A baby rant....

I think I realized why I don't blog so much. I have this weird thing about talking about my life. I love to talk. I will tell you my life story if you ask. The only thing is, when I'm face to face with you I can understand your reaction to the story. I can sense if you are starting to feel like I'm bragging too much, or trying to draw sympathy. With that, I am able to alter the way I tell my story. I can leave out a few things or opt to make it seem like I'm not too overly sad or excited about something if it is hitting a nerve on you. I realize this because there are a few blogs I follow that tend to let you into the absolute depths of their heart and soul. Those blogs touch you deep down and don't ever make you feel like they are talking themselves up or down. They just feel like a great friend telling you all of their secrets. Some of the other blogs make you just squirmy. You feel like all they are doing is trying to perceive themselves as maybe the person they strive to be secretly but it doesn't seem to click right. It feels like you are talking to a guy at the bar who thinks it's a great idea to let you know how AMAZING you are at your job. Not that you HAVE an amazing job, but that YOU are Amazing at it. Or they put other people down for not being as nice of a person as they are. Well, aren't you just as bad for saying that about them? I just have this feeling that not everyone wants to know about how perfect you are compared to your friends because you are more 'mature' than them. Are you trying to sell yourself on this? Are you trying to impress a boss or a man/woman of interest, or co-worker? What makes you feel like you must put your self up on a pedestal? I ask in this in a curious manner, not an evil spirited way. I truly want to know what makes people tend to do this? We are all guilty of it at some points in our lives. I want to hear about your life and all your experiences! I really want to know how your job is and school or family. I just don't want to read about it in a way that seems negative. I have many other blogs I follow that keep it on a more personal level, something we can all relate to. All in all, I don't have to read those blogs or be a part of those conversations. But I still do because I love being able to know they are all doing well for themselves. It does affect me though. I find myself downplaying my achievements and not wanting to throw them around as much. I find myself limiting what I write about because it might just come off a tad wrong. Like this post. It may sound completely hypocritical because I very well may be making you feel like I am putting down others. I'm not. I still love reading those blogs. The people I follow are not all friends but are all wonderful writers no matter the content. I will always follow them and be interested in their lives because they have opened that door for me and I like the people I see on the other side. The journey thru that threshold may be strained and difficult but once inside, I know it will feel cozy and warm. That is it for now... After tonight though I will let you all in on some very exciting news of mine!!

My Mother.

Wow. It's been some time. I open this up every day with an intention of writing in it and then just stop. Alot has happened this month and I would like to talk about one of the major things. This month my mother went in the hospital. She went in to the ER on a Wednesday to get a shot for her neck since she has been having some problems with it. After she received the shot she went home and then that Friday, early in the am, she woke up and couldn't move her entire right side. Her partner brought her to the ER in Everett to be looked at. Turns out her neck was worse than expected and she had ruptured two of her discs. She was lookin at either a very long year or so of rehab and drugs or surgery to fix it. My mother has had a tough past when it comes to painkillers and she told the doctors she would not let those rule her life again and opted for surgery. She was told she would have the surgery Monday morning and be out hopefully that Wednesday in time for Thanksgiving. I went and visited with her on Sunday after church to talk and keep her company. She started to get scared as my brother and I started to leave. She began to tell us about her living will and what she was planning on giving us. Mind you this surgery is major and painful but not necessarily life threatening. She was scared and it was starting to show. She had a talk with us about what to do and what she wants in the case of life support or pulling the plug. That conversation was something we tried to make light of but it hits down in your heart somewhere. Somewhere dark and deep. I've had a rough relationship with my mother and expect us to still have our spats ahead of us, but this was hard. This was the first time I remember my mom being in the hospital for something major that could possibly paralyze her or make her brain dead- Your neck has everything running thru it that controls your heart and brain. It's a lot to navigate thru as a doctor I would imagine. Anyways, as she is telling me her wishes all I could do was sit there and think about how many times when I was younger I would wish for her to just go away? How many times was I so upset with her that I would beg and beg for her to not be my mother anymore? What if they came true during this surgery? What kind of guilt would I carry with me for the rest of my life? How could I have ever thought such things about my mother? Austin and I tried to make her laugh and did our best to tell her she was being silly and it would all turn out just fine. And it did. The surgery went well. They had to go thru the front of her neck and take out one of the discs and then place cadaver bones in her neck to help with mobility. My mom was so thoughtful of her guests that she put make up on before surgery that way we would have a pretty face to talk to when she got out. That's my mom for ya. And the doctor was kind enough to put her scar on a natural crease in her neck so it wouldn't be too visible. Cory and I went and saw her Monday after she was out of surgery. It was tough. She could barely talk because, well because she just had her throat sliced open! But she could kind of communicate and was trying to tell us stories about the girls (her grand babies/my nieces) but she just kept repeating herself. She couldn't drink water and we had to let her suck on this little piece of water soaked sponge. It was heartbreaking. She kept wanting me to put chap stick on her. And I did. She showed me her "sexy thigh highs" and was so proud of them. (Sexy thigh highs are really just the nylons the doc makes you wear to help with circulation I think. I know they were issued by the hospital but cute none the less!) She just seemed so helpless. It all reminded me so much of when my Great Grandma Cunningham was in the hospital. She was dieing. She couldn't speak anymore. We had to peel the chapped layers off of her lips. I remember her reaching up and grunting and we all thought she was reaching to the heavens and it was really because she was in pain. Her socks were too tight and cutting off circulation to her feet. It was heart wrenching and way too much for a child my age to take in. It stays with me to this day. And that was all I could think of as I was watching my mom lay there. She looks so much like her grandma. With neck surgery you can't really move your body too much and you have to lay at certain angles so there isn't too much pressure on your neck. Plus, with that much pain medication in your body, you start to get restless leg syndrome. It's very hard to stay still. At one point the nurse came in to give her some medicine. She had to take them orally. We are talking 4 pills that I would have a hard time taking without my throat freshly sliced! First they had to make sure she could swallow water and she was able to...kinda. So then they put this pill in my moms mouth, as it's dry from no drinking! and then give her a bit of water to try to swallow this thing. It was so painful looking and she started to cough. Now just imagine how your throat feels when you have the worst sore throat ever and you cough..... yea.... now times that by like a thousand! But she got through it. I knew she would. Unfortunately she wasn't able to get out until this last Sunday! She missed her niece's 1st birthday and Thanksgiving. I brought her some cinnamon rolls on Thanksgiving but she couldn't really eat still. She was living off of hospital pudding! YUCK!!! She is home now. Home and a good 35 minutes farther away from me. Doesn't seem like much but it is. I can't just grab the truck as easily and head over to visit her. I know she would love to see us all more but that distance is just a lot when you have no car. I'm having these guilty thoughts about how horrible of a daughter I have been. I treat my customers with more respect than I do to my mom on some occasions. I don't even know how many times I have opened my mouth and let negative things ooze out of it about her. I don't know how many times I have explained to people that tell me I seem so much older that it's all because I didn't have the best childhood. It's just all not true. I had a great childhood with what I had. I had a pool, a fruit orchard, a whole hotel to play in, a house full of cousins, a balancing beam, my Lucy dog, a meadow, a tree house, a neighborhood full of kids. My life was as sweet as my mom was able to make it at that time in our lives. I was never hungry. I was never without a roof. I was never without clothes. I had as many stuffed animals as a girl could ask for. My mom did her best and made some mistakes but that's what happens. Now it's time for me to start doing my best as a Daughter.

