Tiara Joy

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Mukilteo, WA, United States
I'm a mid-late twenties female that's just trying to get my life going in the right direction in all aspects. This blog will follow me thru all my thoughts no matter how silly, serious, funny or sad.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Miss Bailey Blue's Birth part 2!

I know where I ended on part one but I must say, I have had this browser window open for months. I just don't know how I felt about going through the hospital part of this birth. In the past few weeks I have had the opportunity to sit down with everyone who was at Bailey's birth and to get their side of what happened. They were able to fill me in on the things that I can't remember or didn't have the chance to see. I want to preface by saying that some of this story may be a trigger for you. Obviously it has a happy ending but there was a few terrifying moments. With that all said, I hope you enjoy this last chapter in my birth story.

After I knew for sure that I was being transferred to the hospital I was laying in bed, broken down, and letting the world pack around me. I was still having contraction on top of contraction and was not getting any release. I felt like I was sleeping for hours in between contractions but really it was less than a minute of rest. I was shutting down on my self.  Having to get dressed at this point was just miserable. I had at least 3 contractions just while trying to get my pj's back on.  Here I am at 10 cm and I'm trying to get dressed. NOT fun!

Once we had the cars packed everyone helped escort me out of the birthing center and I realized that it was early afternoon. It was like leaving a casino after going in when it was dark and coming out hours later when it's light out. It's a mind trip. I had a moment of embarrassment while walking out when I realized that it was business hours and some poor other mothers had to listen to me roaring and screaming. I'm sure I terrified them.

We got back in my dad's rental car to go the 5 blocks to the hospital with me in the backseat with my midwife holding me up. Let me tell you, 5 blocks is like a MILLION when you are having contractions every 45 seconds, are in a car, have a baby's head stuck on your pelvis and you CANNOT push!

We got to the hospital and the midwife rushed to get me a wheelchair to get me in. Of course, the only one we found had no footrests so here I am, having contractions, trying to hold my feet up while we get into the hospital. We found one once we got inside but I was not about to try to switch so I just hollered at them to just get me to the room!  Cory, the midwife and I got in the elevator and had to go up to level 4 for admissions. We got there and they said "Tiara right? Ok go down to level three to room 321". Yes. That was it. I had to go all the way to level 4 just for them to say ok, we know you are here. I was not very happy with that. So back into the elevator we go, all while contracting and holding my feet up.

When we get into my room the doctor was already there and asked if I wanted an epidural. I really wanted to do this natural. I really wanted to have all the sensations and feeling I possibly could. I REALLY didn't want to hear a single person tell me "I told you so" when they find out I couldn't do a natural birth. My midwife saw the hesitation on my face. She asked me if I remembered what she told me at the beginning of my pregnancy?  She said " having an epidural is not losing. It's not giving up. Sometimes we need that break for our bodies and in this case having the epidural is needed."

As soon as I said yes to the epidural the anesthesiologist was in my room. I swear they had him just waiting for me. In about 4 minutes I had three nurses and the anesthesiologist all putting different iv's in different spots and cuffs and monitors everywhere. They put the epidural in during contractions because there was never a moment of no contractions. Trying to not move and stay relaxed while getting a huge needle in your back and contracting is freaking hard!

Once my epidural was in place it was like Disney land. I have never known relief as sweet as that. I felt my back and hips finally relax after 8 hours. I felt like I could catch my breath. I had a very small dose in place and it was just enough. It was heaven. My midwife and new doctor went thru everything that had been going on and then my midwife wished me luck and left me in the charge of the new doctor.  Shortly after that everyone came on in after getting a bite to eat, a quick nap or whatever they needed to do. We met my nurse and went thru what to expect.

Turns out Bailey was sunny side up and I was having back labor and that was why it was so rough on me. The Dr. tried to manually turn Bailey and he had some success at first. I got a nice break of having to push for about almost an hour. My nurse Linda was amazing and stayed right by my side with my Doula Ashley. Linda tried to prop me on my side with my leg in a stirrup and it was horribly uncomfortable so my doula asked for a birthing ball to put between my legs and that was so much better.  We had my dad, Cory and my momma on the couch cracking jokes with me and the team. Ashley doula was right by my head the whole time while Ashley photographer was doing her amazing thing taking pictures. Then it was go time.

