took him with us for our family picnic as well and what a hassle! He has such horrible seperation anxeity that he freaks out if left alone. He did fine once we got smart adn tied him up with another dog up at the house and away from the commotion.

Maybe it's time for a buddy for the Wheeler dog??

Smile!

I got a pretty new smile yesterday!

Ever since I was little I always had a huge dent in my tooth just left of my front tooth (which in this picture it is the tooth on the right of my right front tooth). Yesterday I got it filed down and filled in!

I can't believe how much more confident I feel with such a minor adjustment! I know no one else has probably even realized the difference but to me, it's like a whole new world!

You know when you have a tiny pimple that no one else sees but it makes you so unsure and uncomfortable? That was me with this tooth except mine didn't go away in a week. It stayed for years!

It's all gone now and I am so much closer to my dream smile! I have a few cleanings left and then I'm off to get them white! I can't wait for the day that I can smile with absolute confidence and gorgeous teeth!

Small teeth and big gums but they will be healthy and white! -the teeth, the gums will be healthy and pink!

Well damn it!

I have to admit something.

I am cheating on all of you.

I have another blog that I update often. I feel like I can open myself up more and use it as more of a therapeutic blog.

I'm sorry. It's like an emotional affair. I won't do you wrong anymore.

At least, I'll try not to.
I am now on Fall break! If you can call it that. It only lasts about 2 weeks and it already seems to be flying by! Spring quarter I pulled off two B's and an A. I think that is pretty good but at the same time I know I didn't even try and that it could have been much better. Summer quarter grades are not in yet but I think it will be the same with two B's and an A.  I know I can do better if I stop procrastinating on everything! I am just going to have to make sure I keep my ass in check so that I can have the highest GPA possible at the end of Fall quarter, my last quarter!
My summer has flown by with no activities that really made it feel like summer. I didn't get to go on a boat, didn't go to the river, nor did I go camping more than once. I didn't get to the Gorge, I didn't have a BBQ, and I feel like I missed all of summer. School three nights a week really took the cake this year!

Fall is trying to come say hello but for whatever reason the heat has been hanging on making it humid, rainy, foggy, sticky, and too hot!

I'm looking forward to decorating for fall, carving pumpkins, costumes and turkey planning! I love this time of year and am ready for it to start!

I normally I love fall weather with the rain and fog. But I like CRISP fall weather! I don't like this humid crap that makes it hard to move with out breaking into a sweat!

Confessions: Take 2

I'm happiest when my world is in order.

I'm not OCD about it but I love things in their proper places at the proper times.

My morning starts out perfect if the bathroom floor is clean of lint, hair, and grime.

I love when my toilet is sparkling white without the pink hard water ring of gooey yuckiness staring up from the bowl.

The cherry on top is when I have a fresh shower liner, sparkling walls and a perfectly scrubbed bathtub to stand in.

Now that is just for the first ten minutes of my day! It gets even better when all my shoes are lined up in the closet waiting for me to pick them while my tops hang above them in perfect order; from tank top to long sleeve and each section by color.

I love opening my sock drawer to perfectly rolled socks and my panty drawer with everything in order.

I hate digging thru piles of clean socks for matching socks.

I hate brushing my teeth while a dirty sink with shavings in it stares up at me. YUCK

Well, what this ends up doing is setting my day up for failure or success. I don't think it should be that way and so I am making steps to start every day on a great note by being more organized!

I got a basket for the bathroom to hold the magazines, bath bombs, baby wipes and tampons that always clutter the back of the toilet and around the floor of the toilet.

I bought a few cheap shower liners at walmart so I can switch them out when the bottom gets grimy.

I'm doing a quick scrub down with the toilet brush when that water ring forms and I'm looking into tablets I can put in the back to soften the water.

I have a huge canister of Lysol wipes that I grab to do quick wipe downs of the counters, walls, and floors.

So far so good.

My kitchen has been rearranged a total of 8 times in the past 1 1/2 years and I think I finally found a way that works for me and feels clean, open and organized.

My living room has been changed around to feel more comfortable and cozy, while my downstairs bathroom is finally put together with a theme and I love it!

I have a dining room table that has become a 'catch-all' and that is my next mission- organize the bills upstairs to my desk and make my table for EATING at!

I feel like I have my house primed to start working for me and feeling like a home. I can't wait for school to be over so books, papers, knives, aprons, and the smell of onions can leave my living room for good!

Now if I can find a way to calm my road rage on my 75 minute commute every morning.....

Summa Summa Summa time.....

August always seems to be such a crazy busy month. I feel like everyone holds off on all their summer plans until August.