Oh, cooking! How I love you so!

Ok so I have a very healthy love for http://www.thepioneerwoman.com/ and Miss Ree Drummond herself. I check her blog daily and constantly scroll thru her gorgeous pictures for hours on end. I want to be like her. I want to have the amazing lodge she has and all of her wonderfully gorgeous china. I want her enameled cast iron dutch ovens in every color. I want a food processor and a KitchenAid mixer to make wonderful food. I want cows pooping on my front porch.... Well, that I could do without! You get the idea though. This woman is a wonderful inspiration with how graceful I think a woman should be. She is a wonderful mother and wife from what she lets on and she still has a great sense of humor. Anyways, she came out with a cookbook and yesterday was the day that it was officially 'In Stock' but I had already preordered it of course! I have Mondays off and was able to catch her segmant on The Bonnie Hunt show and almost cried from how giddy I was with her. You could feel her nervouseness as she began speaking about the fact she wears Spanx because after 4 kids things happen to fall. You can tell she is kicking herself as she is blurting these things out from nervousness. But that is her. Open and quirky and without too much of a care.... BACK ON TRACK..... So Monday I just kept wishing I had her cookbook already! I had pre-ordered it at the begining of September and was planning on cooking all day anyway and just wished I had it. I didn't and so I forged ahead with the recipes I already had and continued to dream about her book. Yesterday I opened my email for the first time in about 2 weeks to see if I had the tracking info for the book. I did! and to my surprise, it was delivered on MONDAY!!! I just hadn't checked the mail! So all day yesterday I waited and waited to get off work.... When the moment happened it was ecstasy! I ripped open that package with abandon! I couldn't stop giggling.... literally giddy and giggling! Poor BF had to sit there as I made him look at all the cows and Marlboro Man and the punks and... oh I know he just wanted to grab it and bonk me upside the head! I then had to feed BF and so I did. I made pan-seared rosemary pork chops and then made Pioneer Woman's twice baked potatoes to go along with it. It was delicious! oh Yummy! I then sat my fat, full, content butt on the couch and sat for hours. I sat and took in every word and every picture of that book. I felt the pages and listened to the cracking of the fresh spine. I smelled the pages hoping to get a whiff of fresh country air. I was drunk with love over that cookbook. I can't wait to dig in to these recipes. A few I have already printed out and made from her site and a few will never touch BF's lips but I'm still excited to spread the love to all my coworkers! Bring on the POUNDS!!!

OH me, OH MY!

Well it seems it has been almost two weeks since I last posted.... I think it must be because I have nothing to post about, but then I think about my wild saturday night in when I made my first batch of pot butter for my roommate and drank a very large bottle of wine to myself and then woke up to the bf on the couch and no sheets on the bed with my hair smells like throw up, oh and found a stray mushroom connected to the side of the bed by something sticky and stringy. I think about the awesome Seahawks game on Sunday where we won 41-0 against the Jags and the even more amazing dinner I cooked that night. Steamed clams with my own recipe for the broth, ceaser salad, roasted new potatoes and garlic w/ evoo and white wine, corn on the cobb, and crusty french bread. Then I think about the Reverend Horton Heat/Motorhead show I went to that I could post about. Oh I can't even sum this one up for you! It was STELLAR!! All in all, I don't know what I would like to dive in about and so here is a list of a few of my favorite blogs http://www.thepioneerwoman.com/ http://www.marinknits.blogspot.com/ http://www.bakerella.com/ http://www.itotallyforgotyougohere.blogspot.com/ http://www.marinbakes.blogspot.com/ http://www.motherhoodtellall.blogspot.com/ http://www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

http://threemanycooks.com/

not a blog but a huge inspiration:

http://www.tastykitchen.com/

I have so many more but these were a few to get you thru!

love to you all!!

A dream.... THANK GOD!

So the other night I had a wicked dream. I think it was my first nightmare in a very very very long time. So let me set you up for it. The other day, Monday I think, BF and I were running errands all day long. We went to Monroe to say hello to his mom and pick up his bday present (a outside fire pit!), we stopped at this crazy gun/fishing shop and got a hip holster-case thingy for his new gun, had lunch, went to the pet store for Wheeler's new collar, Just did a ton of running around in general. We got home late and I went upstairs to fold laundry. I found his "hiding" place for his guns and immediately thought it was a silly stupid spot and too out in the open. So I decided to move them and hide them better. I climbed into bed and never told BF that I moved them, therefore if he needed them he wouldn't be able to find them. Silly me. So I fall asleep and expect to have pleasant dreams of My Little Pony flying around on green hills.... WRONG!! Here is how the dream goes as best as I can remember it

• BF and I are sleeping in our bed when I wake up to a strange, quite noise. I sit still and listen to see if I can hear anything. Nothing. I try to fall back asleep only to hear it again. So I lay there completely still and trying not to breathe.

