Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
not a blog but a huge inspiration:
I have so many more but these were a few to get you thru!
love to you all!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
- BF and I are sleeping in our bed when I wake up to a strange, quite noise. I sit still and listen to see if I can hear anything. Nothing. I try to fall back asleep only to hear it again. So I lay there completely still and trying not to breathe.
- I hear it again and this time I can hear two guys talking, barely above a whisper. I hear them get into the house very sneakily. I tried to wake BF up but he isn't cooperating so I just lay there stone still debating what to do.
- I slide out of bed and grab the two guns I hid earlier in the night.
- I knew if I didn't grab them right then we might not have a chance later and BF didn't know where I moved them.
- I debate if I have time to get clothes on. I decide I don't.
- I crawl back into bed and continue trying to wake up BF. For whatever reason the guys downstairs are taking their sweet time and I can hear they aren't actually taking anything... it's more like they are searching for something. BF finally wakes up and I hand him the guns and tell him what's going on.
- He tells me to stay in the bed and try to hide under the covers. So I do. I mound the comforter over me and try not to move a muscle.
- I hear him go downstairs and confront the two guys and then there is a huge commotion.
- Suddenly a third guy ran behind BF and hit him over the head.
- I can hear them coming for me. I slide off the bed and hide on the floor until I feel the blankets being ripped off me. It's a huge blur as the men are beating me and pulling me in every direction. I can feel my teeth being knocked out. I can smell the rusty smell of my own bloody being forced out of my body. I can taste the acrid taste.
- I end up laying next to BF as the men are tying us up. They leave us there bloody and tied while they go to search for whatever they were looking for.
- I can hear them tearing into the floor and bashing into the walls. I have no idea what they want.
- I get myself untied and start working on BF. He is almost unconscience. One of the guys comes back into the room and sees me. He starts yelling at me and pulls me down and beats me more. I'm just praying they don't rape me or kill us.
- I get a chance to fight him off of me and get a good kick to the gut and get to BF again.
- The man stands up and shoots.
- I'm sitting there crouched over in my own blood in just my panties trying to figure out if I was shot.
- I wasn't.
- BF was. The asshole shot him.
- I just lay there shaking, not knowing what else to do as the third guy goes back to check on the other guys. They find whatever they wanted in the wall and half way in the floor. They destroy my house, our house.
- Before they leave they beat me even more and leave me there to die next to BF.
- I accept that fate and curl up next to him. I grasp his hand and lay there, too stunned to pray, too stunned to think.
- Next thing I know I'm walking the streets of an urban city, somewhat like London and Seattle combined. I have glasses on and a scarf to cover myself and try to hide into the background of a busy world.
- I go shopping because I ddn't know what else there was to do. I go into the most quaint book shops and coffee houses until I finally meet up with a friend who takes me home.
- I walk into my house and it's perfect. There are no signs of a battle. No signs of a death taken without warrant. No signs of destroyed walls or bloody carpets.
- It's the cleanest I have ever witnessed it.
- I notice someone changed all the locks and placed wooden dowels in the windows to give me some feeling of security. I tell my friend to go home and just let me be and she does.
- It gets dark and I go to check one of the windows with the dowels in it only to notice it's been shoved open with the dowel stuck in between the two panes of glass and the screen missing. The opening is wide enough for a full grown man to climb thru. And then my mind goes to pitch black.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
- We don't talk much at work.
- We don't talk on the way to work.
- We eat our lunch together and will have a smoke break once or twice during the day.
- We laugh and chit chat on the way home
- I cook dinner while he relaxes or vice-a-versa
- I normally go upstairs about an hour earlier than him to watch girly shows
- Oh yeah... and I am completely in love with him.
I realized I had found a new level to how much I love him yesterday.
We carpooled to work yesterday but, unfortunately for me, he had a meeting after work and so we ended up having to stay for an extra hour and a half.
Normally I would be pissed! The last thing I want to do on my 'Monday' is to have to stay at work until almost 8pm without getting paid! I happened to have my book with me so it wasn't too horrible.
I was sitting on a barstool back in the Parts area while all the parts guys were in their meeting over in the 'lounge' area. I could hear some of what they were talking about but really only their voices and not what they were actually saying.
So, here I am trying to read but I can't seem to focus! I can hear whenever my BF laughs or makes a comment on something and it was completely distracting!
I can't hear anything that is actually being discussed but I can hear him. I can hear his different inflictions and tones. I can mentally see his smile or his scowl.
This is how we do it. Because I adore the kid and can't seem to be pissed at him for very long.