Now, I don't know if this is just because in the Pacific NW it seems to be a better bet for weather or if people just like to slowly wade into their summer. Step by step entering into the crazy whirlpool of summertime living.
 
July seems to be the lazy month. The month we go with the flow and take our time with making plans and being more last minute and spontaneous. July is the month that you get to grab some friends and head up to a river somewhere for a few days. You get to call everyone over for a impromptu BBQ. You can lay on the top of the sheets in bed with fans blowing in all directions for as long as you like. Sleeping in on weekends is a given. Wonderfully warm mid-afternoon naps on the couch. You take advantage of EVERY SINGLE nice day outside.

Then Comes August!

If you are like me, your entire fridge is covered in invitations to Bridal Showers, Baby Showers, Bachelorette Parties, Wedding Showers, Weddings, Birth Announcements, Birthdays, Family reunions, Family BBQ's..... Every weekend is packed to the max and every spare second of the work week is filled with baking, cooking, cleaning, shopping for said events.

If July is the Lazy month then August is the Over Achiever of the bunch.

August tries to cram it all in.

I think August forgets that there is still 11 more months in the year besides her.  In Washington, September can be just as nice and agree-able as August.   Why can't she share with her?

Today is the last day of August and I couldn't be happier!  I'm ready for the slower pace of life. I'm ready for the cozy weather, the baking, the twinkle lights, the fog, the crisp air, the golden colors.

As much as I adored my brother's wedding, the family picnic, my best friend from middle school's bridal shower, and all the other amazing things I was able to witness in the month of August, I'm ready for my September. I'm even MORE ready for my favorite month of all time!!!

October are you ready for me?!?!

Confessions, take one

I am about 6 days late for this post... What can I say?

I really didn't want to have to post anything about what I want to better in my life because then I actually have to make an effort at making it better. You know?

Like, don't talk about it; be about it?

So, I was going to start this off very lightly. Kinda a watered down version of what I am wanting to make better. But what the heck is the point of that???

My first confession is that I am in debt.

My debt isn't fun debt either.

It's not because I have credit cards to buy fancy clothes or dinners.

It's not because I have a nice car with some cool wheels and stereo.

It's not because I take awesome vacations or have a wii or an ipod or go tanning every damn day.

NOPE! Not this ladies debt!  

My debt is boring debt. I am in debt because I was more interested in giving prior boyfriends and myself a good life. I was more interested in making sure our rent was paid, the water was paid, some food in the cupboards and his payments made when he was unemployed.

Instead of budgeting wisely, like I do when I am single, I would use whatever money I had to make the men around me more comfortable and happy. So the debt I carry now is from not making those payments on a $400 doctor bill, not paying the $60 on a power bill, not making the payments on a loan that I stupidly took out at 19 "just because I was pre-approve". 

My debt is the result of poor planning. My credit score is a reflection of that. I also move a lot. When you move a lot, you don't receive statements and at 20 years old,  things that are out of sight tend to be out of mind. I have been working hard on my credit for the past 2 years. I have been so close to getting things cleared up and then right when I start to see light on the other side something creeps up that I had no clue about.

I'm in a flare up at this moment.  I received a call at my work about a garnishment that would be against me. i had no clue what the heck this could be about and so I check my credit. BOOM!

I had just checked my credit report about 6 months ago and it was no where near where it is now. Things that I thought were taken care of are back with a vengeance. Things that I was promised would not be my debt are now negatively affecting me. For THOUSANDS of dollars. These are no longer measly little things that made it to collections because I wasn't paying attention. These are things that are affecting me because of miscommunication, because of "lost faxes", because the creditors have lost paperwork.

My goal is a long-term goal. I am planning on having every cent of debt, except for my school debt, cleared up in the next 11 months.

I see no reason that I can not do this. My life may be boring for a year but that is OK. It's worth it.

I want to be married and with children in the next 7 years and me clearing my debt will allow that to happen. It will place me in a better position to be able to move forward with my life. I will be able to start saving for my retirement and my children. I will be in a better position for buying a house when that time comes. I will be able to feel more confident about myself.

That is why I am doing this. I need to have the confidence back that I deserve with my finances.

It will be a long year and a tough journey but I'm sure I'll learn a few good tricks up my sleeve as I go.

One Year Blogiversary!!

Yesterday was the official day.... ONE YEAR of half-ass blogging.

I found a few new blogs that have inspired me so much in the past few days. The only problem is that I couldn't stop reading them.
I read all the way back to when they started the damn blogs! Some of those were in 2006 some in 2007 all of them posted at least weekly.
That's a lot of blog reading! Which, in turn, means less writing on my blog!!