• I hear it again and this time I can hear two guys talking, barely above a whisper. I hear them get into the house very sneakily. I tried to wake BF up but he isn't cooperating so I just lay there stone still debating what to do.

• I slide out of bed and grab the two guns I hid earlier in the night.

• I knew if I didn't grab them right then we might not have a chance later and BF didn't know where I moved them.

• I debate if I have time to get clothes on. I decide I don't.

• I crawl back into bed and continue trying to wake up BF. For whatever reason the guys downstairs are taking their sweet time and I can hear they aren't actually taking anything... it's more like they are searching for something. BF finally wakes up and I hand him the guns and tell him what's going on.

• He tells me to stay in the bed and try to hide under the covers. So I do. I mound the comforter over me and try not to move a muscle.

• I hear him go downstairs and confront the two guys and then there is a huge commotion.

• Suddenly a third guy ran behind BF and hit him over the head.

• I can hear them coming for me. I slide off the bed and hide on the floor until I feel the blankets being ripped off me. It's a huge blur as the men are beating me and pulling me in every direction. I can feel my teeth being knocked out. I can smell the rusty smell of my own bloody being forced out of my body. I can taste the acrid taste.

• I end up laying next to BF as the men are tying us up. They leave us there bloody and tied while they go to search for whatever they were looking for.

• I can hear them tearing into the floor and bashing into the walls. I have no idea what they want.

• I get myself untied and start working on BF. He is almost unconscience. One of the guys comes back into the room and sees me. He starts yelling at me and pulls me down and beats me more. I'm just praying they don't rape me or kill us.

• I get a chance to fight him off of me and get a good kick to the gut and get to BF again.

• The man stands up and shoots.

• I'm sitting there crouched over in my own blood in just my panties trying to figure out if I was shot.

• I wasn't.

• BF was. The asshole shot him.

• I just lay there shaking, not knowing what else to do as the third guy goes back to check on the other guys. They find whatever they wanted in the wall and half way in the floor. They destroy my house, our house.

• Before they leave they beat me even more and leave me there to die next to BF.

• I accept that fate and curl up next to him. I grasp his hand and lay there, too stunned to pray, too stunned to think.

• Next thing I know I'm walking the streets of an urban city, somewhat like London and Seattle combined. I have glasses on and a scarf to cover myself and try to hide into the background of a busy world.

• I go shopping because I ddn't know what else there was to do. I go into the most quaint book shops and coffee houses until I finally meet up with a friend who takes me home.

• I walk into my house and it's perfect. There are no signs of a battle. No signs of a death taken without warrant. No signs of destroyed walls or bloody carpets.
• It's the cleanest I have ever witnessed it.

• I notice someone changed all the locks and placed wooden dowels in the windows to give me some feeling of security. I tell my friend to go home and just let me be and she does.
• It gets dark and I go to check one of the windows with the dowels in it only to notice it's been shoved open with the dowel stuck in between the two panes of glass and the screen missing. The opening is wide enough for a full grown man to climb thru. And then my mind goes to pitch black.

I woke up form this dream in a full on panic. I had no idea what was real and what wasn't until I felt the sweetest little puppy nuzzle up against my neck and give me sweet puppy breathe kisses and felt the heat of BF's body radiating next to mine and his hand resting on my back. I felt his chest go up and down with the rythmic beat of his breathing. I knew I was safe. I cuddled closer to BF and pulled Wheeler harder against me and tried to fall asleep for the remaining hour before I had to wake up. I told BF where I moved his guns the moment we both woke up. This dream has been stuck in my head ever since. I keep popping back to it. Last night I went upstairs to put the clothes away and lay down and read. I turned on all the lights in the room, locked the window and turned the tv up louder. I just had to get it out of me so there you go. This was the most frightening dream I have had in my adult years. I hope nothing about that dream comes true except for maybe coming home to a spotless house. That would be kinda bad ass.

Ah... LOVE!

As most of you know, I carpool to work with my BF. We live together. We drive to work together, have lunch together, drive home together, brush our teeth together. We are always together. I normally find this to be very stifling. I can't stand always being around the same person for too long. I get cranky and impatient and bitchy. It's similar to having cabin-fever for me. But I never feel this way with BF. I get cranky and frusterated and anxious quite a bit, but never due to being around him too long. It's normally because I need to eat or get out of the house or bake something. No one understands how we can do it. Well this is how:

• We don't talk much at work.
• We don't talk on the way to work.
• We eat our lunch together and will have a smoke break once or twice during the day.
• We laugh and chit chat on the way home
• I cook dinner while he relaxes or vice-a-versa
• I normally go upstairs about an hour earlier than him to watch girly shows
• Oh yeah... and I am completely in love with him.

I realized I had found a new level to how much I love him yesterday.

We carpooled to work yesterday but, unfortunately for me, he had a meeting after work and so we ended up having to stay for an extra hour and a half.

Normally I would be pissed! The last thing I want to do on my 'Monday' is to have to stay at work until almost 8pm without getting paid! I happened to have my book with me so it wasn't too horrible.

I was sitting on a barstool back in the Parts area while all the parts guys were in their meeting over in the 'lounge' area. I could hear some of what they were talking about but really only their voices and not what they were actually saying.

So, here I am trying to read but I can't seem to focus! I can hear whenever my BF laughs or makes a comment on something and it was completely distracting!

I can't hear anything that is actually being discussed but I can hear him. I can hear his different inflictions and tones. I can mentally see his smile or his scowl.

This is how we do it. Because I adore the kid and can't seem to be pissed at him for very long.

I freakin' love this guy! I just had to get that off my chest. I feel better now.

