Saturday, September 26, 2009
An update to "the Re-post" (last entry)
If you haven't read the post before this, than you should. It's a post that I have reread multiple times a month since I wrote it. It makes me happy. It makes me feel full and complete and snuggly warm. It's like my favorite blanket. I happened to write that post right after I got my new job at Harley and RIGHT before Cory and I became a couple. I am sad to say that I haven't kept to my plan of going to HoP and Armchair weekly. I have even backslided on church. I suppose you could say 'life' got in the way. So much of that post is no longer true but at the same time it is still something that stays in my heart and thoughts daily. Christina quit going to everything almost immediately after that post. She told me that it just didn't feel right to her. She had a lot on her plate of life at that time and instead of embracing a community that would have been there for her to help her she decided it wasn't for her and to find her own 'thing'. I didn't really understand any of her thinking on this and became a bit bitter about it. We eventually had a big falling out over other things and are no longer part of each others life. We haven't been since May. It was something that was very hard on me and for me. I still don't understand her way of thinking and why it all had to dissolve for us but I reached out to her yesterday. I found out she is doing ok and she will let me know when she is ready to get together again and catch up. Without her there to help hold me accountable, I started to wean off of Armchair. With working in Bellevue and getting home at about 7pm then heading straight to Marysville till 11pm on Tuesdays for HoP and Wednesday for Armchair, it was proving to be too much for me. I tried to just go as often as I could and then the less I went the more out of place I felt. I did it to myself. Nothing actually changed but my own opinion of myself. Having three days a week dedicated to something that is the opposite of your boyfriends views becomes difficult as well. Cory and I had the talk at the start of our relationship and we agreed to disagree. He fully supports me and was pushing me to continue going. He didn't want to be the reason I stopped anything I loved and that made me love him so much more. But it still was hard to balance the two seperate lives. There were plenty of nights that I told him 'no' to going to dinner with him or told him I couldn't just snuggle and watch movies because I wouldn't be home till late. Most the time I got home after he was asleep. I decided that Armchair was something that I loved and helped me learn so much about my religion and my own views but I wasn't feeling too 'ready' for it. I didn't feel like I had the knowledge to help anyone else in that group. I expressed my view to everyone nad they all told me I was being silly and they love having me there but I haven't gone since June. I would love to go again this winter. I would love to bring that peaceful feeling back to myself. House of Paine is still there. I don't go as often. It's more like once or twice a month. It still feels like my safe spot. I still love to go sit outside and listen to what is going on in everyones lives. I still find the Paines hospitality to be beautiful and inspirational. I wish I could do more to help them. I wish I could get off early enough on Tuesdays to cook dinner for everyone. I wish I would dedicate more of my time and energy into helping this amazing family because it would help me so much. I know that commuinty will continue to thrive and will always be there for me. I did forge life-long friends there. Even if I don't speak to them daily or often. Even if I don't hangout with them. They will still be apart of my life for a long time to come. They are the type of people that will always have a shoulder for you. I still push myself to get to church every Sunday but it comes out more like every other. I blame it on the summer. It's hard when so much is going on. Now it's football season and even harder but I'm doing better about getting there. I love this church. I tell everyone I know about this church. I try to take anyone that will come with me. I'm not pushy about it. I'm just very passionate about it. I think if more people heard Pastor Matt and his sermons, the world may think a little different about 'religion'. Christina and I haven't lived together since about May. She moved out. She needed a change in her life and it was sucking us both dry. I never even stayed there more than 6 times I think. I eneded up doing what I do best. I jumped head first into another relationship. We actually did just have a few casual hang outs and dates but then a month later we became exclusive and I stayed at his house every night until he moved in with me 4 months later. It was fast. It was sudden. But it seems to be working for us. We are at the 6 month itch and doing awesome. We do our own things often and have been having a blast together. I'm still staying pretty sober. I drink maybe two or three times a month and never really more than 2 or 3 beers. If it wasn't for HoP and Armchair and Mosaic, I don't know where I would be. Probably drunk and stupid and living with the wrong boy.