Trials and Tribulations of Tiara Joy

50 things I want to do before I die, continued!

2011-10-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

I've left that piece of notebook paper on my coffee table for the past 2 weeks now. I like to think of it as a type of encouragement. A way to keep myself on track and remind myself of the things in life that are important to ME!

Not what is important to the man I am with at the time or to my family, or the people I surround myself but what I have wanted for myself.

I have decided that there is a bit on the list that needs to be scratched. A type of editing down to the bare essentials of what would make me happiest. I do believe I shall put it into four categories; things accomplished, things that WILL be accomplished no matter what, things that would be cool if it happened but I won't waste precious time on, and things that just don't matter anymore.

Things accomplished:
3 & 4. Go to college and Culinary arts- accomplished and graduated!! Do need to go back for a degree program though!
13. Be content with finances- well, I'm content and I feel confident in my financial choices, always can use more though!!
15. Be the best mom- My puppies think so!!!!!
17. Have two bunnies- I did, they were Ariel and Hunter, both died of poisoning. I think I should stay clear!
40. Be supportive of friends and family- I like to think that no matter how much time passes, any friends or family can come to me for anything and I will do whatever is in my power to help.
42. Learn more about marketing- always striving to learn more about this. Its a process and I'm sure I will always be learning.
48. Get my art into a show- I was in a High School art show if that counts!!!!

Things that will be accomplished:
3. Go to college- on the first list but I do still need that degree!!
7. Marry the love of my life- One day it will happen and it will be extraordinary!
9. Travel to Australia- Since I was a little girl I have wanted this.... It will happen!
10. Backpack Europe- Ditto to above!
11. Own my own business- this is another constant in my life. I am always thinking about how to make it work. I WILL make it work and will be a success.
15. Be the best mom- Well, DUH!
25. Own a cabin- Nothing in this world is more perfect than a secluded place to call your own.
26. Own a snowmobile- You can't own a cabin without one!
45. Build my own 4x4- It will be a challenge and it Will be tough and stressful but how amazing would it be to kick some boy ass in something I made? I can't wait.
50. Blow Glass- Just once. It can be a class but I just need to do this in my life. Its so fascinating and I can sit and watch it for hours on end.

Things that would be cool if it happened:
1. Travel to the four corners of the US
8. Name my first boy Bearett Keith- ya, probably not gonna fly with whoever the dad may be! lol.
14. Visit Amsterdam- Would have been cool in the early 20's but now just not a priority
16. Play with bears- How freaking cool would this be? But they would have to be trained and so that limits where and when and how I would get to accomplish this.
18. Own a Mastiff- Would be cool but they are so large and slobbery and just maybe better to know people that own them!
21. Visit Alcatraz- it has always fascinated me. The whole jail system fascinates me.
22. Become famous- I think everyone would be cool if this happened to them, as long as it was for something bad ass and not for something like being caught on camera with Montezuma revenge.
23. Name my girl Belle- this was way before the Twilight phenomenon and I still would love it but I won't push it.
24. Swim with dolphins- DUH!!! How cool
27. Become a great snowboarder- I'm cool with just becoming a decent one!!
28. Learn to surf- Maybe my little brother will teach me! But I have horrible balance and I think that may be a prerequisite.
30. Drag race- hmmmmm... Can I just be in the car?
32. Enter a 4x4 competition- They are slowly disappearing but if I'm not too old by the time I build mine this would be sooo cool
39. Go to Superbowl- Would be absolutely amazing to be a part of. If it is ever financially doable and if the Seahawks or Chargers are in that I will be there!
41. Visit Civil War landmarks- Another thing that has always fascinated me. I love learning about the history of our country. So much of it was meant to be so pure but was really just corrupt.
47. Write children books- I remember so many of the books I read when I was little. It seems it makes an impact on children and I would love to be able to be a part of that.

Things that just don't matter any more:
2. Ride custom trike cross-country- Sounds really uncomfortable
5. Go to beauty school- I just think it would be cool to know but I'm not about to spend money on it
6. Become a kindergarten teacher- My whole life I want this. I still will always want it but its not my passion
12. Have a huge family- I'm down with a single child now. I always wanted lots but one is where its at.
19. Own 2 mini dogs- what the hell was I thinking? I don't remember a time I ever wanted this!
20. Go to jail/prison for 24-48 hours- ya..... I'll pass!
29. Learn to fly a helicopter- I have played with simulators and I think me and piloting is a recipe for death
31. Do motor cross- I'll hurt myself and that doesn't sound fun, like at all!
33. Go to Margaritaville, Florida- I think I was running out of things I wanted to do. This is a weird thing. lol
34. Own a beach house in California- Can we say $$$$$$ and taxes galore?!!! No thanks!
35. Own a NY loft- please see above!
36. See the 7 wonders of the world- OVERRATED!! If given the chance for free than sure but really doesn't sound too awesome anymore.
37. Have a daycare- Can we say Headache? I don't think I have the patience for that
38. Visit Wisconsin- I just really wanted some cheese when I did this I think!
43. Not be scared of Water skiing- Its scary. You go fast behind a big machine and it just isn't right.
44. Have Jesse James build me something- Jesse James lost my endorsement after he screwed Sandra over!
46. Design clothes- Fun to doodle but I would never want to do it all the way
49. Forge steel- Do they still do this even? I mean it would be bad ass to forge my own chef knife I guess.

While breaking this down into categories I realized that I should probably just make a fresh list. There is so much more in life that I want. Something to think about I suppose.

I hope you had fun reading this silly little post. There is so much heaviness weighing on me right now that it was nice to break away into a frivolous post about silly things. I hope you all enjoy your Wednesday and throw a little silly in there somewhere to shake off the serious!

50 things I want to do before I die.... From 2003

2011-09-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

I find this list every couple years. I wrote this as an assignment in Mr. Iverson's US History class.

It's funny to look back on this and realize so much of this I still really want.
More on that in the future.