An update to "the Re-post" (last entry)

If you haven't read the post before this, than you should. It's a post that I have reread multiple times a month since I wrote it. It makes me happy. It makes me feel full and complete and snuggly warm. It's like my favorite blanket. I happened to write that post right after I got my new job at Harley and RIGHT before Cory and I became a couple. I am sad to say that I haven't kept to my plan of going to HoP and Armchair weekly. I have even backslided on church. I suppose you could say 'life' got in the way. So much of that post is no longer true but at the same time it is still something that stays in my heart and thoughts daily. Christina quit going to everything almost immediately after that post. She told me that it just didn't feel right to her. She had a lot on her plate of life at that time and instead of embracing a community that would have been there for her to help her she decided it wasn't for her and to find her own 'thing'. I didn't really understand any of her thinking on this and became a bit bitter about it. We eventually had a big falling out over other things and are no longer part of each others life. We haven't been since May. It was something that was very hard on me and for me. I still don't understand her way of thinking and why it all had to dissolve for us but I reached out to her yesterday. I found out she is doing ok and she will let me know when she is ready to get together again and catch up. Without her there to help hold me accountable, I started to wean off of Armchair. With working in Bellevue and getting home at about 7pm then heading straight to Marysville till 11pm on Tuesdays for HoP and Wednesday for Armchair, it was proving to be too much for me. I tried to just go as often as I could and then the less I went the more out of place I felt. I did it to myself. Nothing actually changed but my own opinion of myself. Having three days a week dedicated to something that is the opposite of your boyfriends views becomes difficult as well. Cory and I had the talk at the start of our relationship and we agreed to disagree. He fully supports me and was pushing me to continue going. He didn't want to be the reason I stopped anything I loved and that made me love him so much more. But it still was hard to balance the two seperate lives. There were plenty of nights that I told him 'no' to going to dinner with him or told him I couldn't just snuggle and watch movies because I wouldn't be home till late. Most the time I got home after he was asleep. I decided that Armchair was something that I loved and helped me learn so much about my religion and my own views but I wasn't feeling too 'ready' for it. I didn't feel like I had the knowledge to help anyone else in that group. I expressed my view to everyone nad they all told me I was being silly and they love having me there but I haven't gone since June. I would love to go again this winter. I would love to bring that peaceful feeling back to myself. House of Paine is still there. I don't go as often. It's more like once or twice a month. It still feels like my safe spot. I still love to go sit outside and listen to what is going on in everyones lives. I still find the Paines hospitality to be beautiful and inspirational. I wish I could do more to help them. I wish I could get off early enough on Tuesdays to cook dinner for everyone. I wish I would dedicate more of my time and energy into helping this amazing family because it would help me so much. I know that commuinty will continue to thrive and will always be there for me. I did forge life-long friends there. Even if I don't speak to them daily or often. Even if I don't hangout with them. They will still be apart of my life for a long time to come. They are the type of people that will always have a shoulder for you. I still push myself to get to church every Sunday but it comes out more like every other. I blame it on the summer. It's hard when so much is going on. Now it's football season and even harder but I'm doing better about getting there. I love this church. I tell everyone I know about this church. I try to take anyone that will come with me. I'm not pushy about it. I'm just very passionate about it. I think if more people heard Pastor Matt and his sermons, the world may think a little different about 'religion'. Christina and I haven't lived together since about May. She moved out. She needed a change in her life and it was sucking us both dry. I never even stayed there more than 6 times I think. I eneded up doing what I do best. I jumped head first into another relationship. We actually did just have a few casual hang outs and dates but then a month later we became exclusive and I stayed at his house every night until he moved in with me 4 months later. It was fast. It was sudden. But it seems to be working for us. We are at the 6 month itch and doing awesome. We do our own things often and have been having a blast together. I'm still staying pretty sober. I drink maybe two or three times a month and never really more than 2 or 3 beers. If it wasn't for HoP and Armchair and Mosaic, I don't know where I would be. Probably drunk and stupid and living with the wrong boy.

A look into the past...