The past year has brought so many little changes I don't even know where to start and in reality they may bore you with how minute they are. I have done posts on where I was a year ago a few times on here. Since those posts not much major has happened though...

I am still at Eastside Harley and still love it here.

I am still in school until December.

My and the monkey man still love each other more and more each day.

We still live in the same great house with our Roommate, JJ, and our pup pup, Wheeler.

We still have Seahawk Season tickets and we still have too much crap!.

All in all, Ii don't feel like much has happened in the past year. I know it has. I know we have changed individually and as a couple. I know my faith in myself and us and God has gone through every hill and valley it can go through.

But in the end, it's all the same.

I don't know how to feel about that in all honesty.

I'm so used to constant change. I'm used to moving every year. I'm used to getting a new job every year or every other year.  I'm used to breaking up and getting back together multiple times. I'm used to turmoil.

I just realized that now I need to make my change positive. It doesn't need to be life shattering change.

I can switch up my gym routine. I can re-arrange the house. I can start painting for the house. I can start cooking more with my own versions and start trusting myself more. I can start going for walks. I can start turning off the TV and turning on the music more.

Have I ever told you how much I hate the TV?   I would love to not have one in the house. I would love to save that $100.00 a month and to just have music always on. I would love to dance more. I would love to talk more.  I would love to just have silence more!

Do you ever think about that?

If you get rid of the TV it forces your butt to get moving. Leave the house. Do something...

Anyways....

I'm going to look at this one year anniversary as a "New Year"...
Time for some resolutions!!

Every week I am going to do a confession type of post. I'm going to let you know one thing that I really want to change in myself to make my life run a little smoother.  I have a few ideas in mind but I am going to need you guys to keep me accountable for these little goals. I'll be posting my first one tomorrow!!

Oh and by the way..... My brother is getting married on Saturday!!!

Frustration mounts.....

Oh man, does it mount!  

So many things right now that are adding to the high possibility of myself having a heart attack before the age of 25! One of which happens to be this damn blog layout! I have tried everything to take that damn 'shabby blog' button off my posts and to go back to a simple layout. But NOOOOOOOOO!!! The damn thing is stuck the way it is and it grates on me horribly.

Nothing about the layout of this blog is comforting to me. Or clean. Or makes me want to spend time trying to browse through it all. So I know it can't be that wonderful for you guys! It needs an overhaul!

Besides the layout of the darn Shabby Blogs blog,  I am also dealing with a few other stresses these days.

The most of which being about money.

Money, money, money baby!

Isn't that what it always seems to be about? Does that ever end?   ;p  

Between all the fun new things that seem to be creeping up on my credit from out of nowhere and the schooling I choose to do, I'm in a tough spot!  I am very grateful of the fact that I am in school at least, and that I do have pretty decent moral support behind me. That helps me remember it's not all over. I still have someone to help feed me if I need it!

I am about $9,000 in the hole right now, not including school. I have about $5,000 of that being settled down to a little under $3,000 at monthly payments of $250 for the next 12 months. Ouch! But it will take a huge chunk of debt off my shoulders. All of the other debt is being disputed and fought. Only time will tell that outcome.  My credit score is not as disastrous as I expected though!

I need to remember through all of this that, yes, it is easy to blame it on past people in my life but it is still my responsibility. Yes, it sucks that a tiny miscommunication between two people can result in one person being hit with a debt of $2,500 out of nowhere and to now be garnished for it, but it's a fact of life I suppose. It teaches you to be more aware and in control of your own financial destiny.

Now that I am getting older, I am actually looking forward to owning a home with the man I love. I'm looking forward to, in the future, having babies and being able to buy them what they need when they need it. I'm looking forward to being able to feel comfortable with going to the grocery store and not pinching pennies too tightly. I'm very much looking forward to driving a car that I don't need to have loaded with 2 liters of water and a 5 gallon jug of oil in the back 'just in case'. Oh, how I ever look forward to that!

And it will happen! I promise you and me that. It will happen to me. Do you want to know why??
Because i see it, I want it, and I am prepared to struggle for it.

In all things of life, that right there is what you need to understand.  if there is something you want different in your life, all you have to do is start seeing it differently. Stop seeing everything as obstacles people!  Everything can be an opportunity for growth. You just have to actually be ready for it.

now that I updated you all on the biggest thing that is sitting in my heart and mind, I got lots more good news to come!!! I have 4 weddings in the next 2 months! I have my family picnic, Cory's birthday, and my favorite time of the year coming up!   keep checking back for updates on the craziness to come!

~ much love!

Brief, my ass.