1. Travel to the 4 corners of the US
2. Ride a custom trike cross-country
3. go to college
4. Got to Culinary School
5. Go to Beauty School
6. Become a kindergarten teacher
7. marry the love of my life
8. Name my first boy Bearett Keith
9. Travel to Australia
10. Backpack Europe
11. Open my own business
12. Have a HUGE family
13. Be content with my finances
14. visit Amsterdam
15. Be the best mom
16. Play with Bears
17. Have 2 bunnies
18. Own a mastiff dog
19. own two mini dogs (breed doesn't matter)
20. go to prison for 24-48 hours
21. Visit Alcatraz
22. Become Famous
23. Name my girl Belle
24. Swim with Dolphins
25. Own a remote cabinm
26. Own a snowmobile
27. Become a great snowboarder
28. Learn to Surf
29. Learn to fly a helicopter
30. Drag race
31. Do motor-cross
32. enter a 4x4 contest
33. Go to Margaritaville, Fl
34. Own a beach house in California
35. Own a New York Loft
36. Go to the 7 wonders of the world
37. Have a daycare
38. visit Wisconsin and Vermont
39. Go to the SUperbowl
40. Be supportive of friends and family
41. Visit old war landmarks
42. learn more about marketing
43. Not to be scared of waterskiiing anymore
44. Have Jesse James build me something
45. Build my own 4x4
46. Design clothes
47. Write Children's books
48. Get my art into a show
49. Forge Steel
50. blow glass

Do you have a list? What is your top 3?

sweatin'

2011-09-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

I've been in the kitchen and cookin' for 3 weeks now and I can say that at this moment I love it.

I feel like it is what I was built for.

I get butterflies everyday while getting ready and driving to work.

Once those checkered pants are slid on and that chef coat is buttoned I feel the nerves wind tighter and tighter around me.

I have 20 minutes to get all my prep and my station set and then it's go time. Then it's fun and crazy and hectic and loud and HOT! Oh, so freaking HOT!

Everyday I learn something new and everyday I find a better way to do it. I'm having a ball and I couldn't imagine life any other way. Once our rush dies down you can find me in my little corner just giggling away because I just can't help it.

Then at the end of the night I feel the sweat drenching me from head to toe and made extra slick with all the grease and vapors and cleaning chemicals. As I try to change into my clothes for the drive home at midnight I can feel the fresh burns on my arms searing from the touch of my clothes. I notice my feet are swollen and take an extra push to get them into my sneakers. And I relilsh every ache, and every drop of sweat.

Once I'm home I get to repeat the process of stripping down to get in the shower. I wince as the water hits my forearms and clench my teeth. I scrub and scrub my body and face until it FINALLY begins to feel free of grease and slime. I put my lotion on and try to massage out the pain in my feet, my heels, my toes, my arch. I take some asprin and hope that when I wake up I can still move my right hand. And I go to bed so damn happy because of it.

Now when I drive to work it's not the nerves at being bad at cooking its the nerves of wondering if today is the day my hand will stop working.

I was diagnosed at 14 with acute rheumatoid arthritis. It would hurt on occasion but was never a thing to slow me down. Now it terrifies me.

What if I finally found what I love and adore only to have it taken from me at such a young age?

I stretch my hand and my fingers all day everyday hoping to help make them last. I see them swell to double the size they should be every morning and it scares me. My wrist is having a tough time taken the extra strain of cooking and I just don't know what to do.

I'm too damn young for this bullshit. So I keep pushing on.

I will live my dream and I will love what I'm doing for as long as I am able. One day at a time.

Because this is my life and this is who I am and what I love.

goal one: Almost accomplished!

2011-09-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

I went to culinary school. I worked hard, was exhausted and learned a few crucial skills and a lot of bullshit. I put myself $20k in debt all so I could see if that's where my passion lies.

When I graduated I had the personal business cards of some of the best chefs in the Seattle area. I had spoken with them, their wives and their employees. They handed me those cards so that I could work for them. They gave them to me. I didn't ask for them.

What a huge ego boost!

One problem though, I'm an absolute chickenshit.

I didn't follow up on a single lead. I missed my networking goldmine all for a little thing called fear. I was terrified to actually put my knowledge and passion to work. Petrified that I couldn't do it. So nervous that I just wouldn't be able to stand the heat.

I found those cards in April and it pissed me off. I squandered an absolute blessing. These people had met me. That is the toughest part. Is getting the interview. And I nailed it every time. Why was I so damn scared? So I applied at Anthony's to do anything. Just to get a job in the field and see if I liked it.

Turns out I love it. But that's front house stuff. Could I make it in the kitchen?

I heard an opening was coming up and I jumped at the bit. I sat down with my GM and asked what he thought. He was so encouraging that I sat down with the Kitchen Manager and she said she would give me try. That was 3 months ago. I start in the kitchen this coming week. I realized it yesterday.

Fuck ME.

I'm terrified. Not of sucking at cooking, I know I can cook. Not of making mistakes, I know it will happen. A little bit at learning the way a line works but I know I will pick it up fast. What I'm most scared of is that people here know me. Now it's not a bunch of strangers waiting to see me fail but a bunch of coworkers. People that have had it out for me since day one. It's time for me to show them what I'm made of. I got this and time to stop being a little cry baby about it. I'm getting my dream handed to me. Why bitch?

It's going to be long days and longer nights. No more switching shifts whenever I want. No more smiling with the guests. No more tights and skirts. Time to button up and get dirty and I can't wait!

Getting stronger,

2011-08-30T14:38:00.000-07:00

Hi friends and family! It's been much too long since we've had a talk.

I would like to blame it on Cory's extremely ancient and slow laptop from 1996. But I can't.
I would like to blame it on my lack of time from working my ass off all day everyday, but I can't.
I would like to blame it on nothing exciting happening in my life, but alas, I can't.

I'm just plain lazy!

I think about how much I miss my writing so much, and then I think about how much I have to say and how it will turn into a mumbled mess with me just throwing it all out there with my excitement of typing again.

Well, now is the time to start again. If you know me then you know that now is my happy time. Now is the time of year when all things feel fresh and new to me. Now is the time of year when I re-evaluate my goals, my dreams and my life path.

So instead of my filling you in on what life has given me the past 8 months or so I'm just going to start fresh after this quick update:

I am currently working at Anthony's Homeport and start cooking in a few weeks time. I am so excited and nervous for this opportunity. I'm mainly nervous about the lack of tips and the lack of pay and how Cory and I will make do. I am very excited for the opportunity to be able to see if this is what I should be focusing my life on or if it's just a pipe dream.

Cory and I are loving our life together. We, well I, went through a tough two year itch but we came out of it stronger than ever. I'm excited to have him in my life and I make sure I appreciate him and us everyday. I can't wait to see what is in store with us for the future. Hopefully babies and hopefully sooner rather than later! He hates when I talk about babies but the past few months I see his resolve faltering! ;)

Our days consist of work, puppies and playing with our RC cars that we got as an attempt to get a hobby to do together. BEST DECISION EVER!! Cory is also starting to play in a band again which gives him something to do that is his and that we both can be proud of together. We are slowly growing together and separately to make us have a stronger bond and I couldn't be happier with him.