I freakin' love this guy! I just had to get that off my chest. I feel better now.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Current mood: confident
So... update on my life I suppose. I just read thru all my old posts and decided some is still true to this day but I have found ways to cope thru it all so much better that I don't even notice any of it anymore. It becomes a way of life. I have found an amazing core group of friends that i feel will be a part of my life for a long time to come. I'm so unbelievably grateful that I was lucky enough to find them. I met this amazing guy named Gavin at the Diamond Knot and he and I began to hang out. He's Christian and we began to talk about our views on the church and spirituality. Unfortunately I was burned bad by an old church and I gave up on organized religion. I went to this thing called Arm Chair with him after about a month of hangin out. He had been inviting me to this and church for sometime and I figured I would give it Arm Chair a go not knowing what to expect but assuming it would be "safer" than church. All I knew was that it was a group of people that meet up at a diner to discuss how to have your spiritual life relate to your "regular" life. A way to have the scripture broken down into a relative way. When I left Arm Chair that first night I still didn't know what to expect. As it worked out that happened to be an off night. More just a gathering of people hanging out with no exact topic. I decided to be consistent and to continue going to this Arm Chair thing so I can get a better idea of it. I went again the next week and was blown away by how intelligent and open these people were. I decided to go ahead and give church a shot. So the Sunday I decide to start going I was running late and almost was going to say nevermind who cares right? Well I got my butt going and raced to where this church is. I get there after it had started and felt a little silly for being there. I sit there listening to Pastor Matt and couldn't believe how unlike this place was to any church I have ever been to. I think to myself, wow! I've been missing out on this for 6 years? How could I have been robbing myself of this and why was I so scared to do this again? After church I decide that I found something truly unique and special and that I will not let myself be robbed of this anymore. I then decide to try this House of Paine Gavin has been telling me about. Once again... I fall in love. This Tuesday ritual that I have been invited to is one of the most amazing things I have ever been a part of. I sat there that first night and just looked around with amazement. I felt right at home, like I was at a family Christmas party but with out all that family "drama". I sat there silently drinking my 6th or 7th coffee, smoking a cigarette, listening to music on the back porch and was debating if I was about to tear up due to the insane amount of black coffee coursing thru my veins or because of where I was sitting and who I was surrounded by. I decided it was the latter. I now make it a point to be at H.O.P. every Tuesday, Arm Chair every Wednesday and church every Sunday. I started bringing my girlfriend Christina with me and she is blown away by all of this love too. We have found a group of young minds that are more giving, more intelligent, more open about God than we ever thought was possible. Some how God has brought us all together from so many different walks of life to help guide each other. The begining of a new type of community has been started. And because I decided to to step out of my comfort zone, I have found this community which has helped Christina and myself so much already and it's only been a month or so. These meetings have brought me a new sense of peace. Before HOP or Arm Chair or even church, I knew what drink specials were at what bars everyday of the week. You wanted to know where to go to get drunk the cheapest, I was your girl. I made a point to go out every night and never sit at home. I made a point to drown away any loneliness or sadness I felt. The only problem with that is I watched my life slip from my grasp. I lost my job. I lost my boyfriend. I lost my money. I lost my self respect. I would go have so much fun and then I would get home around 3 am and wonder why I was so sad. How, after a night of laughing with friends, could I be so lonely? So miserable? Because there was no substance to me. I was a shell of a person. I ran on empty and went thru motions of familiarity. I didn't care about anything except what would keep me busiest the longest. Anything to keep the distraction going so I didn't need to face reality. Now I face those demons and realize they aren't very powerful. I'm better than that. I'm just as amazing and fun when sober. I am not alone. I do not need to feed my need for attention in negative ways. I can be me and do anything. I can go sit alone at a cafe and read. I can find my own way with out a man. So now my week is very busy. I go to HOP on Tuesday, Arm Chair on Wednesday, Bowling on Thursday, Friday, Saturday are wide open and Sunday I have church. I love my life like this. I love where I am and know I still have much more work to do to build myself into what I strive but I'm on my way. I just moved in with Christina. We both know this will be a true test on our friendship but are willing to try. We lean on each other when it gets hard and we push each other to get out there and be ourselves. It's going to be tough at times, we are going to get upset and feel smothered, we are going to feel ignored at some point, we are going to argue over who's turn it is to do the dishes but it's life. I would prefer to go through my life with her by my side then to not. My life has taken an amazing turn of events and I can't wait to see what else is in store for me. I'm currently t aking a break from relationships because I happen to jump in head first and would like time to get to know someone first. I'm right now very happy with that part as well. I have found a few great friends because of this and I look forward to seeing where those go as well. One in particular has made me so unbelievably happy so far and am so excited to have him in my life. Well that's it. My life laid out for you. I know it's a lot to take in. Thank you for reading. Love to you all!