Warning..... I started this post back at the start of March. Since then I have 3 more posts that haven't made it in to the blog. I really enjoyed re-reading this one and think I need to share it with you all! So here is a glimpse into my mind on March 4th 2010....

I have started three posts since my last post. None of those three have made it to the 'Publish Post' button. Part of this is because I quit half way thru whatever I was writing and part of it was that I just wasn't 'feeling' it.

Life has been pretty sweet and pretty standard. I don't really feel like much has happened that is blog-worthy. But, you don't read this for award winning stories do you? You read this to get to know me and my daily hoopla. So, with that in mind I will overview with you my life in the past 3 weeks!

I DID make those sweet little Valentine's for my church family and they were devoured! I, sadly, did not get to try the fresh raspberry cupcakes with almond ganache and fresh raspberries for garnish.  I hear they were absolutely delicious though! I did get to try the red velvet whoopie pies and the birthday cake cookie sandwiches! Oh I love cherry chip cake mix!

Our Valentine's was pretty laid back. I went to church and BF slept in. When I got home we tried to go to the Buzz Inn for lunch and it was so bad we actually walked out after 3 bites. That put a damper on the mood and we just laid in bed and watched Weeds for a few hours. For dinner we went to Rory's in Edmonds for dinner with his parents and it was a blast!  We tried to go out to a movie afterwards and that was a no-chance-in-hell! The line was so long!!!

The rest of the week was busy as usual with school and work... work and school. Than that Saturday it was party time!!!

I had my bday party at the Cactus Moon Saloon, which is kinda like my family bar. It was so much fun! I rocked it with my huge patent leather stillettos and my acid wash grey skinny jeans with zippers up the sides!

Man, I love the '80's!!!

I had so many great friends come out, it was amazing! Stephanie C. from high school made a guest appearance, which was awesome and so so so sweet of her!  I had Josh J. show up and hang out with strangers the entire night! Marin and Mike graced us with their awesomeness, even though my poor Marin was sick! Almost all my Cylce Barn friends came and said hi, same with my Mosaic family. It was a very special night for me to have everyone there mingling together and meeting BF.

I even made a special 'Penis' table to fit everyone at and it was a HIT! 

I don't remember too much for the remainder of the evening but I know it was a good time had by all!

The next morning I had to dig myself out of bed and climb in the truck because we were off to Ellensburg to get me a JEEP!

Once we got there, we relaxed and shot guns and ate some food and then hit the sack early to be able to get our booties on the road the next day. It was a lonely drive down a twisty pass with just me and my dog and the world ahead of us..... Sorry just had to do it!

The Jeep ran great and got decent gas mileage. I got home safe and sound and spent the rest of the day polishing up the inside so it would be all purdy for me.  

The rest of the week was business as usual, except I missed BF so much it was crazy!

We drove seperately to work, then I left to go to school and by the time I got home he was in bed! I felt like I hadn't even seen or talked to him in days! He tries to wait up for me now so that I can say hi and tell him about my day. Starting this month we will have seperate days off and I'm gonna miss the shit outta that boy!  I know it will be 'good for us' but I don't see how what we were doing before was 'bad' for us?!  Our love will just get stronger I suppose.

This past weekend I went and spent some very much needed time with my Grandma and my Grandpa Randy. I love visiting them one on one. I think the relationships with your parents and grandparents just get better with every passing year.

I remember when visiting my grandma meant trips to IGA and velvet fill-in-the-lines posters and trips to the Bellis Sqaure Mall for gravy-covered french fries. I remember when it meant days worth of Costco croissants and Squirt sodas. Trips to grandma's meant  laying in front of the tv watching Pretty Woman and Dirty Dancing and trying to act out the 'lifts' from DD.  It meant eating cashews and beef jerky until you think you might die and trips to Costco for large quantities of food that you never think you can eat. It meant time with my girl cousins and matching outfits. Visiting grandma was always a weekend long trip and always included Laura and KJ or at least one of them.

Now that some time has passed by it is a totally different story. I'm pretty sure I dropped a f-bomb or two and I know for a fact I said shit more than 3 times. Our language isn't the only thing to change though. The topics become more interesting and you get to see actual glimpses into the minds of the people that helped shape who you are today.

When you are young, politics and religion tend to be sheilded from you. At least the truth of them do. Sure you know who the president is and if your parents like them or not. You know the white house dog or cat and you know the story of Jonah and the big whale/fish thing. You know the basics and the safe stories. But when you get older you get to know the truth behind those. You get to use your mind and determine for your self what you think and believe.