That's it for my update and next I will fill you in on the changes I'm working on.

Oh and it feels great to type this out, makes me think I should go to the gym again one day! :)

DEBT FREE!!!

2011-06-06T10:51:00.000-07:00

Quick update!!!

It is now June 2011. I am now officially two weeks away from my last collections debt being paid off!!!

I've worked soo damn hard at this in the past 9 months or so and I can't believe all $8,000.00 will be done!

I'm looking forward to taking the $500 or so a month that was going to debt and putting it in savings!!!!!

2010-11-04T16:58:00.001-07:00

Do you ever just stop dead in your tracks to stare at the person you love?

Does it nearly knock you over with emotion when you see them make that one certain face? or that sly smile?

Does every morsel of fear and doubt melt from your body with just one silly little wink?

I'm amazed on a daily basis at how much emotion i have for the man in my life. somedays i don't know if i can make it another day. some nights i go over and over in my head what it would be like for both of us if we just ended it all now.

And then he touches me, smiles, laughes at me or makes a goofy face. every doubt just disappears. it just vanishes.

Seeing his face brightens my day like nothing else can.

Today i'm thankful for my little creep.

My finances.

2010-11-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

I've been told by a few people in the past few weeks that I should re-evaluate how I spend my money. I've been told that I should keep things to myself, no matter if it's debt or fun things like concerts, football games, or going out. I've been told that it doesn't make me look good and that it makes me look irresponsible.

People ask me why I do things when I have zero money and have to stress myself out with budgeting and second jobs.

Well, I think I need to clear the air. If more than one people have said this to me in the past weeks than I'm sure more people are out there wondering the same thing.

I find these comments unsolicited. I find them rude, mean, and upsetting.

The people that say these things only know what they are reading on Facebook.

I have not been shy about letting people know that I am in debt. I also have budgeted and dealt with my creditors so that the $8k I am in debt will be paid off completely by June 2011. Yippee!!!

My budget is intense. If you put it into one of those budget calculator things then you will get -$314 a month. Thankfully I have someone in my life that helps me take food costs out of my budget, helps pay the majority of my house bills, drives me around so I only need to spend enough on gas to get me to Seattle for school. That helps bring that budget down to about -$100.

I have taken a second job for the holiday season and will hopefully start this week. I have multiple resumes out for other second jobs that will pay more. I have been very proactive in taking care of what needs to be taken care of.

And it sucks. It sucks to eat Minute rice with frozen vegetables for dinner. It sucks to be so reliant on Cory to help take care of me. It sucks that not a soul will get a Christmas present this year. It sucks that I haven't been able to cook or bake because, well, it's just not in the budget. It sucks that I have to plan my visits to my nieces based on my gas.

But I do what needs to be done.

People think that I don't have my priorities straight since I go to every Seahawks home game, concerts at least once a month, and out with friends every once in a while.

Well, we bought our season tickets back in April. By we, I mean CORY. I paid for a very small portion of them and I paid for it with money I saved from tips. When we go we normally find free parking and walk to the stadium. We bring sandwiches we make at home and spiced up popcorn. Rarely we will buy a hot dog outside of the game for about $5. We each drink one beer and sometimes 2 but that is not often. Our games cost us, on average, $24 every other week. We split who pays every other time so that is about $25 a month per person.

Our concerts we go to are always planned out. Cory is normally the one that pays for the expensive shows. I pay for the small bar shows we go to which are normally $10 for the two of us. At any show we go to we only drink 1-2 beers each of the cheapest beer. Normally we drink about $20 tops at these shows. The bar shows we spend way less because of that good ol' PBR.

When I go out with friends I bring no more than $25.00 cash with me. Rarely will I spend $30. I pick what or if I eat and I choose my drinks wisely. It's rare that I even go out. It happens less than once a month.

We don't go to the movies (it's been almost a year since we sat in a theatre), we don't eat at pricey places, I don't buy new clothes, I quit smoking because of the money it costs, our pantry is bare and empty because we can't do a full grocery trip, I don't get my hair or nails done, I don't tan, I don't waste my money.

My money is my money and Cory's money is his. When he buys a new car or bike, it's him buying it. When we go to fancy shows, it's because Cory wanted to treat me. We don't share our finances. We aren't married. We are merely dating. He does so much for me financially in helping cover my house bills that it is wrong to tell him to stop buying the things he wants.

I do let him know that sometimes it makes me uncomfortable that he can do all these things and I can't. It makes me nervous that he is going to get sick of putting up with this broke girl and find a new lady. I hate that he has to pay for everything we do that I don't have budgeted in. I hate that he asks before I go out if I need gas money or emergency money.

But you know what? If it wasn't for him splurging on these things then I would go crazy. I would break my budget to go out and have some fun and would surely be drowning in debt. Because Cory is so generous with his money I am able to dig myself out from under. Because he is willing to help me with my portion of our house bills doesn't mean he is able to pay off my debts and he shouldn't have to. He knows that weathering this storm just means a better financial future for the two of us down the road.

So to all of you out there that think you can judge me. Know your facts. I get to have fun because I have a man that helps me out when needed and because I save for it. I am broke but that doesn't mean I am doomed to sitting at home with my dollar store popcorn.
I think it is very important to treat yourself with in your means. If you don't then you just turn bitter at the people that do get to treat themselves and that's just unfair to both me and those people I turn bitter to.

I'm going to continue to budget, continue to save every penny in my HUGE change jar so I can have 'fun' money, I'm going to continue to bust my ass to live the life I want to live. I learned that I really am an adult and can't go begging for money from my parents. I need to do it all on my own. But I am willing to take tuition donations! ;)

So Please! Can everyone understand that Cory's money is not my money. I don't get to dictate what he buys. Do not judge me and my finances because you don't know where MY money is going. Cory's new truck is his truck. Cory's toys are his toys. Our football seats are Cory's football seats. Every single piece of furniture in our house is Cory's except for my $20 dining room table, free TV in the bedroom and the Queen bed that was once my mother's and is now my guest bed, and my gifted bowflex. Almost every pair of shoes in my closet was bought by Cory for me. The Jeep I drive is registered to Cory and he bought it for me for my birthday. I did buy Wheeler fr $100 but Cory buys everything he needs and eats, including my shoes, my hats, my pillows etc.