We kept pushing and I was still making no progress with Bailey dropping down. Every contraction and push was making Bailey's heart rate drop. The nurse pushed the emergency button and a whole team of 6 nurses rushed into the room at one point in time and pushed everyone away from me while they tried to get Bailey's heart back up. It was devastating. They didn't tell me anything. They just rushed in and took over with out a word. I was so scared. We got her heart rate up and they decided to put a fetal heart monitor directly on to her head with a little screw since the monitor around my belly kept losing her.  That seemed to help with the false drops in heart rate but we were still experiencing them. Sometime around here my contractions and labor started to stall and I was given a little whiff of petocin to help push things along so we could get Bailey out.

Other than the scariness of Bailey's heart, I was feeling great at this point. Just was pushing when they told me since I couldn't feel it and joking and talking with everyone around me. Things started getting more and more serious and every time the doctor came in he was talking to me about emergency c-section and how it was being prepped for me. He discussed the possibility of having to use forceps and vacuum to get her out and that still may result in c-section since she seems to be stuck and kept going back to being sunny side up even after he turned her.  I felt like he was humoring us with letting me push for so long. He kept saying he would give me another hour and then another half hour and then another half hour. Every 30 minutes was a fight for me not to have surgery.

My doula and my momma kept asking if we could get a squat bar for me so that I have something to bear down on. Finally we got one in the room and we had them lower the dose of epidural to almost nothing so I could use my contractions to my advantage and have them help me push. We asked to get a mirror brought in so I could see my progress and have that motivate me to keep going. Once all that happened I started making some serious progress. Bailey was still dropping with every contraction so I was given an oxygen mask to try and help.

Once I caught glimpse of her sweet little head crowning I was on fire! I was getting that sweet girl out all on my own. I started making more and more progress. Linda stayed right there helping to open me up with every push and trying to work Bailey out. My momma crawled on the bed with me to hold my head up during my pushes while I had my hands wrapped around a sheet on the squat bar to help pull and push. I was getting so excited about my progress. I was joking about how amazing a vagina looks during birth. We were having a ball! I figured out if I wiggle my belly after every push then Bailey's heart would come back up so here I was pushing with all my might then getting oxygen and wiggling with all my might. I'm sure it was quite the sight.

We got to the hospital at 10:30. By 3pm it was time. Bailey was coming! The doctor came in and we were all joking about who would cut the cord and when I should push for a final boost of my epidural before go time. That's when things got serious.  They had already set up a special NICU bassinet in the room since we were having issues with her heart. Now all the nurses started trickling in.

I don't remember much. I pushed and pushed and pushed and watched that mirror to see her come out. At some point an alarm was sounded in the nurses station and we had a whole NICU team come rushing in. Bailey was pushed out and the whole room dropped to dead silence. Dead silence.

When you watch movies and shows about birth you know they come out pretty ugly and take a whooping second to breathe and cry. I was prepared for that and I prepared Cory for that. I wasn't prepared for what we got. We had nothing. I saw her plop out and I saw her just dangling there in the doctors hands. She was grayish blue. No oxygen in her tiny little body. The doctor pulled her out and unwrapped my cord from around her neck, around her arm, and around her tiny little tummy and immediately cut it and handed her off to the team of nurses.

I just sat on my bed with my momma behind me, my doula and nurse next to me and Cory just sat down on the couch next to my dad. Ashley H. (the photographer and my good friend) had been right behind the doctor for the birth and she was able to see everything. I just kept staring at my doula wondering why I couldn't hear her. Why wasn't anyone telling me anything? Why couldn't Cory go over to her? Why in the world was no one telling me anything?! I kept looking from face to face to see someone show a happy face. A nurse had purposely stood in front of my line of vision and my doctor was busy delivering my placenta and stitching my tiny tear. I kept asking if she was ok. I kept looking at Ashley H since she had the best view of Bailey. She had stopped taking pictures. She was doing her best not to break down herself.  My momma tried to climb down off the bed and everyone told her to just stay and be there for me. I was losing my mind. I have never been more scared. I have never wanted to hear a baby cry more than I did in those first 7 minutes.   It was the most silent room full of the most nervous energy I have ever been in.