Ever since I turned about 18 or so I look forward to one on one visits with my grandma. I don't have to hide anything from her anymore and she doesn't need to shelter me anymore. We can argue about our points of view on subjects of all kinds and we can learn new things from each other. It was such a wonderful visit and I really wish I didn't have to leave to cook dinner for the boys back at home!

But I have boys to take care of and so I headed home and cooked a delicious salmon dinner with garlic-dill mashed potatoes and it was yummy! Monday night we had the most fabulous pork carnitas ever! BF gave me my first ever '10' rating and roomie gave me  a '12'. It is now our Monday night dinner from now until forever!

Oh My!

Well I am now in my second half of second quarter and it's taking it's toll on me!
I have ZERO energy!
I have LOTS of extra Tummy wiggle!!
I have MORE debt adding up with each quarter!

I just keep hoping that this will all be worth it in the long run.

I realized last week that I can't do it all. It's a tough thing to realize about yourself.
I had a really hard time coming to terms with it and it broke me down.

I came home from a day of work and school, knowing that I had online homework to do as well and it was already 11pm.  I looked at my house and it was in complete despair. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and just headed to bed.

I woke up to my house the exact same as I left it.

I had a weeks worth of dishes piled up, my luggage from my trip to Cali still open and full on my bedroom floor, my couch covered in all my school crap, uniforms, towels, papers everywhere! I had bills that haven't been opened in weeks all over the kitchen counter mixed in with ads and spam.  Dust covered every inch of every surface. Laundry was at least 3 weeks behind. Bills were going on 2 months behind. The yard was looking like a crazy safari with doggie trenches and landmines everywhere.

It was a perfect picture of that show about when humans finally leave this world.  You know the one where they break it down from day 1 all the way to the earth reclaiming her magical land? 

It was bad. And I couldn't handle it. 

So, I picked up the kitchen and made a big breakfast for me and the bf! We had homemade pancakes with boysenberry syrup, hashbrowns and delish BACON!!

After I stuffed my face I went back in to the kitchen and it just looked worse for wear. I was defeat yet again.

SO, I went to church! I came home and it was still there!

So, I took BF up to Arlington to pick up his truck and then I headed to Target for some much needed supplies!  I came home with a seed starter greenhouse kit, lots of seeds for herbs and veggies, some doggy bones, and about 3 boxes of swiffer dusters.

I got home and..... IT WAS STILL THE SAME WAY!! except I also had the BF's parents waiting for me.

SO not the day for me to have patience or people over. I was mean and rude and short and a bitch the whole day. I ignored them and just continued to clean my house like they were not even there. I got the whole downstairs done, the laundry done, the seeds planted and the kitchen clean.

I then advised the BF that I can't do it alone anymore. I can't go to school, go to work, be a homemaker and still nurture our relationship the way it deserves it. Cleaning that house, making the meals, doing the grocery shopping and paying the bills and keeping up on 4 classes while working was too much for me. I had reached my limit.

Thank God I have a very understanding BF. 

That was last week.  This is this week.

My couch is covered in school crap. My coffee table is under a pile somewhere, I just know it!  That luggage is still open and on the floor. My yard is open for jungle tours Sunday from 1pm- 8pm. The kitchen sink is full, the counter is sticky, and make sure you keep your shoes on because my floors are feeling a bit revengeful since they have been neglected for so long.

BUT!!! My bills are caught up, my homework is caught up, my seeds are sprouting and I get the weekend ALL BY MYSELF!!!! That's right! I get Saturday and Sunday to myself! No BF, no roomies, just me the dog and that box of Swiffer dusters!

Oh, and the weed killer spray, the lawnmower, the washing machine, the vacuum, the mop, the dryer, the scrubbing bubbles for bathroom scum, the leftover half a papa Murphy's pizza and cheesy bread wheel, the doggy nail clippers, the puppy shampoo, and boxes and boxes of clothes and junk to go to goodwill.  I may also throw in a can of paint if there is time!

HELLO spring cleaning!

School

I took my finals this week.

Got a 99.74% all in all in my Concepts class.... LAME!

Stupid .27% was because I missed 2 questions on the final. Oh well! Such is life!

I still passed both classes with A's and that is pretty damn shocking.  I know next quarter will be a shock and I hear it's not quite as laid back as first quarter. I'm sure I will keep you all updated on that progress as it happens.

After finals a few of us went out for some beverages and had some good laughs. I'm so happy that I will still have classes with all these people!

They are like family. Some days you can't stand them and they rub every nerve wrong but normally it's just your own damn fault for not having caffiene or enough sugar that day.  We all learned each others moods and how to work around them.

Looking forward to next quarter when we have 3 hours to produce a 6 course meal every day.