To close this ranting and WAY too long post, Cory makes it possible for me to live a good life. All my family and friends should be happy for me and proud of me for making my debt my priority and proud of Cory for making me his priority. So I thank you for your concern and what you felt was just friendly advice. I know you are just trying to look out for me.

Love you all and thanks for sticking through it all!

Wheeler and his sleep.....

2010-10-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

My dog is a spoiled doggy. He gets to do whatever he damn pleases because, well, he is so darn cute!
He gets fed his regular dog food in the morning and normally doesn't touch it until we get home. He scarfs that down and then gets a second bowl of dog food with a steak, chicken breast or a slice of pizza. Basically we cook for three around these parts.

Like I said, the dog is spoiled.

He is also entirely too lazy. I was cleaning out my phone and found so many pictures of him sleeping I figured I would share with you all! Here is part one of who-knows-how-many-parts-of-my-lazy-spoiled-dog's cute mug!

Wheeler being the lead in the begging pack!

Sleeping on the couch with the boy's legs wrapped around him

Laying in the corner at the vet, trying to avoid the tech!

He loves the heater... like, loves it!

Every morning this is what he does when we get out of bed.

Yes, he was sleeping like this for about 2 hours.

He then decided my face would be much more comfortable.

Aren't puppies supposed to be energetic???

This is how my dog plays with his toys. Yep.

Dreaming about those darn flies he loves to chase.

He has decided he doesn't need an invitation to be on the couch anymore.

Snuggled up in the blankie.

Really wanting to close those big brown eyes!

I'll leave you with that overdose of adorable! Much more of where these came from in the future!!

xoxox

Are you REEEAAAADDDYYYYYYY????

2010-10-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Getting soo very excited for the Steel Panther show on Halloween at the Showbox Market!! Always an amazing show and this one should be even crazier with it being on one of my favorite days of all days!! Now for me to find an outfit to wear!!

Here is a few peaks of what I wore to the show a month or so ago.....

Rocked it with my cut off fishnets and of course my 6" patent black studded stillettos!

Now I just gotta find some more '80s gear in the depths of my closet........

Pumpkin patch!

2010-10-26T15:22:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to Foster Farm's Produce up in Arlington to spend the morning with my adorable two little nieces, my lovely sis-in-law Stephanie and my brother Brandon.

Kayla is hitting the 4 foot mark here while her sister.....

Kai Lil' is getting sooo close to the 3 foot mark!

We are still working on Kai being comfortable around me. Each time I visit she seems to like me a bit more. I found that if you bring presents she is much more likely to like you! Smart lady that one!

Brandon, Kai and Kayla had a bit of fun as farm animals!

It was still too early for the sweet little piggies to be up and playing. The Chicken was smart in keeping her feet warm on their backs though!

They had a small little hay maze for $1 per person that ended up making me and Steph sweat. I think we were so early in getting there that they hadn't gone around and cleaned up since their Saturday rush. The hay stacks were all falling over and blocking the paths so Brandon watched on while we struggled to pave out a path for the lovely little damsels.

Kayla decided that she was going to "Just Go Nuts"

After our romp thru the hay and peak at the animals we went on down to the Charlie Brown pumpkin patch to get some pumpkins. Somehow the pictures I have of the ladies and their loot has vanished from my phone! The girls had fun though with Auntie TT (me) pushing Kai in the wheel barrel and Kayla leading the way where she found the pumpkin slingshot stand!!

Kayla came the closest to hitting her ghost! Only a few feet away!

After all of us doing the slingshot and picking our pumpkins it was time to conquer the corn maze!! I have done a million of these things and every time I get frustrated and just start running thru the corn in one direction to find my way out. We had Kayla as our navigator and I thought it would be hours until we found our way out! We had to find 11 'clues' that they had posted all thru the maze and mark it down on our sheet, which didn't help my thoughts on our outcome!

Kai was stylin' with my fabulous pumpkin beanie made by Marin!

Kai and her proud papa!! My bro makes good looking kids!

With Kayla paving the way we actually did pretty good! I think we made it out within an hour and found every clue! We started to get a few tantrums so we got smart and started breaking up to run down dead ends and find the last clues! it worked out perfectly!

The little cheeseballs on the hay ride with auntie tt!

After the maze, me and the girls hopped on the tractor for a quick spin around the farm. Kai loved every second of it and Kayla was the perfect big sister making sure Kai was safe! Afterwards we all headed out to a quick lunch before Bran had work and I had to go meet the boy for some shooting out in the woods!! All in all a fabulous day and made that much sweeter since Kai let me love on her!!

Oh and be sure to check out the link in the post below this for the video of the amazing goat that was there!!

Black Jack the goat at Foster's Produce

2010-10-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

2010-10-19T17:18:00.001-07:00

I want this! i've seen it at world market and greenhouse up in bellingham. i'm so in love with this 15 dollar teapot that it has been my wallpaper on my phone for the past 3 months. its absolutely adorable!

I love that it is detailed and yet so clean and simple with the white. you all are more than welcome to go buy this as a present for me! hehehe

For now, i'll just continue staring at it via the tiny image on my phone.

2010-10-12T15:26:00.001-07:00

So i have been working on my plating presentations at school lately.

I made breakfast the other day and when i looked down at my plate this is what i saw...

2010-10-09T19:19:00.001-07:00

Tonight... my dear friend ashley kent became ashley holzer. a gorgeous couple on their gorgeous day.

2010-10-07T18:20:00.001-07:00

This is an ad inside one of the biker magazines at work... it's a crush resistant contianer for all those banana loving bikers. they are currently working on a chrome-billett version as well! tell me what you think it looks like!

Marin Made Love

2010-10-07T14:07:00.001-07:00

Well.... I just wrote an amazing review for my amazing friend marin and then my computer went all batty on me. So instead you get this awesome post about how awesome my friends is and how you should check out her unbelievable products!

The cutest baby hat!.... Which will go on this baby head....

Wyatt! Here he is wearing his MarinMade earflap hat! 9 months later and it's still his fave!

My awesome PUMPKIN hat!

I LOVE my Newsboy hat!

Adore my red Flower headband!

My black one too!

No pictures of my adorable bow headbands! I have purple, orange, and a seahawks color bows!

I have more Marin Made items than I can count and have gifted many as well and all to rave reviews. All year long I have family and friends begging me to get them something from Marin's site. Whether it's her adorable button push-pins she aptly named 'Sprinkles' or her cute little tiny baby flower lace headbands and matching flower onesies.

