The past few months have been life changing for me. I can actually feel the shift in my heart, soul and mind.
I made a few choices that I wasn't proud of last fall. I felt a pull away from who i was and it was strong so I caved into it. Most of it was contributed to me drinking more than usual and I would love for that to be the main source of blame but I know that I am a big girl, I know what I'm doing when I pick up that drink and I accept that responsibility.
I have a family that has addictive personalities. I have a family that is full of wandering eyes, fickle hearts, and always changing. I thought I was able to avoid most of that. About 3 years ago I did go through a very hard time. I went thru about 4 months of non-stop drinking that I have wrote about before. I lost everything in that time frame. My job, my car, my apartment, my boyfriend, and my faith in myself as well as my confidence.
I met a group that helped me thru it all and then I met Cory. My life changed and calmed drastically. I would still have my moments of being 23 and stupid. Getting drunk and trying to leave him. We have struggled like any couple. But our struggles really only came to the surface when I would drink. I slowly started to see this and I slowly started to drink less and less.
Last fall I began my new position in the kitchen. I started smoking again, started going out drinking every night after work and stopped focusing on my relationship. I was inactive in our relationship. I was no longer a part of it. I rarely saw him and when I did I would block him out of my life. My phone became my world so I didn't have to deal with what was in front of me.
Thank God for Cory. And I do. I thank God for him every single night. He let me find my way back to him. He was there for me when I broke down and told him how much I needed him to help me. We moved out of our old place that just felt haunted with bad blood from so many other people's misfortunes. We got our own place for just the two of us and our puppies. We make a daily effort to tell each other about our days and how much we love each other. We find whatever amount of time we can in the day to spend with each other.
I can honestly say that I feel safe. I feel like I found my match and my mate. I feel like my life is so charmed and special and I am who I want to be now. I slowly stopped reading blogs and postes from people that never showed their weakness, it was making it too easy for me to find faults of my own that I didn't have such a "perfect" life. In reality I do. I have a perfectly broken life, a life that I love to live everyday and that I get to share with my perfectly flawed boyfriend.
I wouldn't have it any other way.