Hopefully we can come out of that class still respecting and liking each other!

I need to

I know I need to do another "Update" post but until then I want to share with you something I read today. I found it on a blog that I check every month or so. The woman is an amazing writer and this hit me to the core.... I noticed the shiver running up my spine and the chills scrambling down my arms.

http://msjwrites.blogspot.com/2010/02/until.html

In so many ways this hits me.

I am proud to say that my outcome is much different than this writer. I have learned to forgive and move on. To not harden my heart anymore for things that were in the past. It can become toxic.

I have embraced my past and forced myself to stare it in the eye and tell it I won't let it have another second of my time, another chunk of my heart, or another drop of my tears.

I now have a solid relationship with the one who gave me my hands. My hands are a constant reminder of her and I like it that way.

Cupid's Arrow, Birthday wishes, Sick boys...

So I had my midterms for both my kitchen class and my lecture. I passed both. This culinary school isn't too hard right now. I don't know if that is just because it's only the first quarter or if maybe it's easy because it's something I enjoy so much? Either way I am happy about doing it. It gives me a sense of purpose and achievement. I look forward to where it will take me in my lifetime.  I just wish for $20k it would be a bit more in-your-face intense.

I had my birthday this week. It was on Thursday.

I woke up not feeling very birthday-ey and then BF got very very sick. Violently sick.  He stayed home from work but I still had to go.

There went any plans of a nice birthday lunch or surprise at work.

I spent an hour in traffic to work because I couldn't carpool.

I almost cried 3 times at work because it was 'just one of those days'.

I then sat in stopped traffic on the 520 bridge for an hour to get to school.

I appreciate school so much. I got there, changed into my chef's uniform and was transformed. I forgot all my shit that was in my head and just got to work. The kitchen just let's you leave everything at the door when you walk in. I was a bit short tempered with my team but they are so great and just understood.

We got out very early and so a few of us went and grabbed a beer at Buckley's in Seattle and just chatted. It was so nice to have a chance to actually get to know the people I spend so much time with 3 days a week.

I got home and BF was still very sick and so I climbed in bed and went to sleep. Not much of a 24th birthday but that's ok. Next Saturday is my party and I have every intention of making up for it!

BF is still sick. Going on day 3 now. He refuses to go to the doctor and I just keep praying he'll get better soon and be back to his old self.  Because of this, I'm pretty certain this Valentine's day will be very low-key and a stay-at-home kinda day.  I did offer to cook a nice dinner for him and he mentioned he was thinking about taking me out to eat, like lunch or something. We'll see if he's feeling up to it.

My outlook is much better today than it has been lately. I decided to just stop dwelling on little details that may mean nothing to anyone and are just bringing me down.

I decided not to let myself drown in that pool of over-analyzing, jealousy and doubt. It just sucks you deeper down with every rotation of that hamster wheel.

I self-medicated last night with some great retail therapy and have never felt prettier. I will continue that self medication tonight with baking and packaging sweet little valentine's day cookies for church tomorrow! I even stole some cute vintage valentines off of Bakerella's site http://www.bakerella.com/  to attach to the cookies. I can't wait to get home and start on it!

I hope you all have a great weekend, whether it's treating yourself to much needed self love or spending it with your hunny bunny.  Love to you all and peace out motha trucker!

Mid-terms, mid-winter, mid-month, mid-dreary....

Tonight I have midterms. It will be my first test that I have to pass on my culinary journey.

It is also the first test I have taken in 5 years.

It has to do with memorizing ingredients and methodology.

No biggie. I was in drama once.

I can do this thing.

It really is almost the exact same. You read the recipe, read the method. Then you write the ingredients down with out looking. Then check to make sure you got them all. If you do then you continue to write the methodology or procedure down. Now check that.

Bam! All done!

You would be amazed at how quickly you can memorize something when you do it that way!

See, we have to have mayo/hollandaise and  bechamel/veloute down perfectly. We will draw out of a hat to see which ones we will make. We have to make one of each. Then we have our group practical. We have to make beef consomme and some sort of to-be-determined cream or puree vegetable soup. With no recipe.

It's a lot to take in. And we need to make sure we watch our waste when doing our vegetable cuts and make sure the final product is perfectly everything.  Perfectly seasoned, perfectly pourable, perfectly plate-able.

All this and it's February. The groundhog saw his shadow.

We have 6 more weeks of winter.

Only one problem though. WE HAVEN'T HAD A WINTER!!!