Her products all come out gorgeous, soft, and so comfortable. She can custom fit things to whatever size you need from baby to big ol' jock heads! :) There is something in there for everyone and if you think you would love a variation on something, just ask! the girl is amazing at making whatever creation you can think of!

Be sure to check out her shop as well as her facebook fan page!

A poem....

2010-09-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

This poem was posted on threemanycooks and I had to share it with you all.
It reminds me of high school.
It reminds me of now.

I always have these feelings that something is going to happen and it does. I'm able to read people and have a pretty good idea on what choice they are about to make. I don't think it has anything to do with supernatural powers but I do believe it has everything to do with how in-tune I feel with my body.

I know my body well. I try to treat it well and with respect. I listen to what she is telling me and I respond accordingly.

I wasn't always like that. I used to put my poor body and soul through hell over and over again. During those times I had no clue what my body was trying to tell me. I had no emotions except for anger.

Now that I am a bit older and a tiny bit wiser I know to listen. I know to take those 2 seconds to feel what should be done.

I am an Emotional Creature
by Eve Ensler
I love being a girl.
I can feel what you’re feeling
as you’re feeling it inside
the feeling
before.

I am an emotional creature.
Things do not come to me
as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.

They pulse through my organs and legs
and burn up my ears.

I know when your girlfriend’s really pissed off
even though she appears to give you what
you want.

I know when a storm is coming.

I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air.

I can tell you he won’t call back.

It’s a vibe I share.

I am an emotional creature.

I love that I do not take things lightly.

Everything is intense to me.

The way I walk in the street.

The way my mother wakes me up.

The way I hear bad news.

The way it’s unbearable when I lose.

I am an emotional creature.

I am connected to everything and everyone.

I was born like that.

Don’t you dare say all negative that it’s a
teenage thing
or it’s only only because I’m a girl.

These feelings make me better.

They make me ready.

They make me present.

They make me strong.

I am an emotional creature.

There is a particular way of knowing.

It’s like the older women somehow forgot.

I rejoice that it’s still in my body.

I know when the coconut’s about to fall.

I know that we’ve pushed the earth too far.

I know my father isn’t coming back.

That no one’s prepared for the fire.

I know that lipstick means
more than show.

I know that boys feel super-insecure
and so-called terrorists are made, not born.

I know that one kiss can take
away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.

This is not extreme.

It’s a girl thing.

What we would all be
if the big door inside us flew open.

Don’t tell me not to cry.

To calm it down

Not to be so extreme

I love being a woman and all that entails!

Yummy Yummy dinner!

2010-09-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

This is what I do when I have an evening to myself.

I create delicious meals that are enough for two but meant for one.

That means if someone shows up I could share but if they don't show, oh man, then I get to eat it ALL!
This particular dish was very easy and very fast, all together about 20 minutes or so.

I'm not very good at writing down my recipes and in all reality I probably never will be good at it.

For this dinner I only had to spend about $20 at the store and it fed me twice that night as well as lunch the next day. I adapted it from another blog I love- http://www.autumnwades.blogspot.com/

Ingredients needed-

Salmon- how ever much you want to eat! I cooked two 6oz fillets
broccoli head- seperated into smaller pieces
grape or cherry tomatoes- a small pint or little flat works fine
4-6 Mushrooms- totally optional and sliced
1 shallot- minced
4 cloves garlic-minced
noodles- whole grain rotini works great
Olive Oil
2 Lemons
Basil
Sourdough baguette

I also used some italian herb paste I happened to have in my fridge. You can buy it in the produce isle in a little tube.

Preheat oven to 375 F for your salmon and start a pot of water for your noodles. Season salmon with olive oil, salt and pepper, and whatever else you enjoy. (I think I added a sprinkle of garlic powder and a sprinkle of dried dill as well). Next, place salmon, skin side down, in a baking dish lined in foil and then place a few tabs of butter, then basil, then lemon slices on top of the salmon ( I also added a quick splash of white wine into the pan with the fish). Bake 15-20 minutes depending on thickness.
While Salmon is baking and water is starting to boil, heat about 3 tablespoons of olive oil in a medium to large size pan on medium high heat. Add shallots, garlic and mushrooms and stir around until mushrooms start to get soft. Add in tomatoes, turn heat to med-low and cover until tomatoes look ready to burst. The tomatoes will act as your sauce when they start to burst and get stirred together with everything else.
Throw pasta in the salted boiling water and cook to al dente. While that is simmering, slice a few thin slices of bread and coat in olive oil, set aside.
Check on tomatoes and season with salt, pepper, italian herbs of your choosing. I squeezed lemon juice in and added a few tablespoons of white wine as well.
When noodles are done, use a slotted spoon to transfer directly to the pan with your tomatoes. Use the pasta water to quickly blanch your broccoli until it turns bright green and then add the broccoli to the pan with your noodles. Stir it all together and then add thinly sliced strips of basil. Taste and season more if needed.
Grab another pan and place 2 tbsp butter in the pan w/ a tiny bit of olive oil and melt together with a few thin slices of garlic. Place your bread on top of the garlic slices and toast in the skillet. Flip and toast the other side as well.
Your salmon should be done now so plate it up and serve with some delish wine and some good convo!

This is totally basic and can be changed to almost any season of the year. In the spring and summer you can add green beans and zukes, winter you can add squashes, would be great with sundried tomatoes and olives. Make it your own and taste it as you go. I change everything everytime I make something just so I can learn what I like most.

Let me know what you guys think if you try it out! I made this about 2 weeks ago and tried to just remember what I did. LOL. Next time I will do better and write it all down while doing it and try to be more organized in writing it out for you guys!

Wheeler update!!

2010-09-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

Wheeler is growing up and spoiled as ever! He spends his nights smooshed between me and Cory until he gets sick of me using him as a pillow so then he wiggles to the other side of me and pushes me off my pillow so that he can rest his little head. So spoiled. Now that it is getting colder, he gets wrapped in his own blanket at night too.... an 80 pound dog wrapped up like a burrito. Ridiculous.

He has been way too spoiled lately. He gets better food than we do most nights! I am trying to teach him to cock his head to the side and blink three times for treats! The only problem is it's so damn cute that it kinda encourages begging.

We took him camping with a few friends, their dogs and dirt bikes a few months back. Cory and I got there first and Wheeler loved running with the bikes! A few times he would be fine and not care if Cory took off but then a minute later he would book off to find him. It was very nerve racking! Especially once the other bikes got there. I had to keep pepperoni slices on me to bribe him to stay in the camp! He finally got so worn out he just collapsed. The poor dog who is so stocky he can barely run around the yard is running as fast as the bikes through rocky terrain for upwards of 10 minutes at a time! lol. He was so sore he was literally shaking to stand.