This was the last blog I wrote on MySpace. It meant quite a bit to me and still does. Tomorrow or tonight I am going to do a follow up on this blog. To sort of show where my life is now with this community and how much the past 8-9 months of being a part of this has shaped me. I've been meaning to touch on this for sometime now nad my Aunty Linda happened to give me a little reminder through her blog post today.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My new found community Current mood: confident So... update on my life I suppose. I just read thru all my old posts and decided some is still true to this day but I have found ways to cope thru it all so much better that I don't even notice any of it anymore. It becomes a way of life. I have found an amazing core group of friends that i feel will be a part of my life for a long time to come. I'm so unbelievably grateful that I was lucky enough to find them. I met this amazing guy named Gavin at the Diamond Knot and he and I began to hang out. He's Christian and we began to talk about our views on the church and spirituality. Unfortunately I was burned bad by an old church and I gave up on organized religion. I went to this thing called Arm Chair with him after about a month of hangin out. He had been inviting me to this and church for sometime and I figured I would give it Arm Chair a go not knowing what to expect but assuming it would be "safer" than church. All I knew was that it was a group of people that meet up at a diner to discuss how to have your spiritual life relate to your "regular" life. A way to have the scripture broken down into a relative way. When I left Arm Chair that first night I still didn't know what to expect. As it worked out that happened to be an off night. More just a gathering of people hanging out with no exact topic. I decided to be consistent and to continue going to this Arm Chair thing so I can get a better idea of it. I went again the next week and was blown away by how intelligent and open these people were. I decided to go ahead and give church a shot. So the Sunday I decide to start going I was running late and almost was going to say nevermind who cares right? Well I got my butt going and raced to where this church is. I get there after it had started and felt a little silly for being there. I sit there listening to Pastor Matt and couldn't believe how unlike this place was to any church I have ever been to. I think to myself, wow! I've been missing out on this for 6 years? How could I have been robbing myself of this and why was I so scared to do this again? After church I decide that I found something truly unique and special and that I will not let myself be robbed of this anymore. I then decide to try this House of Paine Gavin has been telling me about. Once again... I fall in love. This Tuesday ritual that I have been invited to is one of the most amazing things I have ever been a part of. I sat there that first night and just looked around with amazement. I felt right at home, like I was at a family Christmas party but with out all that family "drama". I sat there silently drinking my 6th or 7th coffee, smoking a cigarette, listening to music on the back porch and was debating if I was about to tear up due to the insane amount of black coffee coursing thru my veins or because of where I was sitting and who I was surrounded by. I decided it was the latter. I now make it a point to be at H.O.P. every Tuesday, Arm Chair every Wednesday and church every Sunday. I started bringing my girlfriend Christina with me and she is blown away by all of this love too. We have found a group of young minds that are more giving, more intelligent, more open about God than we ever thought was possible. Some how God has brought us all together from so many different walks of life to help guide each other. The begining of a new type of community has been started. And because I decided to to step out of my comfort zone, I have found this community which has helped Christina and myself so much already and it's only been a month or so. These meetings have brought me a new sense of peace. Before HOP or Arm Chair or even church, I knew what drink specials were at what bars everyday of the week. You wanted to know where to go to get drunk the cheapest, I was your girl. I made a point to go out every night and never sit at home. I made a point to drown away any loneliness or sadness I felt. The only problem with that is I watched my life slip from my grasp. I lost my job. I lost my boyfriend. I lost my money. I lost my self respect. I would go have so much fun and then I would get home around 3 am and wonder why I was so sad. How, after a night of laughing with friends, could I be so lonely? So miserable? Because there was no substance to me. I was a shell of a person. I ran on empty and went thru motions of familiarity. I didn't care about anything except what would keep me busiest the longest. Anything to keep the distraction going so I didn't need to face reality. Now I face those demons and realize they aren't very powerful. I'm better than that. I'm just as amazing and fun when sober. I am not alone. I do not need to feed my need for attention in negative ways. I can be me and do anything. I can go sit alone at a cafe and read. I can find my own way with out a man. So now my week is very busy. I go to HOP on Tuesday, Arm Chair on Wednesday, Bowling on Thursday, Friday, Saturday are wide open and Sunday I have church. I love my life like this. I love where I am and know I still have much more work to do to build myself into what I strive but I'm on my way. I just moved in with Christina. We both know this will be a true test on our friendship but are willing to try. We lean on each other when it gets hard and we push each other to get out there and be ourselves. It's going to be tough at times, we are going to get upset and feel smothered, we are going to feel ignored at some point, we are going to argue over who's turn it is to do the dishes but it's life. I would prefer to go through my life with her by my side then to not. My life has taken an amazing turn of events and I can't wait to see what else is in store for me. I'm currently t aking a break from relationships because I happen to jump in head first and would like time to get to know someone first. I'm right now very happy with that part as well. I have found a few great friends because of this and I look forward to seeing where those go as well. One in particular has made me so unbelievably happy so far and am so excited to have him in my life. Well that's it. My life laid out for you. I know it's a lot to take in. Thank you for reading. Love to you all!

Skydiving!!!!

Wowsers! It's weird... Everyday I think that I should do a post. Every single day I have something I want to say. But then I get sucked into reading all my other favorite blogs and slackin' off in general. So I suppose this will just be a blabbering post about a few things you have all missed out on. You all, meaning the two of you that follow me! hehe. So... On the 6th I had a birthday surprise for Cory. We were to go jump out of a perfectly good airplane while attached by four clips to another guy that has the parachute. It rained. It rained and rained and rained. I mean, it soaked us to the core while walking from the truck to the Buzz Inn for lunch. A good 50 foot walk. Thank you Washington rain gods for bestowing on me an opportunity to NOT jump out of a plane! Our jump was canceled and i rejoiced! Then I became very pissed off and sad that Cory wasn't going to get his birthday present on his birthday weekend. So instead, we had his mom, dad, brother, and sister-in-law-almost, and my mom come join us for breakfast. Afterwards we all, minus my mom, went back to our house and played card games, watched TV and just relaxed.

And did lots of puppy snuggling! (that's a rope toy on the carpet, not a pee stain) We had a great time laughing and telling stories and NOT jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. Fast forward a week. It's a Sunday and we have the Seahawks season opener game against the Rams at 1pm. We also have our jump rescheduled. Yep. I didn't get to get off the hook. Turned out to be an amazing day with perfect weather and clear blue skies! Once we got to the jump spot I wasn't as nervous as I was expecting to be. I think a lot of that had to do with Cory being so chill about it. We filled out our paperwork to sign our life away and promise not to sue if we die. I refused to read the warnings... I just initialed it all. We watched the video and went outside to practice the position for free-falling and the landing. Then they gave the order of who will jump in the first load and surprise, surprise we were on it! I had enough time to empty my bladder and suit up and nothing else. No last smoke or time to freak out.

We loaded up and were taking off before the door was even down.

It was an amazing flight with spectacular views and everyone is joking and laughing to keep their minds off jumping. Next thing I know the door was rolled up and we were sitting on the edge at about 14,500ft and going about 100mph. I was literally dangling out the plane while my partner was sitting inside. we rocked three times and then were out! I can not describe the feeling. It was spectacular. We were spinning and flipping and dancing in the sky. Just flying without a care in the world at about 130 mph. I loved every second about it. When the chute opened, I got to steer and do circles and loops and dives and stops and have a ball.

Snohomish is gorgeous from way up there... just gorgeous. We came in for our landing fast and hot and smiling. Cory was right behind me so I got to turn around and see him land too. We jumped up and gave each other a huge kiss and a big I LOVE YOU!! Fantastic! Afterwards we had lunch with Cory's parents and talked about the urge to get right back up and maybe even become certified... Oh I want it so bad! Then headed home to change and go to the Seahawk game where we won, of course! The view of the skyline was just gorgeous and a perfect end to a perfect day. All in all, it turned out to be a very exciting day. All our energy was zapped from us and we slept wonderfully while dreaming about dangling out of perfectly good airplanes.

The difference between man 30 and woman 30.

So.... Today is my boo bear's birthday! He is turning 30. Thirty years old. Three decades old. No longer in the 20's but not quite in mid-life crisis phase. 3-0.

