Ah... LOVE!

As most of you know, I carpool to work with my BF. We live together. We drive to work together, have lunch together, drive home together, brush our teeth together. We are always together. I normally find this to be very stifling. I can't stand always being around the same person for too long. I get cranky and impatient and bitchy. It's similar to having cabin-fever for me. But I never feel this way with BF. I get cranky and frusterated and anxious quite a bit, but never due to being around him too long. It's normally because I need to eat or get out of the house or bake something. No one understands how we can do it. Well this is how:

• We don't talk much at work.
• We don't talk on the way to work.
• We eat our lunch together and will have a smoke break once or twice during the day.
• We laugh and chit chat on the way home
• I cook dinner while he relaxes or vice-a-versa
• I normally go upstairs about an hour earlier than him to watch girly shows
• Oh yeah... and I am completely in love with him.

I realized I had found a new level to how much I love him yesterday.

We carpooled to work yesterday but, unfortunately for me, he had a meeting after work and so we ended up having to stay for an extra hour and a half.

Normally I would be pissed! The last thing I want to do on my 'Monday' is to have to stay at work until almost 8pm without getting paid! I happened to have my book with me so it wasn't too horrible.

I was sitting on a barstool back in the Parts area while all the parts guys were in their meeting over in the 'lounge' area. I could hear some of what they were talking about but really only their voices and not what they were actually saying.

So, here I am trying to read but I can't seem to focus! I can hear whenever my BF laughs or makes a comment on something and it was completely distracting!

I can't hear anything that is actually being discussed but I can hear him. I can hear his different inflictions and tones. I can mentally see his smile or his scowl.

This is how we do it. Because I adore the kid and can't seem to be pissed at him for very long.

I freakin' love this guy! I just had to get that off my chest. I feel better now.

An update to "the Re-post" (last entry)

If you haven't read the post before this, than you should. It's a post that I have reread multiple times a month since I wrote it. It makes me happy. It makes me feel full and complete and snuggly warm. It's like my favorite blanket. I happened to write that post right after I got my new job at Harley and RIGHT before Cory and I became a couple. I am sad to say that I haven't kept to my plan of going to HoP and Armchair weekly. I have even backslided on church. I suppose you could say 'life' got in the way. So much of that post is no longer true but at the same time it is still something that stays in my heart and thoughts daily. Christina quit going to everything almost immediately after that post. She told me that it just didn't feel right to her. She had a lot on her plate of life at that time and instead of embracing a community that would have been there for her to help her she decided it wasn't for her and to find her own 'thing'. I didn't really understand any of her thinking on this and became a bit bitter about it. We eventually had a big falling out over other things and are no longer part of each others life. We haven't been since May. It was something that was very hard on me and for me. I still don't understand her way of thinking and why it all had to dissolve for us but I reached out to her yesterday. I found out she is doing ok and she will let me know when she is ready to get together again and catch up. Without her there to help hold me accountable, I started to wean off of Armchair. With working in Bellevue and getting home at about 7pm then heading straight to Marysville till 11pm on Tuesdays for HoP and Wednesday for Armchair, it was proving to be too much for me. I tried to just go as often as I could and then the less I went the more out of place I felt. I did it to myself. Nothing actually changed but my own opinion of myself. Having three days a week dedicated to something that is the opposite of your boyfriends views becomes difficult as well. Cory and I had the talk at the start of our relationship and we agreed to disagree. He fully supports me and was pushing me to continue going. He didn't want to be the reason I stopped anything I loved and that made me love him so much more. But it still was hard to balance the two seperate lives. There were plenty of nights that I told him 'no' to going to dinner with him or told him I couldn't just snuggle and watch movies because I wouldn't be home till late. Most the time I got home after he was asleep. I decided that Armchair was something that I loved and helped me learn so much about my religion and my own views but I wasn't feeling too 'ready' for it. I didn't feel like I had the knowledge to help anyone else in that group. I expressed my view to everyone nad they all told me I was being silly and they love having me there but I haven't gone since June. I would love to go again this winter. I would love to bring that peaceful feeling back to myself. House of Paine is still there. I don't go as often. It's more like once or twice a month. It still feels like my safe spot. I still love to go sit outside and listen to what is going on in everyones lives. I still find the Paines hospitality to be beautiful and inspirational. I wish I could do more to help them. I wish I could get off early enough on Tuesdays to cook dinner for everyone. I wish I would dedicate more of my time and energy into helping this amazing family because it would help me so much. I know that commuinty will continue to thrive and will always be there for me. I did forge life-long friends there. Even if I don't speak to them daily or often. Even if I don't hangout with them. They will still be apart of my life for a long time to come. They are the type of people that will always have a shoulder for you. I still push myself to get to church every Sunday but it comes out more like every other. I blame it on the summer. It's hard when so much is going on. Now it's football season and even harder but I'm doing better about getting there. I love this church. I tell everyone I know about this church. I try to take anyone that will come with me. I'm not pushy about it. I'm just very passionate about it. I think if more people heard Pastor Matt and his sermons, the world may think a little different about 'religion'. Christina and I haven't lived together since about May. She moved out. She needed a change in her life and it was sucking us both dry. I never even stayed there more than 6 times I think. I eneded up doing what I do best. I jumped head first into another relationship. We actually did just have a few casual hang outs and dates but then a month later we became exclusive and I stayed at his house every night until he moved in with me 4 months later. It was fast. It was sudden. But it seems to be working for us. We are at the 6 month itch and doing awesome. We do our own things often and have been having a blast together. I'm still staying pretty sober. I drink maybe two or three times a month and never really more than 2 or 3 beers. If it wasn't for HoP and Armchair and Mosaic, I don't know where I would be. Probably drunk and stupid and living with the wrong boy.