We took him with us for our family picnic as well and what a hassle! He has such horrible seperation anxeity that he freaks out if left alone. He did fine once we got smart adn tied him up with another dog up at the house and away from the commotion.

Maybe it's time for a buddy for the Wheeler dog??

Smile!

2010-09-21T19:33:00.001-07:00

I got a pretty new smile yesterday!

Ever since I was little I always had a huge dent in my tooth just left of my front tooth (which in this picture it is the tooth on the right of my right front tooth). Yesterday I got it filed down and filled in!

I can't believe how much more confident I feel with such a minor adjustment! I know no one else has probably even realized the difference but to me, it's like a whole new world!

You know when you have a tiny pimple that no one else sees but it makes you so unsure and uncomfortable? That was me with this tooth except mine didn't go away in a week. It stayed for years!

It's all gone now and I am so much closer to my dream smile! I have a few cleanings left and then I'm off to get them white! I can't wait for the day that I can smile with absolute confidence and gorgeous teeth!

Small teeth and big gums but they will be healthy and white! -the teeth, the gums will be healthy and pink!

Well damn it!

2010-09-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

I have to admit something.

I am cheating on all of you.

I have another blog that I update often. I feel like I can open myself up more and use it as more of a therapeutic blog.

I'm sorry. It's like an emotional affair. I won't do you wrong anymore.

At least, I'll try not to.
I am now on Fall break! If you can call it that. It only lasts about 2 weeks and it already seems to be flying by! Spring quarter I pulled off two B's and an A. I think that is pretty good but at the same time I know I didn't even try and that it could have been much better. Summer quarter grades are not in yet but I think it will be the same with two B's and an A. I know I can do better if I stop procrastinating on everything! I am just going to have to make sure I keep my ass in check so that I can have the highest GPA possible at the end of Fall quarter, my last quarter!
My summer has flown by with no activities that really made it feel like summer. I didn't get to go on a boat, didn't go to the river, nor did I go camping more than once. I didn't get to the Gorge, I didn't have a BBQ, and I feel like I missed all of summer. School three nights a week really took the cake this year!

Fall is trying to come say hello but for whatever reason the heat has been hanging on making it humid, rainy, foggy, sticky, and too hot!

I'm looking forward to decorating for fall, carving pumpkins, costumes and turkey planning! I love this time of year and am ready for it to start!

I normally I love fall weather with the rain and fog. But I like CRISP fall weather! I don't like this humid crap that makes it hard to move with out breaking into a sweat!

Confessions: Take 2

2010-09-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

I'm happiest when my world is in order.

I'm not OCD about it but I love things in their proper places at the proper times.

My morning starts out perfect if the bathroom floor is clean of lint, hair, and grime.

I love when my toilet is sparkling white without the pink hard water ring of gooey yuckiness staring up from the bowl.

The cherry on top is when I have a fresh shower liner, sparkling walls and a perfectly scrubbed bathtub to stand in.

Now that is just for the first ten minutes of my day! It gets even better when all my shoes are lined up in the closet waiting for me to pick them while my tops hang above them in perfect order; from tank top to long sleeve and each section by color.

I love opening my sock drawer to perfectly rolled socks and my panty drawer with everything in order.

I hate digging thru piles of clean socks for matching socks.

I hate brushing my teeth while a dirty sink with shavings in it stares up at me. YUCK

Well, what this ends up doing is setting my day up for failure or success. I don't think it should be that way and so I am making steps to start every day on a great note by being more organized!

I got a basket for the bathroom to hold the magazines, bath bombs, baby wipes and tampons that always clutter the back of the toilet and around the floor of the toilet.

I bought a few cheap shower liners at walmart so I can switch them out when the bottom gets grimy.

I'm doing a quick scrub down with the toilet brush when that water ring forms and I'm looking into tablets I can put in the back to soften the water.

I have a huge canister of Lysol wipes that I grab to do quick wipe downs of the counters, walls, and floors.

So far so good.

My kitchen has been rearranged a total of 8 times in the past 1 1/2 years and I think I finally found a way that works for me and feels clean, open and organized.

My living room has been changed around to feel more comfortable and cozy, while my downstairs bathroom is finally put together with a theme and I love it!

I have a dining room table that has become a 'catch-all' and that is my next mission- organize the bills upstairs to my desk and make my table for EATING at!

I feel like I have my house primed to start working for me and feeling like a home. I can't wait for school to be over so books, papers, knives, aprons, and the smell of onions can leave my living room for good!

Now if I can find a way to calm my road rage on my 75 minute commute every morning.....

Summa Summa Summa time.....

2010-08-31T15:43:00.000-07:00

August always seems to be such a crazy busy month. I feel like everyone holds off on all their summer plans until August.

Now, I don't know if this is just because in the Pacific NW it seems to be a better bet for weather or if people just like to slowly wade into their summer. Step by step entering into the crazy whirlpool of summertime living.

July seems to be the lazy month. The month we go with the flow and take our time with making plans and being more last minute and spontaneous. July is the month that you get to grab some friends and head up to a river somewhere for a few days. You get to call everyone over for a impromptu BBQ. You can lay on the top of the sheets in bed with fans blowing in all directions for as long as you like. Sleeping in on weekends is a given. Wonderfully warm mid-afternoon naps on the couch. You take advantage of EVERY SINGLE nice day outside.

Then Comes August!

If you are like me, your entire fridge is covered in invitations to Bridal Showers, Baby Showers, Bachelorette Parties, Wedding Showers, Weddings, Birth Announcements, Birthdays, Family reunions, Family BBQ's..... Every weekend is packed to the max and every spare second of the work week is filled with baking, cooking, cleaning, shopping for said events.

If July is the Lazy month then August is the Over Achiever of the bunch.

August tries to cram it all in.

I think August forgets that there is still 11 more months in the year besides her. In Washington, September can be just as nice and agree-able as August. Why can't she share with her?

Today is the last day of August and I couldn't be happier! I'm ready for the slower pace of life. I'm ready for the cozy weather, the baking, the twinkle lights, the fog, the crisp air, the golden colors.

As much as I adored my brother's wedding, the family picnic, my best friend from middle school's bridal shower, and all the other amazing things I was able to witness in the month of August, I'm ready for my September. I'm even MORE ready for my favorite month of all time!!!