It's odd. I don't know how to feel about this.

Of course I am very happy and excited because it gives me an excuse to shower him with love and gifts. Which makes me look like a great girlfriend, right? I mean, that is the point of giving gifts. To show off how much better your are than any other past gf's gifts? No? That's just me huh? Oh well! I'm OK with that because my gifts are Stellar!!!! Anyways... back on track.

So he's turning 30. Thirty to me is when you start to settle down. Thirty to me is when you look at your life and realize you don't have too much time left before you are 40. And once you turn 40 you are at the top of the hill right? So, essentially, you need to get a lot done in your 30's.

For example, buy a house. You are now officially an adult. You can no longer milk the whole 'I'm still in my 20's and can slack off' excuse. Time to grow up. Time to do the adult thing and buy a house. And once you have a house you start nesting right? So time to get married? Have babies before the girl's fertility starts going down hill? OH SHIT!

These are the things that go thru a girls mind when she is turning 30. Oh shit... My eggs! My eggs!!!

But a guy? Oh man how I hope to hell that the only thing going thru his head as he turns 30 today is whether or not he gets free drinks at the show tonight.

I can deal with him wanting to buy a house. Go for it babe. Good move. But kids? So so so not in our future anytime soon. I still have 7 years before I hit the 30 mark and need to start using those damn eggs!

You want Kids honey? Go buy a hot rod and make it a two seater and we'll call that our baby. Just make sure I get my name and a little crown sown into my seat or a decal on my window.

I'm just thankful we are on the same page when it comes to this. I'm not concerned. We got it all figured out, or so we hope. We still got 7 years before that wretched sound of a screaming 3 month old starts to sound appealing and not appalling. We still have 7 years of spoiling each other and doing whatever we want when we want before I get bit by that nasty little baby bug.

Don't get me wrong, I love the things (babies). But only when I can give it back after 20 minutes. Just don't have that motherly instinct or patience, yet. I think it will be one of those things I never get until it's a necessity.

So for now... I'm going to enjoy my old man. He's 30 today. He's 30 and looking better than ever! He gets closer to my perfection everyday. Or my perfection keeps morphing to what and who he is. Either way, I'm content with our life together and oh so happy we don't have to deal with any of those pesky "adult" issues quite yet.

So in honor of my insanely gorgeous, sexy, wonderful, funny, perfect little ass man, Boo Bear, I would like everyone... so that's all 3 of you reading this, to have a drink for him tonight. Cheers to his mother for creating this awesome creature 30 years ago today!

Happy Birthday Boo Bear and I love you!

(now go buy me a damn hot rod!)

A blessed life...

We all have one. We really do. I promise. It just all depends on how many layers of shit you are willing to tredge thru in order to get to it. Like a pearl I suppose. How many years of pressure can you allow yourself to take? Is it easier to let that pressure pull you down inside of yourselves until your outer shell cracks and can never produce anything of beauty and you are left, jagged and broken on a shore somewhere. The softest parts of you exposed to a too harsh world? Or is it easier to buck up. Grow those protective barnacles and realize that today is just a day. A wave is just a wave. Nothing more, nothing less. It will still pick you up and tumble you around. Just somedays it may be softer, playful tumbles. Otherdays it may feel like you are being pounded into the ground with tons of sand being piled on top of you. That sand may trap you. Then all you want in the world is a different wave to come shake that sand off and pick you up to playfully toss you around again. But no matter what it's up to us, not that wave or that day, on whether we allow ourselves to become buried and entombed in our troubles. It's how the world works. Somethings may feel like the hardest thing you will ever have to go thru. And it very well might end up being true. But another day will always come. Another day will bring you new challenges. Another day will bring you fresh smiles. Another day will allow your heart to heal. This year has been a very hard year for quite a bit of my stash of friends and family. it seems that the majority of us have had a significant loss this year. Whether it was a job, the loss of a relationship, the death of a parent, a brother, a son, a husband. The loss of friendships. The loss of comfort. We all seemed to expereince it a little every day. Sometimes it traps us down and makes us turn to things to mask the truth. Sometimes it makes us more brutally honest. No matter what though.... A new day will come tomorrow. We will have another day to prove ourselves. Another day to learn from what we lost. I don't know if it's easier to allow yourself to break or to never allow those cracks. I think we all need a good balance of the two. We need to let ourselves be a bit vulnerable sometimes, but we need to know when that tough shell will come in handy. I ramble to all hell in this and used one of the silliest analogies so thanks for bearing with me. I'll go into why I felt the need for this post in the next few days. For now though, just know someone is always there to help you if you ask. Someone will always offer you a joke when you need one and a shoulder to cry on. That is one of the many ways we are all so blessed.

My brother Brandon

Today is my brother Brandon's birthday. He is turning 28 years old today! He's a pretty awesome guy if I do say so myself. He has been there for me through it all. Thru my first boyfriend, my first cigarette, my first beer, my first lie, he knows it all.

The first time I ever lied, I was around 3, I had wet my pants and my mom asked me if I peed in my pants. I looked her straight in the face and said "NO! Brandon did!" From that point on I used Brandon as my scapegoat for almost everything. It doesn't work so well anymore.

I remember Brandon used to let me hang out at parties he would throw at the house as long as I would clean it all up the next day so mom would never know. I always thought he was being so cool to let me party with the older kids but in reality he just didn't want me to blow his cover to mom.

Before he had his license he would steal our old Cadillac to take it to the driving range or to Taco Bell. He would let me go with as long as I promised not to tell on him. I loved it. I felt like a rebel. Once he started dating Stephanie, his now wife, I was allowed to hang out a lot more. Steph and her friends were always good sports and would let me tag a long to almost everything they would do. His friends were like older brothers and sisters to me. They always looked out for me and still do. If I showed up at a party, they would always make sure nothing bad would happen to me and include me in on everything. I rarely was treated like the baby sister.