Friday, September 18, 2009
We loaded up and were taking off before the door was even down.
It was an amazing flight with spectacular views and everyone is joking and laughing to keep their minds off jumping. Next thing I know the door was rolled up and we were sitting on the edge at about 14,500ft and going about 100mph. I was literally dangling out the plane while my partner was sitting inside. we rocked three times and then were out! I can not describe the feeling. It was spectacular. We were spinning and flipping and dancing in the sky. Just flying without a care in the world at about 130 mph. I loved every second about it. When the chute opened, I got to steer and do circles and loops and dives and stops and have a ball.Snohomish is gorgeous from way up there... just gorgeous. We came in for our landing fast and hot and smiling. Cory was right behind me so I got to turn around and see him land too. We jumped up and gave each other a huge kiss and a big I LOVE YOU!! Fantastic! Afterwards we had lunch with Cory's parents and talked about the urge to get right back up and maybe even become certified... Oh I want it so bad! Then headed home to change and go to the Seahawk game where we won, of course! The view of the skyline was just gorgeous and a perfect end to a perfect day. All in all, it turned out to be a very exciting day. All our energy was zapped from us and we slept wonderfully while dreaming about dangling out of perfectly good airplanes.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
The first time I ever lied, I was around 3, I had wet my pants and my mom asked me if I peed in my pants. I looked her straight in the face and said "NO! Brandon did!" From that point on I used Brandon as my scapegoat for almost everything. It doesn't work so well anymore.
I remember Brandon used to let me hang out at parties he would throw at the house as long as I would clean it all up the next day so mom would never know. I always thought he was being so cool to let me party with the older kids but in reality he just didn't want me to blow his cover to mom.
Before he had his license he would steal our old Cadillac to take it to the driving range or to Taco Bell. He would let me go with as long as I promised not to tell on him. I loved it. I felt like a rebel. Once he started dating Stephanie, his now wife, I was allowed to hang out a lot more. Steph and her friends were always good sports and would let me tag a long to almost everything they would do. His friends were like older brothers and sisters to me. They always looked out for me and still do. If I showed up at a party, they would always make sure nothing bad would happen to me and include me in on everything. I rarely was treated like the baby sister.
As we got older we started doing our own things. Brandon moved out and got an apartment with Stephanie. I moved in with my boyfriend, Adam. We still hung out every once in a while but not nearly as often. He turned 21 and started going to bars and I was still a little high school kid. I broke up with Adam at the end of my Junior year and needed somewhere to live. Brandon and Stephanie where living in a 3 bedroom duplex with Brandon's best friend, Seth. Being the great bro he is, he cleaned out half of the 3rd bedroom and put up a shower curtain to divide the rooms and let me live with them.
My room was half the boys office/game room and half 17 year old high school girl. I was living with them right when they started planning their wedding and it was a blast. I loved living with my brother. After I graduated I moved out and down to Cali for a few months and then back home. This time I lived with Austin but I still stayed at Bran's most of the time. He had a baby girl, Mikayla, and I would help watch her when I could.
Brandon has always been there when I've really needed it. When I got in some serious trouble on a school trip my freshman year he was the one I called. When I got in my first car accident and needed a guardian to release me from care, he is who I called. When I lost my "v-card", he was the one I told. When I found out I might not graduate, Bran and Steph were the ones that lit a fire under my ass. When I snuck out the first time and didn't come home till 5am, he was the one out checking the ditches and looking for me.
My brother Brandon is one of the best guys I know. He is the only guy I know will make me laugh every 3 minutes or so. He is right up there next to my pops when it comes to people I want to be proud of me. He may not be as sensitive as Austin and he may make fun of me until I cry every time I see him, but he is still the rock in my life. Thank you for being my brother Brandon. Thank you for always being you and always being there for me. You are an awesome brother, a great son, and an amazing father! I love you!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Now I used to work in a different dealership. I worked at Lynnwood Cycle Barn's now defunct metric location. I worked there for 2 years. I was NOT the receptionist or barista except for when the position needed to be covered. I have been an enthusiast for this industry for years. I worked in Motorclothes. Which still had its stigmas. Such as: You were just there for eye candy. You were the Motorhoes. You couldn't possibly know that the helmet is too small or too big or that certain chemicals will eat away at the strip on the bottom of Arai helmets. You can't possibly understand what gear is the most protective and comfortable to ride in. I had many guys tell me that they would prefer a guy to tell them everything I just told them. You couldn't really know how each helmet is made and the process that goes into it. There was no way in hell you knew how the cow hide was treated to get the right thickness and softness. So on and so on. You couldn't possibly be able to see a guy on a bike ride past and tell you the specs on everything he was wearing."