January's 2010 weather for Seattle brought unseasonably warm temperatures, mostly cloudy skies, and a lot of rain after a very cool, partly cloudy, and relative dry December. There were twenty-seven days in January with cloudy sky conditions and four days with partly cloudy sky conditions. This was the warmest January on record for Seattle with an average temperature of 47.0 degrees --- the previous warmest January was in 2006 with an average temperature of 46.6 degrees. The normal average temperature for Seattle in January is 40.9 degrees.

So we had rain. Nothing big. Nothing to warrant flood concerns or anything like that. But we didn't get snow. We didn't get freezing temps after early December. We haven't had a really bad winter storm at all.

We have even had nice sunny days in the past month.  All this is throwing all of us out of alignment.

Everyone is tired. Everyone is fighting a sickness. Everyone is getting irratable.

We need the sun to come out and stay a while before we all start raiding the closest pharamacy for some Prozac!

I have been beyond tired lately. I'm sure I'm still getting used to the new schedule my life has taken.

 I've been getting sick too. If I don't eat constantly I get nausea. It's horrible and I hate it! I know it's because I'm not drinking enough water but it does make me nervous that maybe I have a slight blood sugar issue. I'm self medicating with chocolate, salty snacks and lots of water. I'll keep you all posted.

Other than all that fun stuff.... Life has been good to me.
I'm looking forward to spring and all the beautiful things that brings to the Pacific Northwest.

The tulip festival, the outdoor concerts, the Harley rides, the camping, the dirt bike riding, the dog beach days, the sun still shining past 5pm.

Good things are coming and I'm so ready to take advantage of it all this year! 


Oh and by the way, it's my birthday in 6 days and 8 hours. :)

Poor Tongue!

Tonight will mark my third week and 6th night in culinary school.

Tonight will be the 3rd Thursday I walk up the street and smell the Puget Sound with excitement in my tummy and my recipes on my mind.

Tonight will also mark the 6th day that I have put my tongue thru hell.

Pure hell.

The kind of hell where there are crazy demon men poking at puddles of fire .

One of the girls in my group constantly cuts herself. She cut her finger on day one, she cut her finger on day 3, i think she cut her finger on day4, she cut her finger practicing at home, she cut her finger on day 5.

It's now a on going joke and has gotten a bit ridiculous.

I haven't cut my finger. Nope. Not yet at least.

I'll tell ya what I HAVE done though!

Day 1: burnt the tip of my tongue on stock

Day2: Burnt the tip of my tongue on stock

Day 3: Burnt the tip of my tongue on Espagnole and Veloute

Day 4: Burnt the tip of my tongue on Tomato sauce.

Day 5: the tip is no longer burnable, I think it has been subjected to too much in the past 2 weeks and is now rebelling against me. So, I burnt the MIDDLE of my tongue on minestrone, white beans, french onion, and Black bean puree.

I feel so accomplished!

My tongue now has the EXACT same texture as a cat.

It now has the EXACT same look as a cat tongue.

I have yet to start cleaning myself with it, but I have a feeling after week 8 it might just make the best exfoliator in town!

It hurts, it hurts real bad-like.

I don't think I can taste anything anymore. I don't think I can EAT anything anymore!

Tonight I'm making consomme and chicken waterzooi.

Tonight I may just burn my tongue again. Why ruin a tradition?

I suppose these are the times I should be thankful that the BF isn't big into making out.

I suppose now is the time to stay away from citrus.

I suppose I should finally learn how to blow properly.

Um, yeah... Disregard that last comment.

I suppose now is the time I should learn how to let things cool a tad before tasting.

Other than my tongue pretending to be a cat tongue and full of hell fire, I love school.

I decided it last night and so I think you all should know.

I love it! I adore it! I am meant to do this right now in my life.

So here is my love to your smooth, cool tongues and may you forever appreciate the pale pink tenderness that is your sweet innocent tasting tongue!

Hectic Hectic!

So, I always said that I don't want to work in a kitchen.

I don't want to be a cook or a chef. I don't want to waste my nights sweating and producing food for countless people if I can't be there to do it for the ones I love.

So why in the heck am I spending $20,000.00 to do just that for the next year of my life?

This is week 3 of my culinary journey at the Art Institute. So far I have made beef, chicken, fish and vegetable stock. I have made bechamel, veloute, espagnole, tomato, hollandaise, mayo, buerre blanc, and demi glace.

This here is my lovely hollandaise with fresh tarragon.... I proceeded to eat ALL of this by myself with a ton of roasted veggies and french fries....at 10:40pm

My hands have a constant smell of grease, onion, carrot, and celery to them for about 6 days out of the week. My dreams normally consist of one or more of the former recipes being made.

In the three weeks I have been to school, I have cooked approximately 4 dinners, two breakfasts, packed 2 lunches and baked once at home.

