Home pause

We are on a slight detour of life at this time.

Our house is kinda in a waiting period and I feel like our lives are as well.

Cor just got a new job that shows nothing but promises of a great future. But how do you wait for the future when you are as inpatient as me?

I am feeling like second fiddle to Cory's life and I am making choices to try to change that.  It's a very difficult journey to find yourself after 4 years of focusing on who you are standing next to your man to trying to focus on who you are as an individual.

I have always thought of myself as a strong independent woman, which I am, but I also am very much a dependent woman.  Not in a financial or emotional sense but in the fact that I always try to leave myself available to my boyfriend. I try not to make plans to do things that would interfere with when he is not at work. I try to get all "my" stuff done during early mornings before work or while he is at band practice.

I used to admire and want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I wanted to do everything in my power to create an environment that is purely for my man. I wanted to be able to give him the support, encouragement and confidence to do whatever he wanted or needed to do. I wanted him to know things will always be taken care of at home so he can focus on what he needs to do. I took a wonderful thing and turned it much too literal. In providing that environment for him I lost myself completely. I forgot one of the biggest parts of being a proverbs woman. Staying strong with yourself.

I began to resent him for not doing "his" part at home. But to speak truthfully and honestly I never really gave him a part to play. Now that we have this house I expect him to start, work on or complete a project daily. Now I need him to play his part but he is still learning it. I say that I do everything with the house and I feel that it is a true statement. But then I realize that may be a gross exaggeration. He may not do as much but really I don't give him the opportunity because I want it done faster than he thinks it needs to be done.

I handle our finances and I bitch about being the one to "do" everything but I picked that role. I choose to take it on because I actually ENJOY making a budget, paying bills on time and following plans. I don't think I would be able to sit back and have him take over that role so why do I bitch about it?

I handle the majority of cleaning, dusting, sweeping, laundry, dishes, weed-pulling, and grocery shopping. Once again, I put myself in that role because I get frustrated when Cor does it because it isn't to my standards or how I do it. I could absolutely let him do the laundry or dishes but because I'm such a control freak and I always get cranky if he does tiny loads of laundry or runs the dishwasher with only half the amount of dishes that need to be washed, I choose to just do it myself.

These are things that I don't need to waste energy complaining or being upset about. I made this pigeon hole and as much as I feel I nag him to do things I could probably just let it go.I can ask myself  "Does it need to be done immediately?"  If it does then I can just do it myself. Really I am faster at most cleaning so in the amount of time it takes for me to nag I can probably have it done.

So with the house I have started to make a 'Cory list' and a 'Tiara list'. I can write down a project or task that I need him to do and he can look at it and get it done. If nothing has been done in a week then we can sit down and find out how to make time for it. Same goes with my list.

I miss me. I find myself resenting my boyfriend for not doing things but in reality I have helped provided this environment for him for the past 4 years.  Is it really his fault that I have always catered to him and never really pushed him to do much?  Maybe partially but that is for him to work on.  

Now what do I do about my own life that I feel is just passing me by?

I don't grab a bite with friends. Heck, I really don't have many friends that I even feel comfortable with anymore. I don't call ANYONE. I rarely text people even if they are always on my mind.

I feel like all my friends have now become acquaintances. I feel so far away from them that I don't even know where to start. How do you become friends with someone that you abandoned? Do you try to go out for coffee with each of them individually? Should I just throw a huge party and beg people to show up? I'll find a way.

In the meantime, I am trying to find my balance. Balance for me, him and us. It's not going to be an easy journey and I really am trying to leave my expectations empty. I am trying to allow things to happen naturally and just to trust my instincts.

I know one thing about myself and that is that I have to have a goal and a purpose. I can't force my goals and timeline on Cor and so I must find one that is just for me. 

What do I love?

What drives me and makes me feel strong and powerful and accomplished?

What makes my endorphins kick into gear?

I know I love working out. Yoga makes me feel so unbelievably strong and it helps me with all my joint issues while also making me more comfortable with my body image. I also love lifting and doing fast paced hard workouts and so I have been playing with the idea of starting Crossfit. I know both of these will get me out of the house and around new people. I know either will be great for my own mindset. I need to do me. I need to just say that I am the most important person in this world. And I need to believe it.

I have no children and I'm not married. My family is important and Cory is important but no one is as important as me. No one's happiness is more important than mine. Period.

Time to remember that and time to make that a priority. I can't be a good friend or spouse without being a good me.

I don't know what will happen with Cory and I. I don't know if he will fill the role I expect of him. I can only be open and honest with him and let him make that choice on his own. Just like I need to make the choices of staying strong and sticking to my goal of finding myself.

We are on a journey. I suppose that is what life is. A constant journey and a constant road of following your gut, making compromises and finding joy in yourself and others. Just breathe it out.