As we got older we started doing our own things. Brandon moved out and got an apartment with Stephanie. I moved in with my boyfriend, Adam. We still hung out every once in a while but not nearly as often. He turned 21 and started going to bars and I was still a little high school kid. I broke up with Adam at the end of my Junior year and needed somewhere to live. Brandon and Stephanie where living in a 3 bedroom duplex with Brandon's best friend, Seth. Being the great bro he is, he cleaned out half of the 3rd bedroom and put up a shower curtain to divide the rooms and let me live with them.

My room was half the boys office/game room and half 17 year old high school girl. I was living with them right when they started planning their wedding and it was a blast. I loved living with my brother. After I graduated I moved out and down to Cali for a few months and then back home. This time I lived with Austin but I still stayed at Bran's most of the time. He had a baby girl, Mikayla, and I would help watch her when I could.

Brandon has always been there when I've really needed it. When I got in some serious trouble on a school trip my freshman year he was the one I called. When I got in my first car accident and needed a guardian to release me from care, he is who I called. When I lost my "v-card", he was the one I told. When I found out I might not graduate, Bran and Steph were the ones that lit a fire under my ass. When I snuck out the first time and didn't come home till 5am, he was the one out checking the ditches and looking for me.

My brother Brandon is one of the best guys I know. He is the only guy I know will make me laugh every 3 minutes or so. He is right up there next to my pops when it comes to people I want to be proud of me. He may not be as sensitive as Austin and he may make fun of me until I cry every time I see him, but he is still the rock in my life. Thank you for being my brother Brandon. Thank you for always being you and always being there for me. You are an awesome brother, a great son, and an amazing father! I love you!

My jobs and the stigmas that go with them

So I work at a Harley-Davidson shop and currently I am in charge of the Evo Espresso bar. It doesn't sound very glamorous and it really isn't. In the bike industry you are either part of the sales team and know your product, or you are the receptionist, office chick, or Espresso girl. If you are part of the "team" you get much more respect. People think you have knowledge about the products, the bikes, the best roads to ride on. They believe you must ride yourself and they seem to like you a whole lot more. But, when you are just the Espresso girl, receptionist and so on, you suddenly turn into "the cute girl". The girl that knows nothing about bikes. The girl that is only here in between quarters at college. You must be in college to perform these jobs. Somehow it's unthinkable for you to WANT to be a barista if you aren't in school. It's the lowest spot on the totem pole.

Now I used to work in a different dealership. I worked at Lynnwood Cycle Barn's now defunct metric location. I worked there for 2 years. I was NOT the receptionist or barista except for when the position needed to be covered. I have been an enthusiast for this industry for years. I worked in Motorclothes. Which still had its stigmas. Such as: You were just there for eye candy. You were the Motorhoes. You couldn't possibly know that the helmet is too small or too big or that certain chemicals will eat away at the strip on the bottom of Arai helmets. You can't possibly understand what gear is the most protective and comfortable to ride in. I had many guys tell me that they would prefer a guy to tell them everything I just told them. You couldn't really know how each helmet is made and the process that goes into it. There was no way in hell you knew how the cow hide was treated to get the right thickness and softness. So on and so on. You couldn't possibly be able to see a guy on a bike ride past and tell you the specs on everything he was wearing."

But you got more respect from the men then the "dumbo bimbos" that work in the cafe and front counter. It's just how it worked. While at Cycle Barn I stepped away from Motorclothes because of all the girl drama. It was starting to be a huge cat fight everyday and I needed to work with the boys.

 So I started working in shipping & receiving. I touched every part that came into that store. I knew the computer program better than half the people on the floor. I was throwin' tires and slingin' lube day in and day out. I was forklift certified. I knew every part that went into a Honda 50cc motor and knew what a petcock was. I loved my job. I got more respect for my job. I was GOOD at my job.

I'm also an amazing barista. The Cafe de Barn was going down hill fast. My boss in shipping was the boss of the cafe. I soon took that over. I did the orders and trained the girls. I advised him on who to fire and who to keep. I was the manager of the cafe and I did that while working in the back. I loved it. So I got to do the two things I love. Make coffee and stay in the back AND be in the industry I love! What more can a girl ask for?

A lot more it turns out. I worked there for 2 years and received one $1 raise. It was bullshit. I worked harder than the majority of people there. My product was out to the floor before you could even take a 2nd break. I covered every department that needed me while still completing my own job tasks. My boss could go on 3 week vacations and know that everything would be getting done. I turned a cafe with a $6k deficit into at least coming out even. I was a huge asset to that company.

 But no matter how much my boss fought for me to get a raise, they refused. So I made the decision to quit. That decision was one of the hardest.

I started working in a cubicle as a customer service rep at a collection agency and I hated it. Yes I was getting paid $3 more an hour, but I hated my job. Try telling someone that you work for a collection agency and see the response you get. People hate collectors like they hate lawyers. You never want to hear from either of them. I had to tell people that asked where I worked not to worry, that I wasn't an actual collector. I had to wear dress shoes and business attire. I had to file for hours on end. I was on the phone with retarded clients that didn't know what was going on. I had to baby the collectors because they didn't know how to do their job. I hated it.

I eventually got fired from that job.

 A month later I called a few of my reps from when I worked at Cycle Barn. I was still in contact with them and saw them at every bike event. I asked them to keep their eyes open because I wanted back into the bike game. I needed to be back.

I got an interview at Eastside Harley and it was all over from there. They were going to put me in motorclothes but needed someone to start the espresso bar back up. So they stuck me in there against their will. They tried to tell me I was too qualified to work there. They thought the same about motorclothes. I had to tell them I wouldn't be interviewing unless I wanted to be there. I have managed to turn profit in the cafe and have made it successful.

I'm just the barista but that's OK.

The boss men know I'm more than that and they got plans for me. Don't judge me and think I can't do anything more than make coffee. I can do it all. And I will. In the next few months I'll be scaling down the cafe and start doing inventory control. I will be in charge of redoing the entire way motorclothes keeps their products. I will re-organize storage and show them a better way to track progress. After that, who knows where I will be. They may put me back into the cafe. They may keep me in motorclothes. Heck, I might be the receptionist but as I'm sitting at these positions, listening to everyone's spiel on how I should want more out of my life, I'll be the one smiling. I know I'm where I'm happy and I know I have big plans in my future.