A look into the past...

This was the last blog I wrote on MySpace. It meant quite a bit to me and still does. Tomorrow or tonight I am going to do a follow up on this blog. To sort of show where my life is now with this community and how much the past 8-9 months of being a part of this has shaped me. I've been meaning to touch on this for sometime now nad my Aunty Linda happened to give me a little reminder through her blog post today.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My new found community Current mood: confident So... update on my life I suppose. I just read thru all my old posts and decided some is still true to this day but I have found ways to cope thru it all so much better that I don't even notice any of it anymore. It becomes a way of life. I have found an amazing core group of friends that i feel will be a part of my life for a long time to come. I'm so unbelievably grateful that I was lucky enough to find them. I met this amazing guy named Gavin at the Diamond Knot and he and I began to hang out. He's Christian and we began to talk about our views on the church and spirituality. Unfortunately I was burned bad by an old church and I gave up on organized religion. I went to this thing called Arm Chair with him after about a month of hangin out. He had been inviting me to this and church for sometime and I figured I would give it Arm Chair a go not knowing what to expect but assuming it would be "safer" than church. All I knew was that it was a group of people that meet up at a diner to discuss how to have your spiritual life relate to your "regular" life. A way to have the scripture broken down into a relative way. When I left Arm Chair that first night I still didn't know what to expect. As it worked out that happened to be an off night. More just a gathering of people hanging out with no exact topic. I decided to be consistent and to continue going to this Arm Chair thing so I can get a better idea of it. I went again the next week and was blown away by how intelligent and open these people were. I decided to go ahead and give church a shot. So the Sunday I decide to start going I was running late and almost was going to say nevermind who cares right? Well I got my butt going and raced to where this church is. I get there after it had started and felt a little silly for being there. I sit there listening to Pastor Matt and couldn't believe how unlike this place was to any church I have ever been to. I think to myself, wow! I've been missing out on this for 6 years? How could I have been robbing myself of this and why was I so scared to do this again? After church I decide that I found something truly unique and special and that I will not let myself be robbed of this anymore. I then decide to try this House of Paine Gavin has been telling me about. Once again... I fall in love. This Tuesday ritual that I have been invited to is one of the most amazing things I have ever been a part of. I sat there that first night and just looked around with amazement. I felt right at home, like I was at a family Christmas party but with out all that family "drama". I sat there silently drinking my 6th or 7th coffee, smoking a cigarette, listening to music on the back porch and was debating if I was about to tear up due to the insane amount of black coffee coursing thru my veins or because of where I was sitting and who I was surrounded by. I decided it was the latter. I now make it a point to be at H.O.P. every Tuesday, Arm Chair every Wednesday and church every Sunday. I started bringing my girlfriend Christina with me and she is blown away by all of this love too. We have found a group of young minds that are more giving, more intelligent, more open about God than we ever thought was possible. Some how God has brought us all together from so many different walks of life to help guide each other. The begining of a new type of community has been started. And because I decided to to step out of my comfort zone, I have found this community which has helped Christina and myself so much already and it's only been a month or so. These meetings have brought me a new sense of peace. Before HOP or Arm Chair or even church, I knew what drink specials were at what bars everyday of the week. You wanted to know where to go to get drunk the cheapest, I was your girl. I made a point to go out every night and never sit at home. I made a point to drown away any loneliness or sadness I felt. The only problem with that is I watched my life slip from my grasp. I lost my job. I lost my boyfriend. I lost my money. I lost my self respect. I would go have so much fun and then I would get home around 3 am and wonder why I was so sad. How, after a night of laughing with friends, could I be so lonely? So miserable? Because there was no substance to me. I was a shell of a person. I ran on empty and went thru motions of familiarity. I didn't care about anything except what would keep me busiest the longest. Anything to keep the distraction going so I didn't need to face reality. Now I face those demons and realize they aren't very powerful. I'm better than that. I'm just as amazing and fun when sober. I am not alone. I do not need to feed my need for attention in negative ways. I can be me and do anything. I can go sit alone at a cafe and read. I can find my own way with out a man. So now my week is very busy. I go to HOP on Tuesday, Arm Chair on Wednesday, Bowling on Thursday, Friday, Saturday are wide open and Sunday I have church. I love my life like this. I love where I am and know I still have much more work to do to build myself into what I strive but I'm on my way. I just moved in with Christina. We both know this will be a true test on our friendship but are willing to try. We lean on each other when it gets hard and we push each other to get out there and be ourselves. It's going to be tough at times, we are going to get upset and feel smothered, we are going to feel ignored at some point, we are going to argue over who's turn it is to do the dishes but it's life. I would prefer to go through my life with her by my side then to not. My life has taken an amazing turn of events and I can't wait to see what else is in store for me. I'm currently t aking a break from relationships because I happen to jump in head first and would like time to get to know someone first. I'm right now very happy with that part as well. I have found a few great friends because of this and I look forward to seeing where those go as well. One in particular has made me so unbelievably happy so far and am so excited to have him in my life. Well that's it. My life laid out for you. I know it's a lot to take in. Thank you for reading. Love to you all!

