This was the last blog I wrote on MySpace. It meant quite a bit to me and still does. Tomorrow or tonight I am going to do a follow up on this blog. To sort of show where my life is now with this community and how much the past 8-9 months of being a part of this has shaped me. I've been meaning to touch on this for sometime now nad my Aunty Linda happened to give me a little reminder through her blog post today.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Current mood: confident
So... update on my life I suppose. I just read thru all my old posts and decided some is still true to this day but I have found ways to cope thru it all so much better that I don't even notice any of it anymore. It becomes a way of life. I have found an amazing core group of friends that i feel will be a part of my life for a long time to come. I'm so unbelievably grateful that I was lucky enough to find them. I met this amazing guy named Gavin at the Diamond Knot and he and I began to hang out. He's Christian and we began to talk about our views on the church and spirituality. Unfortunately I was burned bad by an old church and I gave up on organized religion. I went to this thing called Arm Chair with him after about a month of hangin out. He had been inviting me to this and church for sometime and I figured I would give it Arm Chair a go not knowing what to expect but assuming it would be "safer" than church. All I knew was that it was a group of people that meet up at a diner to discuss how to have your spiritual life relate to your "regular" life. A way to have the scripture broken down into a relative way. When I left Arm Chair that first night I still didn't know what to expect. As it worked out that happened to be an off night. More just a gathering of people hanging out with no exact topic. I decided to be consistent and to continue going to this Arm Chair thing so I can get a better idea of it. I went again the next week and was blown away by how intelligent and open these people were. I decided to go ahead and give church a shot. So the Sunday I decide to start going I was running late and almost was going to say nevermind who cares right? Well I got my butt going and raced to where this church is. I get there after it had started and felt a little silly for being there. I sit there listening to Pastor Matt and couldn't believe how unlike this place was to any church I have ever been to. I think to myself, wow! I've been missing out on this for 6 years? How could I have been robbing myself of this and why was I so scared to do this again? After church I decide that I found something truly unique and special and that I will not let myself be robbed of this anymore. I then decide to try this House of Paine Gavin has been telling me about. Once again... I fall in love. This Tuesday ritual that I have been invited to is one of the most amazing things I have ever been a part of. I sat there that first night and just looked around with amazement. I felt right at home, like I was at a family Christmas party but with out all that family "drama". I sat there silently drinking my 6th or 7th coffee, smoking a cigarette, listening to music on the back porch and was debating if I was about to tear up due to the insane amount of black coffee coursing thru my veins or because of where I was sitting and who I was surrounded by. I decided it was the latter. I now make it a point to be at H.O.P. every Tuesday, Arm Chair every Wednesday and church every Sunday. I started bringing my girlfriend Christina with me and she is blown away by all of this love too. We have found a group of young minds that are more giving, more intelligent, more open about God than we ever thought was possible. Some how God has brought us all together from so many different walks of life to help guide each other. The begining of a new type of community has been started. And because I decided to to step out of my comfort zone, I have found this community which has helped Christina and myself so much already and it's only been a month or so. These meetings have brought me a new sense of peace. Before HOP or Arm Chair or even church, I knew what drink specials were at what bars everyday of the week. You wanted to know where to go to get drunk the cheapest, I was your girl. I made a point to go out every night and never sit at home. I made a point to drown away any loneliness or sadness I felt. The only problem with that is I watched my life slip from my grasp. I lost my job. I lost my boyfriend. I lost my money. I lost my self respect. I would go have so much fun and then I would get home around 3 am and wonder why I was so sad. How, after a night of laughing with friends, could I be so lonely? So miserable? Because there was no substance to me. I was a shell of a person. I ran on empty and went thru motions of familiarity. I didn't care about anything except what would keep me busiest the longest. Anything to keep the distraction going so I didn't need to face reality. Now I face those demons and realize they aren't very powerful. I'm better than that. I'm just as amazing and fun when sober. I am not alone. I do not need to feed my need for attention in negative ways. I can be me and do anything. I can go sit alone at a cafe and read. I can find my own way with out a man. So now my week is very busy. I go to HOP on Tuesday, Arm Chair on Wednesday, Bowling on Thursday, Friday, Saturday are wide open and Sunday I have church. I love my life like this. I love where I am and know I still have much more work to do to build myself into what I strive but I'm on my way. I just moved in with Christina. We both know this will be a true test on our friendship but are willing to try. We lean on each other when it gets hard and we push each other to get out there and be ourselves. It's going to be tough at times, we are going to get upset and feel smothered, we are going to feel ignored at some point, we are going to argue over who's turn it is to do the dishes but it's life. I would prefer to go through my life with her by my side then to not. My life has taken an amazing turn of events and I can't wait to see what else is in store for me. I'm currently t aking a break from relationships because I happen to jump in head first and would like time to get to know someone first. I'm right now very happy with that part as well. I have found a few great friends because of this and I look forward to seeing where those go as well. One in particular has made me so unbelievably happy so far and am so excited to have him in my life. Well that's it. My life laid out for you. I know it's a lot to take in. Thank you for reading. Love to you all!