October are you ready for me?!?!

Confessions, take one

2010-08-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

I am about 6 days late for this post... What can I say?

I really didn't want to have to post anything about what I want to better in my life because then I actually have to make an effort at making it better. You know?

Like, don't talk about it; be about it?

So, I was going to start this off very lightly. Kinda a watered down version of what I am wanting to make better. But what the heck is the point of that???

My first confession is that I am in debt.

My debt isn't fun debt either.

It's not because I have credit cards to buy fancy clothes or dinners.

It's not because I have a nice car with some cool wheels and stereo.

It's not because I take awesome vacations or have a wii or an ipod or go tanning every damn day.

NOPE! Not this ladies debt!

My debt is boring debt. I am in debt because I was more interested in giving prior boyfriends and myself a good life. I was more interested in making sure our rent was paid, the water was paid, some food in the cupboards and his payments made when he was unemployed.

Instead of budgeting wisely, like I do when I am single, I would use whatever money I had to make the men around me more comfortable and happy. So the debt I carry now is from not making those payments on a $400 doctor bill, not paying the $60 on a power bill, not making the payments on a loan that I stupidly took out at 19 "just because I was pre-approve".

My debt is the result of poor planning. My credit score is a reflection of that. I also move a lot. When you move a lot, you don't receive statements and at 20 years old, things that are out of sight tend to be out of mind. I have been working hard on my credit for the past 2 years. I have been so close to getting things cleared up and then right when I start to see light on the other side something creeps up that I had no clue about.

I'm in a flare up at this moment. I received a call at my work about a garnishment that would be against me. i had no clue what the heck this could be about and so I check my credit. BOOM!

I had just checked my credit report about 6 months ago and it was no where near where it is now. Things that I thought were taken care of are back with a vengeance. Things that I was promised would not be my debt are now negatively affecting me. For THOUSANDS of dollars. These are no longer measly little things that made it to collections because I wasn't paying attention. These are things that are affecting me because of miscommunication, because of "lost faxes", because the creditors have lost paperwork.

My goal is a long-term goal. I am planning on having every cent of debt, except for my school debt, cleared up in the next 11 months.

I see no reason that I can not do this. My life may be boring for a year but that is OK. It's worth it.

I want to be married and with children in the next 7 years and me clearing my debt will allow that to happen. It will place me in a better position to be able to move forward with my life. I will be able to start saving for my retirement and my children. I will be in a better position for buying a house when that time comes. I will be able to feel more confident about myself.

That is why I am doing this. I need to have the confidence back that I deserve with my finances.

It will be a long year and a tough journey but I'm sure I'll learn a few good tricks up my sleeve as I go.

One Year Blogiversary!!

2010-08-19T15:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the official day.... ONE YEAR of half-ass blogging.

I found a few new blogs that have inspired me so much in the past few days. The only problem is that I couldn't stop reading them.
I read all the way back to when they started the damn blogs! Some of those were in 2006 some in 2007 all of them posted at least weekly.
That's a lot of blog reading! Which, in turn, means less writing on my blog!!

The past year has brought so many little changes I don't even know where to start and in reality they may bore you with how minute they are. I have done posts on where I was a year ago a few times on here. Since those posts not much major has happened though...

I am still at Eastside Harley and still love it here.

I am still in school until December.

My and the monkey man still love each other more and more each day.

We still live in the same great house with our Roommate, JJ, and our pup pup, Wheeler.

We still have Seahawk Season tickets and we still have too much crap!.

All in all, Ii don't feel like much has happened in the past year. I know it has. I know we have changed individually and as a couple. I know my faith in myself and us and God has gone through every hill and valley it can go through.

But in the end, it's all the same.

I don't know how to feel about that in all honesty.

I'm so used to constant change. I'm used to moving every year. I'm used to getting a new job every year or every other year. I'm used to breaking up and getting back together multiple times. I'm used to turmoil.

I just realized that now I need to make my change positive. It doesn't need to be life shattering change.

I can switch up my gym routine. I can re-arrange the house. I can start painting for the house. I can start cooking more with my own versions and start trusting myself more. I can start going for walks. I can start turning off the TV and turning on the music more.

Have I ever told you how much I hate the TV? I would love to not have one in the house. I would love to save that $100.00 a month and to just have music always on. I would love to dance more. I would love to talk more. I would love to just have silence more!

Do you ever think about that?

If you get rid of the TV it forces your butt to get moving. Leave the house. Do something...

Anyways....

I'm going to look at this one year anniversary as a "New Year"...
Time for some resolutions!!

Every week I am going to do a confession type of post. I'm going to let you know one thing that I really want to change in myself to make my life run a little smoother. I have a few ideas in mind but I am going to need you guys to keep me accountable for these little goals. I'll be posting my first one tomorrow!!

Oh and by the way..... My brother is getting married on Saturday!!!

Frustration mounts.....

2010-08-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

Oh man, does it mount!

So many things right now that are adding to the high possibility of myself having a heart attack before the age of 25! One of which happens to be this damn blog layout! I have tried everything to take that damn 'shabby blog' button off my posts and to go back to a simple layout. But NOOOOOOOOO!!! The damn thing is stuck the way it is and it grates on me horribly.

Nothing about the layout of this blog is comforting to me. Or clean. Or makes me want to spend time trying to browse through it all. So I know it can't be that wonderful for you guys! It needs an overhaul!

Besides the layout of the darn Shabby Blogs blog, I am also dealing with a few other stresses these days.

The most of which being about money.

Money, money, money baby!

Isn't that what it always seems to be about? Does that ever end?   ;p

Between all the fun new things that seem to be creeping up on my credit from out of nowhere and the schooling I choose to do, I'm in a tough spot! I am very grateful of the fact that I am in school at least, and that I do have pretty decent moral support behind me. That helps me remember it's not all over. I still have someone to help feed me if I need it!

I am about $9,000 in the hole right now, not including school. I have about $5,000 of that being settled down to a little under $3,000 at monthly payments of $250 for the next 12 months. Ouch! But it will take a huge chunk of debt off my shoulders. All of the other debt is being disputed and fought. Only time will tell that outcome. My credit score is not as disastrous as I expected though!

I need to remember through all of this that, yes, it is easy to blame it on past people in my life but it is still my responsibility. Yes, it sucks that a tiny miscommunication between two people can result in one person being hit with a debt of $2,500 out of nowhere and to now be garnished for it, but it's a fact of life I suppose. It teaches you to be more aware and in control of your own financial destiny.