Finally I heard my baby girl cry and I broke down and heaved and cried. I begged them to let Cory go over to her. They finally let him and as soon as he spoke to her she stopped and looked right at her daddy. He was able to stay next to her for the remaining of them working on her until finally they brought her to me to be placed on my chest. I sat there ripping my gown off and it was so tangled in all the iv lines and blood pressure cuff. I was getting so frustrated I begged them to just take it all off me so I could have my baby. I just pulled it all behind my head and they brought my sweet girl to me and laid her on my chest. Feeling her tiny body move with every breath on my chest was the sweetest feeling even though it was still so raspy and wet sounding.

Bailey had been born with an APGAR score of 2. Ashley H. told me much later how she watched them work on Bailey. She was the only one that had a view point. As soon as the nurses had Bailey they quickly put her on the table and pulled her head back so that they could place the ventilator tube down her throat. She had a breathing tube in while one nurse worked on sucking all the fluid and meconium out of her lungs. Ashley said she was shocked with how rough they seemed to handle her. Her poor body was left completely limp while her chest heaved upwards with every push of air they compressed into her lungs. I can't imagine what she felt as she watched that with out dropping a single tear for me. She stayed strong so that I wouldn't know how scary this situation really was.Bailey moved up to an APGAR of 5 after a few minutes of work and she finally was given a score of 7 when all was said and done.

I'm so thankful for the nurse that stood in my way. For my doula just keeping her eyes on me and telling me that she is going to be just fine and not to worry, that I would have my baby soon they just needed to make sure she was ok. So thankful for my momma staying in bed with me and not leaving me alone when I needed the comfort the most. I'm beyond thankful that Cory had no clue how serious of a situation we were in. He still to this day doesn't understand how close we were to losing her and I'm ok with that. He was spared that horror. I'm beyond thankful for Ashley H. staying strong and not letting me see her fear. My dad for sitting there quietly and being so calm for me when I know he was anything but. I was the luckiest momma in that hospital that day to have such an amazing team with me and a healthy baby girl in my arms.

To see most my birth photos please go tohttps://www.facebook.com/ashleychristinaphotography or directly to the album at https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.698384196892793.1073741889.457151844349364&type=3

To read about my doula please go to http://www.peacefulbeginningsds.com/  or her Facebook site at https://www.facebook.com/PeacefulBeginningsDoulaServices

Monday, March 31, 2014

Miss Bailey Blue's Birth Story part 1

I don't even know where to begin with this amazing journey I had.  I suppose we will start with my doctor's appointment on Tuesday the 11th, four days after my due date.

On Tuesday I went to my 11am appoint with my midwife at the Birth Center.  All was looking good and I had my membranes swept and they stretched me to a stretchy 4 cm and could feel my water bulging while I was 100% effaced. All good signs for labor to start soon! I was told to go walk for a few hours to see if that helps to get things going.  I called my parents and let them know that hopefully things would get going soon and then went and met up with my girlfriends to go on a walk.

We walked for about a mile and then I left and went to Home Depot for a few things and started having cramps and felt like I was leaking so I decided that it may be best for me to head on home just in case. I got a call from my dad and stepmom saying they had booked a flight for that night because we were all just so excited!

My parents got in late that night and nothing new was going on. We all went to bed and Cor went to work on Wednesday while the parentals and I went to downtown Snohomish to try and walk this baby out! We were out and about for about 5 hours walking from shop to shop and up and down so many stairs! I was completely enjoying our day out and wasn't feeling too much different from the day before. Sore and pressure but no contractions or pain. Was this baby ever going to come?!

We went home and Cor made us all dinner. I sat on the yoga ball bouncing the night away while using my manual pump to try to jumpstart contractions. Nothing was happening except me getting tired and sore!

Thursday came and I had made a call to my midwife because I had thought I was leaking fluid and was concerned. They said they would get back to us and so we went on a good long walk with the dogs around our neighborhood.  When we finally heard back from the midwife she was not concerned at all. I asked what I could do to get this going and she said nothing and to stop walking. Walking will only exhaust me for when labor comes. So the parents and I just sat on the couches and hung out. Cor was at work and then went to band practice until about 7pm so it was just My dad, momma2 and I hanging out at home and having a blast!

I don't think I have ever laughed as hard as I did that day. I was hysterically laughing and wheezing and crying over everything! My dad and I must have looked like lunatics! We didn't have dinner that night. Just munched on pickled green beans, red vines, cheesecake and other crap. We were starting to think this baby was never coming so we just stayed up a little on the late side. Everyone was drinking beer and jagermiester and my dad suggested I take a tiny sip of Jagger because you never know, Bailey might just want out to join the party! I took two little sips of my daddy's shot and we continued to laugh the night away.

