Home pause

We are on a slight detour of life at this time.

Our house is kinda in a waiting period and I feel like our lives are as well.

Cor just got a new job that shows nothing but promises of a great future. But how do you wait for the future when you are as inpatient as me?

I am feeling like second fiddle to Cory's life and I am making choices to try to change that.  It's a very difficult journey to find yourself after 4 years of focusing on who you are standing next to your man to trying to focus on who you are as an individual.

I have always thought of myself as a strong independent woman, which I am, but I also am very much a dependent woman.  Not in a financial or emotional sense but in the fact that I always try to leave myself available to my boyfriend. I try not to make plans to do things that would interfere with when he is not at work. I try to get all "my" stuff done during early mornings before work or while he is at band practice.

I used to admire and want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I wanted to do everything in my power to create an environment that is purely for my man. I wanted to be able to give him the support, encouragement and confidence to do whatever he wanted or needed to do. I wanted him to know things will always be taken care of at home so he can focus on what he needs to do. I took a wonderful thing and turned it much too literal. In providing that environment for him I lost myself completely. I forgot one of the biggest parts of being a proverbs woman. Staying strong with yourself.

I began to resent him for not doing "his" part at home. But to speak truthfully and honestly I never really gave him a part to play. Now that we have this house I expect him to start, work on or complete a project daily. Now I need him to play his part but he is still learning it. I say that I do everything with the house and I feel that it is a true statement. But then I realize that may be a gross exaggeration. He may not do as much but really I don't give him the opportunity because I want it done faster than he thinks it needs to be done.

I handle our finances and I bitch about being the one to "do" everything but I picked that role. I choose to take it on because I actually ENJOY making a budget, paying bills on time and following plans. I don't think I would be able to sit back and have him take over that role so why do I bitch about it?

I handle the majority of cleaning, dusting, sweeping, laundry, dishes, weed-pulling, and grocery shopping. Once again, I put myself in that role because I get frustrated when Cor does it because it isn't to my standards or how I do it. I could absolutely let him do the laundry or dishes but because I'm such a control freak and I always get cranky if he does tiny loads of laundry or runs the dishwasher with only half the amount of dishes that need to be washed, I choose to just do it myself.

These are things that I don't need to waste energy complaining or being upset about. I made this pigeon hole and as much as I feel I nag him to do things I could probably just let it go.I can ask myself  "Does it need to be done immediately?"  If it does then I can just do it myself. Really I am faster at most cleaning so in the amount of time it takes for me to nag I can probably have it done.

So with the house I have started to make a 'Cory list' and a 'Tiara list'. I can write down a project or task that I need him to do and he can look at it and get it done. If nothing has been done in a week then we can sit down and find out how to make time for it. Same goes with my list.

I miss me. I find myself resenting my boyfriend for not doing things but in reality I have helped provided this environment for him for the past 4 years.  Is it really his fault that I have always catered to him and never really pushed him to do much?  Maybe partially but that is for him to work on.  

Now what do I do about my own life that I feel is just passing me by?

I don't grab a bite with friends. Heck, I really don't have many friends that I even feel comfortable with anymore. I don't call ANYONE. I rarely text people even if they are always on my mind.

I feel like all my friends have now become acquaintances. I feel so far away from them that I don't even know where to start. How do you become friends with someone that you abandoned? Do you try to go out for coffee with each of them individually? Should I just throw a huge party and beg people to show up? I'll find a way.

In the meantime, I am trying to find my balance. Balance for me, him and us. It's not going to be an easy journey and I really am trying to leave my expectations empty. I am trying to allow things to happen naturally and just to trust my instincts.

I know one thing about myself and that is that I have to have a goal and a purpose. I can't force my goals and timeline on Cor and so I must find one that is just for me. 

What do I love?

What drives me and makes me feel strong and powerful and accomplished?

What makes my endorphins kick into gear?