Skydiving!!!!

Wowsers! It's weird... Everyday I think that I should do a post. Every single day I have something I want to say. But then I get sucked into reading all my other favorite blogs and slackin' off in general. So I suppose this will just be a blabbering post about a few things you have all missed out on. You all, meaning the two of you that follow me! hehe. So... On the 6th I had a birthday surprise for Cory. We were to go jump out of a perfectly good airplane while attached by four clips to another guy that has the parachute. It rained. It rained and rained and rained. I mean, it soaked us to the core while walking from the truck to the Buzz Inn for lunch. A good 50 foot walk. Thank you Washington rain gods for bestowing on me an opportunity to NOT jump out of a plane! Our jump was canceled and i rejoiced! Then I became very pissed off and sad that Cory wasn't going to get his birthday present on his birthday weekend. So instead, we had his mom, dad, brother, and sister-in-law-almost, and my mom come join us for breakfast. Afterwards we all, minus my mom, went back to our house and played card games, watched TV and just relaxed.

And did lots of puppy snuggling! (that's a rope toy on the carpet, not a pee stain) We had a great time laughing and telling stories and NOT jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. Fast forward a week. It's a Sunday and we have the Seahawks season opener game against the Rams at 1pm. We also have our jump rescheduled. Yep. I didn't get to get off the hook. Turned out to be an amazing day with perfect weather and clear blue skies! Once we got to the jump spot I wasn't as nervous as I was expecting to be. I think a lot of that had to do with Cory being so chill about it. We filled out our paperwork to sign our life away and promise not to sue if we die. I refused to read the warnings... I just initialed it all. We watched the video and went outside to practice the position for free-falling and the landing. Then they gave the order of who will jump in the first load and surprise, surprise we were on it! I had enough time to empty my bladder and suit up and nothing else. No last smoke or time to freak out.

We loaded up and were taking off before the door was even down.

It was an amazing flight with spectacular views and everyone is joking and laughing to keep their minds off jumping. Next thing I know the door was rolled up and we were sitting on the edge at about 14,500ft and going about 100mph. I was literally dangling out the plane while my partner was sitting inside. we rocked three times and then were out! I can not describe the feeling. It was spectacular. We were spinning and flipping and dancing in the sky. Just flying without a care in the world at about 130 mph. I loved every second about it. When the chute opened, I got to steer and do circles and loops and dives and stops and have a ball.

Snohomish is gorgeous from way up there... just gorgeous. We came in for our landing fast and hot and smiling. Cory was right behind me so I got to turn around and see him land too. We jumped up and gave each other a huge kiss and a big I LOVE YOU!! Fantastic! Afterwards we had lunch with Cory's parents and talked about the urge to get right back up and maybe even become certified... Oh I want it so bad! Then headed home to change and go to the Seahawk game where we won, of course! The view of the skyline was just gorgeous and a perfect end to a perfect day. All in all, it turned out to be a very exciting day. All our energy was zapped from us and we slept wonderfully while dreaming about dangling out of perfectly good airplanes.

The difference between man 30 and woman 30.

So.... Today is my boo bear's birthday! He is turning 30. Thirty years old. Three decades old. No longer in the 20's but not quite in mid-life crisis phase. 3-0.