We all finally went to bed around 11pm or so. Our bellies full of junk food and our cheeks sore from laughing.. I woke up to pee at about 1:30 am. I did my usual potty break and text my darling friend Cari, who had just had a baby about a month prior. I climbed into bed and closed my eyes only to be awaken by a sudden urge to pee at about 1:45am. I got up, ran to the toilet and thought my water was breaking. I sat there for about a minute and then the first contraction hit hard and fast. Two minutes later another hit and I called out for Cory to wake up. He got up confused and helped me time them out. They were immediately one minute long and 2 minutes apart. This was happening fast and furious.

I had him call our amazing doula, Ashley, and let her know what was going on.  We were told by the birth center to wait until the contractions were 1 minute long and 2 minutes apart for at least 2 hours before paging the midwives and coming in.  At this point Wheeler, our doggy, had gotten up and went to the guest room to let my parents know we were in labor. My momma2 was already up as she had heard me groaning loudly and my lovely papa was trying to go back to sleep thinking it was going to take some time. 

I hoped in the shower to try and help with the contractions. I don't know how long I was in there. I do know it helped immensely to have that hot water pounding on my back. My momma was sitting in the bathroom with me timing my contractions while Cory talked with the doula and finally paged the midwives since we live about 30 minutes away from the birth center and my contractions were just coming harder and faster. I finally got out of the shower because I didn't want to use up all the hot water. I wanted to save it in case the pain got worse and I needed to get back in, not realizing that this labor was going fast and I wouldn't be home much longer.

I got dressed in some scrubby pajamas, not the cute pj's I had picked out for labor ;), and went to the living room to try some of the techniques our doula had shown us. My contractions were still a minute or longer and every 2-3 minutes so I wasn't able to do all the things I thought I would do while in beginning stages of labor such as do the dishes, fill the cooler with ice packs and snacks, make sure my bag is packed with everything I need and get the dogs to pee, etc. Instead I was on all fours holding on to my birth ball and trying to talk everyone into grabbing what was needed and packing the cars up.

We finally got the all clear from the midwives to come to the birth center at about 4am. I had been in labor and trying not to push for 2 hours. I climbed in the back of my dad's rental car and laid down trying to just close my eyes and zone out for the ride while my dad followed Cory to the birth center. I tried to keep track of where we were by following the turns but I couldn't. I had no clue where we were in relation to the birth center and I just needed to focus on getting thru the contractions alone.

Once we got to the birth center it was about 4:20am and the street was empty. The birth center is on one of the main roads in Downtown Everett and is lined by businesses with apartments above them. I got out of the car and had two contractions while standing outside and I will never forget standing on Colby Ave in the dreary early morning and letting out roars and groans that echoed up and down North Everett while waiting for the midwives to show up and open the birth center. I wanted to laugh with how ridiculous it was and was imagining the people waking up in their apartments wondering who was getting murdered below.

One of the assistants showed up a few minutes after us and let us in. I begged her to let me get in the tub and was told I needed to wait until I had been checked to make sure it was safe. My doula showed up right about this time and I couldn't be happier to see her as well as my amazing friend Ashley who was doing our birth photos. We got in the room and things became a blur. We got me checked and found that I was 7 cm and my water hadn't fully broke yet and I was free to get in the tub!

I climbed in and was told to stay on all fours and to try to stay off my back. The water felt wonderful but it was difficult to find a comfortable way to lay and I didn't really have anything to hold on to except my darling doula. Finally Cory sat on the edge of the back of the tub so I could hang on him and lay between his legs. Every contraction was hitting like a brick to the back and was so hard to not push. I don't know how long I was in that tub but about an hour or so later they pulled me out to check me again and I was 10cm and my water had broke so I was allowed to start pushing for real!

The room was low lit and so warm with mellow music going in the background. We had our wonderful midwife Darlene, her daughter Brianne who is finishing her license to become a midwife, a birth assistant, my doula Ashley, our photographer Ashley, my amazing stepmom, my daddy and Cory and I. I had so much love and support in that room with me. Here I was in full blown labor and I was just so in love with everyone in that room with me.