I know I love working out. Yoga makes me feel so unbelievably strong and it helps me with all my joint issues while also making me more comfortable with my body image. I also love lifting and doing fast paced hard workouts and so I have been playing with the idea of starting Crossfit. I know both of these will get me out of the house and around new people. I know either will be great for my own mindset. I need to do me. I need to just say that I am the most important person in this world. And I need to believe it.

I have no children and I'm not married. My family is important and Cory is important but no one is as important as me. No one's happiness is more important than mine. Period.

Time to remember that and time to make that a priority. I can't be a good friend or spouse without being a good me.

I don't know what will happen with Cory and I. I don't know if he will fill the role I expect of him. I can only be open and honest with him and let him make that choice on his own. Just like I need to make the choices of staying strong and sticking to my goal of finding myself.

We are on a journey. I suppose that is what life is. A constant journey and a constant road of following your gut, making compromises and finding joy in yourself and others. Just breathe it out.

Home... Blah blah blah. I'm so in love!

What a fun season in life right now.

So many friends, more facebook friends than real life friends (I'm working on that), are having babies and buying houses. It seems the weddings are slowing down right now and the next chapters of life are starting.

This is so much fun for me because, well, I can relate to this stage of life better. I'm not engaged, planning a wedding, going on honeymoon's or any of that stuff so I had a hard time feeling overly excited when my friends were in that phase. I was of course happy for them and excited to be a part of that magical day but I didn't have the same emotions as I do now.

Now I just am over the moon when I see friends posting pictures of their homes, yards and gardens. I get giddy over it all. I can relate. I can swap stories and get inspiration. It's like this super cool club that I feel like I joined.

Don't even get me started on the babies. Baby stories will instantly give me goosey bumps and make tears prickle my eyeballs. THAT is some serious awesomeness! I love babies and baby stuff.

I can't wait for that moment where I can share the news that we are expecting (not to worry, it's not anytime soon).

But for now I will revel in the house love and to show ya what I mean...

 I pulled a Martha and put caulking on the back of our rugs to make them stop sliding EVERYWHERE..... Don't waste your caulk. Barely works.... Maybe I will try again with more of a silicone version. I think my floors are just too dirty. Heeheheehe....

 Our yard has been mowed, the house sprayed for spiders and bugs and the sticker bushes are almost completely gone!! The area in front of those trees was just full of sticker bushes and now its open and there is even a few small trees growing... I'm looking forward to seeing what they are and to putting a sweet little chair swing up in that tree!

We stopped at Home Depot to pick up a few small things and walked out with these chairs. I have been in love with them for years and we were originally going to get the raw wood ones to stain or paint but we decided this was a faster cheaper alternative and they look great! Love the pop of color it adds to the front porch. I'm working on a really sweet table idea for in between.

Gotta show some love to our massive driveway.  I swept and edge the whole thing the other day and what a pain in the butt! A ton of leaves were so run over I swear I thought they would be imprinted into the asphalt but we got it pretty. I'm hoping next summer to put a new blacktop on just to freshen it up.

When we bought the house it came with a huge black mailbox with peeling stickers of the last owner's name and it was faded and rusting. I had grand dreams of a gorgeous mailbox with our house address and our name in some awesome decal font. I was vetoed on putting our name on the box and I was vetoed on the decal idea. Finally after 3 months of this mailbox sitting on our coffee table with paint pens Cor finally painted the numbers on with that sweet little detail on the back. I kinda like that only we see it. It's growing on me.

 Hard to tell but the numbers are outlined in lime green with a little bit of orange highlighting.

Lots of little projects getting done and adding up to a home we love.   Can't wait to share more projects and a super fun baby party we are throwing in a few weeks!!

Bathroom... Almost complete!

The Bathroom before was a very drab place. It was dark, dingy and absolutely outdated. With one wall painted a denim blue and the other three a harvest yellow it just screamed 90's country. The heater on the ceiling was a smoke yellow, you know that color walls turn after someone smokes for years in a house? Ya that and the ceiling exhaust fan were that color. So were the outlet covers, the light switch, the heater knob and the exhaust fan knob.   

 

When we first moved in there was oak towel bar, can we say gross and moldy??, and it hung over the toilet. Which just seemed so very weird to me.  You can see the matching toilet paper roll on the counter below.