But you got more respect from the men then the "dumbo bimbos" that work in the cafe and front counter. It's just how it worked. While at Cycle Barn I stepped away from Motorclothes because of all the girl drama. It was starting to be a huge cat fight everyday and I needed to work with the boys.
So I started working in shipping & receiving. I touched every part that came into that store. I knew the computer program better than half the people on the floor. I was throwin' tires and slingin' lube day in and day out. I was forklift certified. I knew every part that went into a Honda 50cc motor and knew what a petcock was. I loved my job. I got more respect for my job. I was GOOD at my job.
I'm also an amazing barista. The Cafe de Barn was going down hill fast. My boss in shipping was the boss of the cafe. I soon took that over. I did the orders and trained the girls. I advised him on who to fire and who to keep. I was the manager of the cafe and I did that while working in the back. I loved it. So I got to do the two things I love. Make coffee and stay in the back AND be in the industry I love! What more can a girl ask for?
A lot more it turns out. I worked there for 2 years and received one $1 raise. It was bullshit. I worked harder than the majority of people there. My product was out to the floor before you could even take a 2nd break. I covered every department that needed me while still completing my own job tasks. My boss could go on 3 week vacations and know that everything would be getting done. I turned a cafe with a $6k deficit into at least coming out even. I was a huge asset to that company.
But no matter how much my boss fought for me to get a raise, they refused. So I made the decision to quit. That decision was one of the hardest.
I started working in a cubicle as a customer service rep at a collection agency and I hated it. Yes I was getting paid $3 more an hour, but I hated my job. Try telling someone that you work for a collection agency and see the response you get. People hate collectors like they hate lawyers. You never want to hear from either of them. I had to tell people that asked where I worked not to worry, that I wasn't an actual collector. I had to wear dress shoes and business attire. I had to file for hours on end. I was on the phone with retarded clients that didn't know what was going on. I had to baby the collectors because they didn't know how to do their job. I hated it.
I eventually got fired from that job.
A month later I called a few of my reps from when I worked at Cycle Barn. I was still in contact with them and saw them at every bike event. I asked them to keep their eyes open because I wanted back into the bike game. I needed to be back.
I got an interview at Eastside Harley and it was all over from there. They were going to put me in motorclothes but needed someone to start the espresso bar back up. So they stuck me in there against their will. They tried to tell me I was too qualified to work there. They thought the same about motorclothes. I had to tell them I wouldn't be interviewing unless I wanted to be there. I have managed to turn profit in the cafe and have made it successful.
I'm just the barista but that's OK.
The boss men know I'm more than that and they got plans for me. Don't judge me and think I can't do anything more than make coffee. I can do it all. And I will. In the next few months I'll be scaling down the cafe and start doing inventory control. I will be in charge of redoing the entire way motorclothes keeps their products. I will re-organize storage and show them a better way to track progress. After that, who knows where I will be. They may put me back into the cafe. They may keep me in motorclothes. Heck, I might be the receptionist but as I'm sitting at these positions, listening to everyone's spiel on how I should want more out of my life, I'll be the one smiling. I know I'm where I'm happy and I know I have big plans in my future.
This dealership has come into my life when I needed it most. The people here are outstanding and I met a guy. The guy. I met Cory. My life has gone from a crazy, hectic, alcholic spiral into a stable, healthy, happy line. But we'll save that for another post.
Just remember, that girl that works at your coffee stand, she probably has a whole lot more going on than you think. Maybe she's in college, a lot of them are. But maybe she owns that stand and four more down the road. Maybe she works there to supplement her own t-shirt line. Maybe she just loves making coffee and does it well enough to support her life. Same with those receptionists. Drop those stigmas and remember we don't know what these girls do when they get home. We don't know if they are stoked on that job and are right where they want to be in life. Suppose it comes down to don't judge a chick by her profession. I still feel silly telling people I work in the cafe. I still feel like I need to justify it. Like I need to prove I came for the bikes, not the coffee. But I'm getting better at being proud of where I am. It's the best damn place I've been in my entire life.