I pushed and pushed and pushed. My doula was next to me the entire time massaging my legs, my shoulders, feeding me honey sticks and frozen grapes to keep the energy up, whatever I needed. Everyone else was helping keep a huge bowl of ice water in the room so they could keep wash clothes cold and on me.  We tried pushing on a birthing stool, pushing while on the toilet backwards, pushing on all fours, pushing on my back on the bed, pushing, and pushing and pushing. My midwife was trying to help my cervix along as it seemed the lip of my cervix wouldn't go up all the way. I would push and she could get it moved but then once I stopped pushing it would go back down and it was making it hard for the baby to move down more. We tried a few more positions with Cory holding me up in his lap and dropping my butt down every time a contraction came while my doula stood behind him holding my hands to keep me from falling. We were trying to use gravity to get her down.

After a few hours of all these positions we were able to get the cervix to stay all the way up and open and we thought the baby would be making her entrance at any time now.  I was laying on the bed with Ashley by my head holding my hand while my momma held one leg up, one of the assistants was holding the other leg and another was on the other side of my head holding my hand feeding me water while cory kept the wash clothes coming. I will never forget that moment.

I was sitting there pushing as hard as I could and in between those contractions I would just look around me and realize that this is how labor should be. Every woman should be surrounded by loving and caring women helping to bring this baby into the world. I was so in love with every person in that room. My vision was fuzzy with endorphins. Being able to stare into my doula's eyes without her breaking contact and just having her whisper to me about how my body is doing it,it's happening and I was doing soo good. Having Cory hold me up and let me hang on him and kiss him. All I wanted in that time was to kiss Cory and pet Ashley. Here I was in extreme labor wanting to love on everyone.

After about 5 hours of pushing I was getting so tired. We switched my position so I was on my knees and the idea was to reach up and use the headboard as leverage to bear down and push during contractions. I tried so hard. I pushed with all I had left in me but my contractions had started to stall. I was getting them every minute and they were only lasting about 30 seconds. Not long enough for me to get a good push or a good rest in. I was exhausted. The pain in my back was extreme and I couldn't get my back or hips to relax.

My midwife came in and told me the baby was still not making the progress she needed to make. She let me know that I had two options. I could either be transferred immediately to the hospital or I could try for another half hour and if nothing happens than I would need to be transferred. This was at about 9 am and I decided to try for another 30 minutes. I wanted this birth in that birth center. That was my plan and that was what I was going to do. But, I have to admit, there was something in the back of my head that was telling me it was ok to go to the hospital and that it wasn't giving up.

My doula was next to me and talking to me and giving me so much encouragement. Letting me know to push with all my might on these next few contractions and to fight for my baby girl. I pushed and I pushed and it wasn't happening. Everyone was moving around and packing up their stuff while my doula and I sat on that bed and tried our hardest to get Bailey to come on down. That 30 minutes went faster than anything in the world. It was over. We were getting transferred. The emotions were so high. I was worried, relieved, scared, and pissed off at myself. Having Ashley there with Cory and I and my family was crucial. She kept us calm and let me just cry in her lap as I started the process of grieving for a birth that I wanted and couldn't have as well as preparing for a mind shift and coming to terms with a hospital birth.

to be cont.......

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Since that fateful July 6th 2013

I remember sitting on the toilet staring at that little stick.

I remember the absolute thrill and the absolute, all encompassing terror that washed through me.

I stared at that stick for a good minute or two making sure that I was really seeing two lines. Trying to see if my eyes were playing tricks on me.

Then I realized I had to tell Cory. Crap.

We were trying. It shouldn't be that scary. We knew this would happen eventually.  What better timing? Our friends were expecting! This will be fun! right?

I walked out of the bathroom shaking and debating how to go about this. I wanted to do something cute and memorable but I also knew I couldn't keep it in. So I walked right up to him as he was sitting on the computer in the dining room.

I asked him if he wanted to do a shot. Yep. I said " hey babe you want a shot of jagger? or Fireball?"

He looked at me like I was crazy and said no. I then told him we have all these half bottles in the freezer and someone needs to drink them and it's not going to be me. Then he laughed, looked at me and said "what are you pregnant or something?"

This was it. I had to just say it. "Yep." It took everything in me not to start laughing and crying. He didn't believe me and I had to tell him I was dead serious as I was hysterically laughing. He still said no way and I had to pull him into the bathroom and show him the test as I was shaking the whole time.

His response was really nothing to write home about. I think he said oh crap once or twice and that was it. I got radio silence for a day or two while he processed this Earth-shattering news. I know how he processes so it was ok. I did my best to not just jump into BABY mode and give him time to take it all in.