This dealership has come into my life when I needed it most. The people here are outstanding and I met a guy. The guy. I met Cory. My life has gone from a crazy, hectic, alcholic spiral into a stable, healthy, happy line. But we'll save that for another post.

Just remember, that girl that works at your coffee stand, she probably has a whole lot more going on than you think. Maybe she's in college, a lot of them are. But maybe she owns that stand and four more down the road. Maybe she works there to supplement her own t-shirt line. Maybe she just loves making coffee and does it well enough to support her life. Same with those receptionists. Drop those stigmas and remember we don't know what these girls do when they get home. We don't know if they are stoked on that job and are right where they want to be in life. Suppose it comes down to don't judge a chick by her profession. I still feel silly telling people I work in the cafe. I still feel like I need to justify it. Like I need to prove I came for the bikes, not the coffee. But I'm getting better at being proud of where I am. It's the best damn place I've been in my entire life.

The people and pets I live with

Let's see..... Hmm.... Where to start.... I'm living in Mukilteo, well, Everett if you want to be precise. I live with my boyfriend Cory; my brother Austin; and Cory's friend, JJ. It's still very new and we are all still learning each others quirks and pet peeves. We have a fish that my niece, Mikayla, named Pretzel, much to Cory's dismay. He thinks it's a silly name since it looks nothing like a pretzel but it has stuck so that's his name. Prezel is pretty bad ass... You can shake his food at the tank and he'll come swimming right up. Or if you are just chillin in the kitchen he'll swim up and watch everything you do. We just got a little puppy and his name is Wheeler. I tried to tell him he looks nothing like a Wheeler but than the damn dog had to go climb all over everything as if to tell me he may not look the part but he can act the part. Wheeler was a rescue puppy and has had a tough little life for the first 8 weeks. His momma and all his litter mates were dropped off at the main intersection in Granite Falls, WA. All of his brothers and sisters and momma died. One sister and Wheeler were caught but the sister had been hit and had massive injuries to the neck and back and so she was euthanized. Wheeler was the sole survivor. The lady that caught him had rehomed him to a family with 2 little kids who named him Cody and that lasted for about a day until the landlord saw him and knew he would be more than 30lbs. So they took 'Cody' back to the person they got him from. Luckily for me, I was searching Craigslist daily for a puppy that fit Cory's requirements. I showed him a pic of Wheeler and we went to go see him that night. He was the sweetest dog in the world and very smart. We put him in the bed of the truck to let him wander around while we talked to the chicka that was rehoming him. He was very good and just kinda did his own thing but came when you called him and didn't seem skiddish of anything driving past on the highway. Huge trucks and little race cars didn't even make him perk his big ol' ears up but then it happened. A Harley rode by and all of a sudden His ears were up and he was trying to look over the side to see it. We thought it was a fluke then a second one went by and the same thing happened. Cory looks straight at me and then at the lady and said he's a keeper, he likes Harleys. Wheeler is pretty well adjusted and has already been on a few little weekend trips with us and listens very well. He is just about fully potty trained already at a 9 weeks! He can sit and stay. He knows NO very well. He doesn't chew on anything yet but I'm sure that will change pretty soon. Altogether a good looking puppy and super chill. We lucked out on this one! So onto the people.... Let's start with Austin. Austin is my older, but not oldest, brother. He has been living with me since about May and so far so good. He's kinda a hermit and doesn't really socialize with any of us but that's the way he likes it so who am I to force him out of his little dungeon. We have always been pretty close and he is the sweetest guy I have ever known. The last time we lived together was right after I graduated high school and moved back home from my little stint in Cali. It was interesting back then. We were dirt poor and living off of canned potatoes and food people would clear out of the pantry to give us. We shopped at the Grocery Outlet and barely ever had money for gas. We were sharing a car and tryin to make it work. I think I was making about $7.58 and hour working at Albertson's. Anyways.... He is an awesome roomie; doesn't make messes, pays the bills on time and even babysits Wheeler! I love my brother! JJ has been my boyfriends friend since they were wee little tots. I don't know too much about him but I know he has a solid head about him and happens to be a big lover. I can always count on JJ for comedic relief. I think it weirds him out to live with a couple and I think he feels awkward sometimes but it works. He loves to cook so it's lots of fun for me because we kinda take turns and learn from each other. I would have to say he is a pretty solid guy. I joke with Cory all the time about how JJ is totally my #2 and if me and him don't work at least I can fall back on JJ. Cory doesn't think it's very funny though. Hehehe I'm not going to go into Cory right now. I could write abook about him. Just know that he is amazing and you'll learn lots about him... Well, not too much because he would probably kick my booty for writing a blog about him. He likes to stay private. But I'm an open book! So I need to find a good balance before I start in on him. So long for now!

The first of many!

Well I suppose I should start with a hello to all of you out there in the cyber world and let you know what the point of this blog is for. I really don't know what this will morph into. It may become about my cooking and how I wish I could be Ree (www.thepioneerwoman.com) and whether the newest recipe turned out well. I may post my favorite recipes or I might be extremely selfish and not share my secrets. It may become a bitching post for all the things that irritate me. Whether it's about my amazing boyfriend, my growing puppy, the fact that I live with 3 men and everything that entails. Or maybe the irritating customers from my job or that asshole that cut me off in traffic this morning. It may become about my quest to get into culinary school. I'm wanting to apply at the Art Institute of Seattle for my Bachelor of Science in Culinary Management. If I get in this might never be updated or if it is, it might teach you all the terms I'm learning. I really don't know where I'll go at all with this but I think that's the fun part. It's free for me to do whatever I please. To talk about my childhood, my adulthood, my goals and dreams. To discuss important topics like Harleys vs Triumphs and Tundra vs Tacoma and Waterproof Mascara vs Non-Waterproof and God vs the World. Stick around. It should be an interesting ride.