 

 The picture below is after I painted the mirror frame. That was also oak. because ya know, why not?

 The ceiling was the biggest project ever. I scraped the peeling bits and then we mudded!

The big box of mud! This stuff was awesome. It was already pre-mixed and ready to use. I made the mistake of getting a 14 inch trowel instead of a 12 and those 2 extra inches really did make it a little bit harder to control and keep level. Your arm gets very tired!

Once that was done and dried, I sanded the entire ceiling. With my little tiny hand sander. So much fun.... Not! It made the biggest mess I have ever seen! I taped the drain in both the bathtub and the sink to try and prevent a ton of the stuff going down the drains.  Then it was go time!

This is the ceiling after the first mud and before the first sanding. You can see the big grooves and ridges. Since we won't  be adding texture to the ceiling we needed to do our best to get it as smooth and flat as possible.

 It just needed a light touch in most places but in others you had to just go over and over and over to get it flat and even.

 And this is what I looked like HALF way through! Just halfway! Oh it was insane!

 I couldn't imagine doing it with out that mask! Even with it on I had white bogeys for days! And I had extremely full hair with awesome body!

After sanding I wiped it all down and then put up another, very thin, coat of mud. and while that dried I started on the rest of the projects for the bathroom. The light fixture was a cream color and just so blah. I sprayed it Oil Rubbed Bronze and then glued pennies all over it. I kinda thought it looked weird and cheap but I just kept on going.

 I also sprayed the shower curtain rod the same color and glued pennies to some letters that spell out "BATH". We have a painting Cor's grandma did for us that was kinda the color inspiration and so I sprayed that frame as well.

Once the mud was done drying I did a very light sand and wipe and then started painting. I started with the walls to allow the mud a whole day to cure. We picked a very light blue with a creamy white ceiling color.

 It was messy and crowded and a pain in the butt.

 We brought the ceiling color down a few inches onto the wall to add a bit more height and something different.  I wasn't so sure but now I love it!

 Once the paint was dry and the tub was caulked we got to work putting the place back together. First up was the light.... I am in love. We splurged and got the "vintage" Thomas Edison style light bulbs and they seriously are just amazing. They are very yellow in color which kinda changed the whole fresh, bright and clean vibe but look how awesome!!

 We haven't hung the letters or the frame yet, still deciding on the best way and place. But they look just as sweet and awesome on the counter.  We also bought a new set of towel rings, bar and toilet paper holder in the same ORB color as everything else.

I spray painted the fan and heater covers to a crisp white and am doing the knobs later today.  Makes a huge difference in the look. and look at the gleam on that gorgeous ceiling of mine!

Below is one option of tp storage that I am playing with, hence the tag still attached. I still want a cool shelf to add above the toilet for storage and drama pieces.

We still need to finish painting the vanity which is on this weeks to do list and we need to get some big fluffy towels and some other little bits to pull it together. I kinda love it and can't wait to show it off!

The Zoo!

For all of you (yes, all three of you) that are waiting on bathroom updates I am almost done! I just forgot to take some pictures and will do that tonight for you! It's looking so much brighter and I am in love with my satin smooth ceiling!!

For the meantime I shall post my trip to the zoo I took a few weeks ago.

I went with my brother, Sister-in-law, two nieces, and another family that we are friends with. We went on a Sunday and the weather was kinda crappy. Not too cold but gray and a little drizzly. The day before was of course a gorgeous sunny bright blue sky Saturday! Figures.

We got there pretty early to see the lion cubs, there were 4! They were all wrestling around with some cardboard boxes and it was just absolutely adorable! There was a Kangaroo with her baby still in the pouch and he was sticking his tiny little head out to eat. Very cute and weird all at the same time. All the animals seemed to be out and about more than I have ever seen before. It was actually kinda the perfect zoo trip. Except for the minor four year old meltdown we had at the very end.

Total Picture overload but it was so much fun to run around with the girls and see so many animals so up close and personal! Gotta love being a kid again!