I have desire to do it normaly on Sundays or Mondays. But those are the only two days I want to step foot into the kitchen. Although, my kitchen has been staying pretty clean this way!

When I do prepare a quick snack, normally some stoner-version of food I randomly pull out and mix together, I rarely want to clean it up. I want to put it on the counter and go hide in my room. I want to pretend that 1) I never ate whatever crap I just digested and 2) I don't want to wash another dish in my life!

 I find myself eating SO much more food!

When all you do is think about, dream about and read about food all you want to do is consume food! I can eat a HUGE dinner and a few cookies for dessert then go upstairs to do homework for 20 minutes only to creep back downstairs to steal more food and bring it back up with me so BF doesn't notice!

This has now become an issue!

So, to battle this beast that has been growing inside me, I have decided to invest in a treadmill. I figure if I run while studying it will be harder to sneak food into my mouth. Good plan? I also have been spending 10-15 minutes every morning stretching. That is mainly so I can keep my body from wanting to wilt away after 13 hour days 3 days a week. I'm also trying to just drink water whenever the hunger hits. It has been hard! Chewing ice seems to work though!

 I tried drinking as much coffee as possible to keep the hunger at bay, let me tell ya that was a horrible idea!!!

So today will be day 1 of week 3. I am off to school.

Let's hope I can still fit thru doors at the end of this year.

Oh what a year can do...

This morning I woke up thinking about where I have come in the past year. It's a thought that stumbled into my head just as randomly as anything else. There was nothing to provoke it and nothing to remind me of it. It just decided to weasel it's way in until I finally sat down and paid it some attention. This time last year was exactly a month before I got fired from a very nice job I had as a client service representative. This time last year was when my drinking and partying got to an absolutely ridiculous new low...high? Well, when it got to be way too much. This time last year around November was when I let a boy that had already taken advantage of my mind, heart and body once before, back into my life without considering the outcome of that decision. This time last year is when I had no self respect, no self worth, no self confidence left in me to fight the fight I needed to fight. About this time last year is when I met an inspirational young man into my life to help me start putting the pieces together. Since that time I have accomplished so much that I am so proud of. Since this time last year I have changed my number and my address in order to get the people out of my life that didn't deserve to be in it. Since this time last year I have moved out of that apartment and into a house with a new puppy and a new man. Since this time last year I have almost gotten a good grip on my finances, not including this month! Since this time last year I have a new job that I love working as a barista at a Harley shop in Bellevue. Since this time last year I am now able to take on any challenge that comes my way with more confidence than ever before. I know what I am worth now and I am worth so much more than I ever gave myself credit for in the past. Since this time last year I have been with BF for almost a year now and faithfully so. Since this time last year I have found my faith in God again and can now see him in everything around me. Since this time last year I have enrolled in college at the Art Institute of Seattle for my diploma in The Art of Cooking. Since this time last year I have found incredible peace in my life. Everything is not perfect and I have many struggles to deal with almost daily. Right now I'm working full time, going to school 3 days a week after work until 11pm and looking for a second part-time job because I can't afford my rent and tuition. That is a huge stress but I am not to be deterred. I will be able to make it work if I keep at it hard and long enough. BF and I have issues like any other couple. We argue about what to eat most the time, but now that we have been together and living together for about a year, other things are starting to make their way to the surface slowly but surely.With that we are making sure we are prepared for those conversations by understanding how we communicate together. I realize that because we have had such a blessed and easy going relationship, it may bite us in the butt since we are ill-prepared for how to communicate together about serious issues. There are things I need to focus on more in order to keep my life in balance. I am trying to make sure I spend at least 10 mins in the morning stretching my body. I try to make a point of making it to church almost every Sunday. I haven't been in 4 weeks and I can feel the emptiness taking place in my heart. I can't wait for Friday night so I can catch up with the podcast from my pastor. I am trying to pay more attention to my finances and keep myself on budget. I am also trying to make sure I go to bed in a clean and organized room every night so I wake up with thing in their proper place. All in all, this past year has been very sweet to me and I don't take one bit of it for granted. I appreciate the hard years prior because they gave my the wisdom I needed to realize how great life can be. With out those experiences I don't know if I would be making the decision that are so right for me right now. So, in closing, a year can be rough on you and make you want to give up. A year can tear you down and make it seem like you're spiraling down a big well and will surely hit the bottom with no escape. Just always remember, a year can be sweet to you as well. A year can give you many foot holes to use and climb your way up and out. It just all depends on the path you decide to take. Be defeated, defiant, and stuck at the bottom of that well. Or make your own way out with determination, faith and hard work.