Two weeks later he was in the kitchena nd popped his head out with a big goofy grin and looked me straight in the eye and said, " This means I get to take the baby to it's first ever Monster Truck show right?"

"Yes, darling. You get to be there for the first of EVERYTHING!" And with that he was done processing and was ready to be excited! 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

2014, A new year and a whole new life!

It's been some time since I have said hello to this little blog of mine.

The last 8 months has changed my life in so many ways and has kept me so busy and yet I found myself remembering this little corner of the internet that I call mine.  I had so many well intended posts and so much news to share and at the same time I just couldn't bring myself to write about any of it.

In May of last year we decided to no longer NOT try to get pregnant. We thought it would take some time and why not just let nature take it's course?  In June we found out that our very dear friends were finally pregnant after a long time trying and we couldn't be more excited for them! We celebrated their news while out at the bar to listen to Cory's band play and that night we celebrated some more.

We went about our lives for the next few weeks although I was feeling ridiculously tired all the time. I was needing to pull my car over and take naps in parking lots just to get safely home. I knew something was up but I still had a few weeks before I would know what was going on.

Fast forward to about June 30th and I knew something was up. I told Cory that I would gladly be the Designated Driver for our 4th of July festivities and we went about our holiday weekend hanging out with friends, blowing stuff up and ended with a little trip over the mountains and to Ellensburg to say hi to Cory's brother and family.

On our two hour journey I started to get car sick and wasn't feeling well at all. I felt like I needed to just sit on solid ground and breathe fresh air and maybe take a nap or two. We made it, barely. We had a little BBQ that night and ground beef hamburgers was disgusting to me. I just couldn't stand the texture and it tasted so weird to me no matter what I slathered on it. So I fed the rest to the dogs and I called it a night at about 8pm.

The next day we headed home, dropped off our nephew at his mom's house and then straight home. As soon as we got home I ran to the bathroom, peed on a stick and BOOM. Our life was forever changed.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Home pause

We are on a slight detour of life at this time.

Our house is kinda in a waiting period and I feel like our lives are as well.

Cor just got a new job that shows nothing but promises of a great future. But how do you wait for the future when you are as inpatient as me?

I am feeling like second fiddle to Cory's life and I am making choices to try to change that.  It's a very difficult journey to find yourself after 4 years of focusing on who you are standing next to your man to trying to focus on who you are as an individual.

I have always thought of myself as a strong independent woman, which I am, but I also am very much a dependent woman.  Not in a financial or emotional sense but in the fact that I always try to leave myself available to my boyfriend. I try not to make plans to do things that would interfere with when he is not at work. I try to get all "my" stuff done during early mornings before work or while he is at band practice.

I used to admire and want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I wanted to do everything in my power to create an environment that is purely for my man. I wanted to be able to give him the support, encouragement and confidence to do whatever he wanted or needed to do. I wanted him to know things will always be taken care of at home so he can focus on what he needs to do. I took a wonderful thing and turned it much too literal. In providing that environment for him I lost myself completely. I forgot one of the biggest parts of being a proverbs woman. Staying strong with yourself.

I began to resent him for not doing "his" part at home. But to speak truthfully and honestly I never really gave him a part to play. Now that we have this house I expect him to start, work on or complete a project daily. Now I need him to play his part but he is still learning it. I say that I do everything with the house and I feel that it is a true statement. But then I realize that may be a gross exaggeration. He may not do as much but really I don't give him the opportunity because I want it done faster than he thinks it needs to be done.

I handle our finances and I bitch about being the one to "do" everything but I picked that role. I choose to take it on because I actually ENJOY making a budget, paying bills on time and following plans. I don't think I would be able to sit back and have him take over that role so why do I bitch about it?

I handle the majority of cleaning, dusting, sweeping, laundry, dishes, weed-pulling, and grocery shopping. Once again, I put myself in that role because I get frustrated when Cor does it because it isn't to my standards or how I do it. I could absolutely let him do the laundry or dishes but because I'm such a control freak and I always get cranky if he does tiny loads of laundry or runs the dishwasher with only half the amount of dishes that need to be washed, I choose to just do it myself.