It's odd. I don't know how to feel about this.

Of course I am very happy and excited because it gives me an excuse to shower him with love and gifts. Which makes me look like a great girlfriend, right? I mean, that is the point of giving gifts. To show off how much better your are than any other past gf's gifts? No? That's just me huh? Oh well! I'm OK with that because my gifts are Stellar!!!! Anyways... back on track.

So he's turning 30. Thirty to me is when you start to settle down. Thirty to me is when you look at your life and realize you don't have too much time left before you are 40. And once you turn 40 you are at the top of the hill right? So, essentially, you need to get a lot done in your 30's.

For example, buy a house. You are now officially an adult. You can no longer milk the whole 'I'm still in my 20's and can slack off' excuse. Time to grow up. Time to do the adult thing and buy a house. And once you have a house you start nesting right? So time to get married? Have babies before the girl's fertility starts going down hill? OH SHIT!

These are the things that go thru a girls mind when she is turning 30. Oh shit... My eggs! My eggs!!!

But a guy? Oh man how I hope to hell that the only thing going thru his head as he turns 30 today is whether or not he gets free drinks at the show tonight.

I can deal with him wanting to buy a house. Go for it babe. Good move. But kids? So so so not in our future anytime soon. I still have 7 years before I hit the 30 mark and need to start using those damn eggs!

You want Kids honey? Go buy a hot rod and make it a two seater and we'll call that our baby. Just make sure I get my name and a little crown sown into my seat or a decal on my window.

I'm just thankful we are on the same page when it comes to this. I'm not concerned. We got it all figured out, or so we hope. We still got 7 years before that wretched sound of a screaming 3 month old starts to sound appealing and not appalling. We still have 7 years of spoiling each other and doing whatever we want when we want before I get bit by that nasty little baby bug.

Don't get me wrong, I love the things (babies). But only when I can give it back after 20 minutes. Just don't have that motherly instinct or patience, yet. I think it will be one of those things I never get until it's a necessity.

So for now... I'm going to enjoy my old man. He's 30 today. He's 30 and looking better than ever! He gets closer to my perfection everyday. Or my perfection keeps morphing to what and who he is. Either way, I'm content with our life together and oh so happy we don't have to deal with any of those pesky "adult" issues quite yet.

So in honor of my insanely gorgeous, sexy, wonderful, funny, perfect little ass man, Boo Bear, I would like everyone... so that's all 3 of you reading this, to have a drink for him tonight. Cheers to his mother for creating this awesome creature 30 years ago today!

Happy Birthday Boo Bear and I love you!

(now go buy me a damn hot rod!)

A blessed life...

We all have one. We really do. I promise. It just all depends on how many layers of shit you are willing to tredge thru in order to get to it. Like a pearl I suppose. How many years of pressure can you allow yourself to take? Is it easier to let that pressure pull you down inside of yourselves until your outer shell cracks and can never produce anything of beauty and you are left, jagged and broken on a shore somewhere. The softest parts of you exposed to a too harsh world? Or is it easier to buck up. Grow those protective barnacles and realize that today is just a day. A wave is just a wave. Nothing more, nothing less. It will still pick you up and tumble you around. Just somedays it may be softer, playful tumbles. Otherdays it may feel like you are being pounded into the ground with tons of sand being piled on top of you. That sand may trap you. Then all you want in the world is a different wave to come shake that sand off and pick you up to playfully toss you around again. But no matter what it's up to us, not that wave or that day, on whether we allow ourselves to become buried and entombed in our troubles. It's how the world works. Somethings may feel like the hardest thing you will ever have to go thru. And it very well might end up being true. But another day will always come. Another day will bring you new challenges. Another day will bring you fresh smiles. Another day will allow your heart to heal. This year has been a very hard year for quite a bit of my stash of friends and family. it seems that the majority of us have had a significant loss this year. Whether it was a job, the loss of a relationship, the death of a parent, a brother, a son, a husband. The loss of friendships. The loss of comfort. We all seemed to expereince it a little every day. Sometimes it traps us down and makes us turn to things to mask the truth. Sometimes it makes us more brutally honest. No matter what though.... A new day will come tomorrow. We will have another day to prove ourselves. Another day to learn from what we lost. I don't know if it's easier to allow yourself to break or to never allow those cracks. I think we all need a good balance of the two. We need to let ourselves be a bit vulnerable sometimes, but we need to know when that tough shell will come in handy. I ramble to all hell in this and used one of the silliest analogies so thanks for bearing with me. I'll go into why I felt the need for this post in the next few days. For now though, just know someone is always there to help you if you ask. Someone will always offer you a joke when you need one and a shoulder to cry on. That is one of the many ways we are all so blessed.