These are things that I don't need to waste energy complaining or being upset about. I made this pigeon hole and as much as I feel I nag him to do things I could probably just let it go.I can ask myself  "Does it need to be done immediately?"  If it does then I can just do it myself. Really I am faster at most cleaning so in the amount of time it takes for me to nag I can probably have it done.

So with the house I have started to make a 'Cory list' and a 'Tiara list'. I can write down a project or task that I need him to do and he can look at it and get it done. If nothing has been done in a week then we can sit down and find out how to make time for it. Same goes with my list.

I miss me. I find myself resenting my boyfriend for not doing things but in reality I have helped provided this environment for him for the past 4 years.  Is it really his fault that I have always catered to him and never really pushed him to do much?  Maybe partially but that is for him to work on.  

Now what do I do about my own life that I feel is just passing me by?

I don't grab a bite with friends. Heck, I really don't have many friends that I even feel comfortable with anymore. I don't call ANYONE. I rarely text people even if they are always on my mind.

I feel like all my friends have now become acquaintances. I feel so far away from them that I don't even know where to start. How do you become friends with someone that you abandoned? Do you try to go out for coffee with each of them individually? Should I just throw a huge party and beg people to show up? I'll find a way.

In the meantime, I am trying to find my balance. Balance for me, him and us. It's not going to be an easy journey and I really am trying to leave my expectations empty. I am trying to allow things to happen naturally and just to trust my instincts.

I know one thing about myself and that is that I have to have a goal and a purpose. I can't force my goals and timeline on Cor and so I must find one that is just for me. 

What do I love?

What drives me and makes me feel strong and powerful and accomplished?

What makes my endorphins kick into gear?

I know I love working out. Yoga makes me feel so unbelievably strong and it helps me with all my joint issues while also making me more comfortable with my body image. I also love lifting and doing fast paced hard workouts and so I have been playing with the idea of starting Crossfit. I know both of these will get me out of the house and around new people. I know either will be great for my own mindset. I need to do me. I need to just say that I am the most important person in this world. And I need to believe it.

I have no children and I'm not married. My family is important and Cory is important but no one is as important as me. No one's happiness is more important than mine. Period.

Time to remember that and time to make that a priority. I can't be a good friend or spouse without being a good me.

I don't know what will happen with Cory and I. I don't know if he will fill the role I expect of him. I can only be open and honest with him and let him make that choice on his own. Just like I need to make the choices of staying strong and sticking to my goal of finding myself.

We are on a journey. I suppose that is what life is. A constant journey and a constant road of following your gut, making compromises and finding joy in yourself and others. Just breathe it out.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Home... Blah blah blah. I'm so in love!

What a fun season in life right now.

So many friends, more facebook friends than real life friends (I'm working on that), are having babies and buying houses. It seems the weddings are slowing down right now and the next chapters of life are starting.

This is so much fun for me because, well, I can relate to this stage of life better. I'm not engaged, planning a wedding, going on honeymoon's or any of that stuff so I had a hard time feeling overly excited when my friends were in that phase. I was of course happy for them and excited to be a part of that magical day but I didn't have the same emotions as I do now.

Now I just am over the moon when I see friends posting pictures of their homes, yards and gardens. I get giddy over it all. I can relate. I can swap stories and get inspiration. It's like this super cool club that I feel like I joined.

Don't even get me started on the babies. Baby stories will instantly give me goosey bumps and make tears prickle my eyeballs. THAT is some serious awesomeness! I love babies and baby stuff.

I can't wait for that moment where I can share the news that we are expecting (not to worry, it's not anytime soon).

But for now I will revel in the house love and to show ya what I mean...
 I pulled a Martha and put caulking on the back of our rugs to make them stop sliding EVERYWHERE..... Don't waste your caulk. Barely works.... Maybe I will try again with more of a silicone version. I think my floors are just too dirty. Heeheheehe....

 Our yard has been mowed, the house sprayed for spiders and bugs and the sticker bushes are almost completely gone!! The area in front of those trees was just full of sticker bushes and now its open and there is even a few small trees growing... I'm looking forward to seeing what they are and to putting a sweet little chair swing up in that tree!
We stopped at Home Depot to pick up a few small things and walked out with these chairs. I have been in love with them for years and we were originally going to get the raw wood ones to stain or paint but we decided this was a faster cheaper alternative and they look great! Love the pop of color it adds to the front porch. I'm working on a really sweet table idea for in between.
Gotta show some love to our massive driveway.  I swept and edge the whole thing the other day and what a pain in the butt! A ton of leaves were so run over I swear I thought they would be imprinted into the asphalt but we got it pretty. I'm hoping next summer to put a new blacktop on just to freshen it up.
When we bought the house it came with a huge black mailbox with peeling stickers of the last owner's name and it was faded and rusting. I had grand dreams of a gorgeous mailbox with our house address and our name in some awesome decal font. I was vetoed on putting our name on the box and I was vetoed on the decal idea. Finally after 3 months of this mailbox sitting on our coffee table with paint pens Cor finally painted the numbers on with that sweet little detail on the back. I kinda like that only we see it. It's growing on me.
 Hard to tell but the numbers are outlined in lime green with a little bit of orange highlighting.

Lots of little projects getting done and adding up to a home we love.   Can't wait to share more projects and a super fun baby party we are throwing in a few weeks!!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Bathroom... Almost complete!

The Bathroom before was a very drab place. It was dark, dingy and absolutely outdated. With one wall painted a denim blue and the other three a harvest yellow it just screamed 90's country. The heater on the ceiling was a smoke yellow, you know that color walls turn after someone smokes for years in a house? Ya that and the ceiling exhaust fan were that color. So were the outlet covers, the light switch, the heater knob and the exhaust fan knob.   

When we first moved in there was oak towel bar, can we say gross and moldy??, and it hung over the toilet. Which just seemed so very weird to me.  You can see the matching toilet paper roll on the counter below.
 The picture below is after I painted the mirror frame. That was also oak. because ya know, why not?

 The ceiling was the biggest project ever. I scraped the peeling bits and then we mudded!
The big box of mud! This stuff was awesome. It was already pre-mixed and ready to use. I made the mistake of getting a 14 inch trowel instead of a 12 and those 2 extra inches really did make it a little bit harder to control and keep level. Your arm gets very tired!
Once that was done and dried, I sanded the entire ceiling. With my little tiny hand sander. So much fun.... Not! It made the biggest mess I have ever seen! I taped the drain in both the bathtub and the sink to try and prevent a ton of the stuff going down the drains.  Then it was go time!
This is the ceiling after the first mud and before the first sanding. You can see the big grooves and ridges. Since we won't  be adding texture to the ceiling we needed to do our best to get it as smooth and flat as possible.

 It just needed a light touch in most places but in others you had to just go over and over and over to get it flat and even.
 And this is what I looked like HALF way through! Just halfway! Oh it was insane!

 I couldn't imagine doing it with out that mask! Even with it on I had white bogeys for days! And I had extremely full hair with awesome body!

After sanding I wiped it all down and then put up another, very thin, coat of mud. and while that dried I started on the rest of the projects for the bathroom. The light fixture was a cream color and just so blah. I sprayed it Oil Rubbed Bronze and then glued pennies all over it. I kinda thought it looked weird and cheap but I just kept on going.

 I also sprayed the shower curtain rod the same color and glued pennies to some letters that spell out "BATH". We have a painting Cor's grandma did for us that was kinda the color inspiration and so I sprayed that frame as well.

Once the mud was done drying I did a very light sand and wipe and then started painting. I started with the walls to allow the mud a whole day to cure. We picked a very light blue with a creamy white ceiling color.

 It was messy and crowded and a pain in the butt.

 We brought the ceiling color down a few inches onto the wall to add a bit more height and something different.  I wasn't so sure but now I love it!

 Once the paint was dry and the tub was caulked we got to work putting the place back together. First up was the light.... I am in love. We splurged and got the "vintage" Thomas Edison style light bulbs and they seriously are just amazing. They are very yellow in color which kinda changed the whole fresh, bright and clean vibe but look how awesome!!

 We haven't hung the letters or the frame yet, still deciding on the best way and place. But they look just as sweet and awesome on the counter.  We also bought a new set of towel rings, bar and toilet paper holder in the same ORB color as everything else.
I spray painted the fan and heater covers to a crisp white and am doing the knobs later today.  Makes a huge difference in the look. and look at the gleam on that gorgeous ceiling of mine!
Below is one option of tp storage that I am playing with, hence the tag still attached. I still want a cool shelf to add above the toilet for storage and drama pieces.

We still need to finish painting the vanity which is on this weeks to do list and we need to get some big fluffy towels and some other little bits to pull it together. I kinda love it and can't wait to show it off!