Now that I am getting older, I am actually looking forward to owning a home with the man I love. I'm looking forward to, in the future, having babies and being able to buy them what they need when they need it. I'm looking forward to being able to feel comfortable with going to the grocery store and not pinching pennies too tightly. I'm very much looking forward to driving a car that I don't need to have loaded with 2 liters of water and a 5 gallon jug of oil in the back 'just in case'. Oh, how I ever look forward to that!

And it will happen! I promise you and me that. It will happen to me. Do you want to know why??
Because i see it, I want it, and I am prepared to struggle for it.

In all things of life, that right there is what you need to understand. if there is something you want different in your life, all you have to do is start seeing it differently. Stop seeing everything as obstacles people! Everything can be an opportunity for growth. You just have to actually be ready for it.

now that I updated you all on the biggest thing that is sitting in my heart and mind, I got lots more good news to come!!! I have 4 weddings in the next 2 months! I have my family picnic, Cory's birthday, and my favorite time of the year coming up!   keep checking back for updates on the craziness to come!

~ much love!

Brief, my ass.

2010-08-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

Warning..... I started this post back at the start of March. Since then I have 3 more posts that haven't made it in to the blog. I really enjoyed re-reading this one and think I need to share it with you all! So here is a glimpse into my mind on March 4th 2010....

I have started three posts since my last post. None of those three have made it to the 'Publish Post' button. Part of this is because I quit half way thru whatever I was writing and part of it was that I just wasn't 'feeling' it.

Life has been pretty sweet and pretty standard. I don't really feel like much has happened that is blog-worthy. But, you don't read this for award winning stories do you? You read this to get to know me and my daily hoopla. So, with that in mind I will overview with you my life in the past 3 weeks!

I DID make those sweet little Valentine's for my church family and they were devoured! I, sadly, did not get to try the fresh raspberry cupcakes with almond ganache and fresh raspberries for garnish. I hear they were absolutely delicious though! I did get to try the red velvet whoopie pies and the birthday cake cookie sandwiches! Oh I love cherry chip cake mix!

Our Valentine's was pretty laid back. I went to church and BF slept in. When I got home we tried to go to the Buzz Inn for lunch and it was so bad we actually walked out after 3 bites. That put a damper on the mood and we just laid in bed and watched Weeds for a few hours. For dinner we went to Rory's in Edmonds for dinner with his parents and it was a blast! We tried to go out to a movie afterwards and that was a no-chance-in-hell! The line was so long!!!

The rest of the week was busy as usual with school and work... work and school. Than that Saturday it was party time!!!

I had my bday party at the Cactus Moon Saloon, which is kinda like my family bar. It was so much fun! I rocked it with my huge patent leather stillettos and my acid wash grey skinny jeans with zippers up the sides!

Man, I love the '80's!!!

I had so many great friends come out, it was amazing! Stephanie C. from high school made a guest appearance, which was awesome and so so so sweet of her! I had Josh J. show up and hang out with strangers the entire night! Marin and Mike graced us with their awesomeness, even though my poor Marin was sick! Almost all my Cylce Barn friends came and said hi, same with my Mosaic family. It was a very special night for me to have everyone there mingling together and meeting BF.

I even made a special 'Penis' table to fit everyone at and it was a HIT!

I don't remember too much for the remainder of the evening but I know it was a good time had by all!

The next morning I had to dig myself out of bed and climb in the truck because we were off to Ellensburg to get me a JEEP!

Once we got there, we relaxed and shot guns and ate some food and then hit the sack early to be able to get our booties on the road the next day. It was a lonely drive down a twisty pass with just me and my dog and the world ahead of us..... Sorry just had to do it!

The Jeep ran great and got decent gas mileage. I got home safe and sound and spent the rest of the day polishing up the inside so it would be all purdy for me.

The rest of the week was business as usual, except I missed BF so much it was crazy!

We drove seperately to work, then I left to go to school and by the time I got home he was in bed! I felt like I hadn't even seen or talked to him in days! He tries to wait up for me now so that I can say hi and tell him about my day. Starting this month we will have seperate days off and I'm gonna miss the shit outta that boy! I know it will be 'good for us' but I don't see how what we were doing before was 'bad' for us?! Our love will just get stronger I suppose.

This past weekend I went and spent some very much needed time with my Grandma and my Grandpa Randy. I love visiting them one on one. I think the relationships with your parents and grandparents just get better with every passing year.

I remember when visiting my grandma meant trips to IGA and velvet fill-in-the-lines posters and trips to the Bellis Sqaure Mall for gravy-covered french fries. I remember when it meant days worth of Costco croissants and Squirt sodas. Trips to grandma's meant laying in front of the tv watching Pretty Woman and Dirty Dancing and trying to act out the 'lifts' from DD. It meant eating cashews and beef jerky until you think you might die and trips to Costco for large quantities of food that you never think you can eat. It meant time with my girl cousins and matching outfits. Visiting grandma was always a weekend long trip and always included Laura and KJ or at least one of them.

Now that some time has passed by it is a totally different story. I'm pretty sure I dropped a f-bomb or two and I know for a fact I said shit more than 3 times. Our language isn't the only thing to change though. The topics become more interesting and you get to see actual glimpses into the minds of the people that helped shape who you are today.

When you are young, politics and religion tend to be sheilded from you. At least the truth of them do. Sure you know who the president is and if your parents like them or not. You know the white house dog or cat and you know the story of Jonah and the big whale/fish thing. You know the basics and the safe stories. But when you get older you get to know the truth behind those. You get to use your mind and determine for your self what you think and believe.

Ever since I turned about 18 or so I look forward to one on one visits with my grandma. I don't have to hide anything from her anymore and she doesn't need to shelter me anymore. We can argue about our points of view on subjects of all kinds and we can learn new things from each other. It was such a wonderful visit and I really wish I didn't have to leave to cook dinner for the boys back at home!

But I have boys to take care of and so I headed home and cooked a delicious salmon dinner with garlic-dill mashed potatoes and it was yummy! Monday night we had the most fabulous pork carnitas ever! BF gave me my first ever '10' rating and roomie gave me a '12'. It is now our Monday night dinner from now until forever!

Oh My!

2010-04-30T14:04:00.000-07:00

Well I am now in my second half of second quarter and it's taking it's toll on me!
I have ZERO energy!
I have LOTS of extra Tummy wiggle!!
I have MORE debt adding up with each quarter!

I just keep hoping that this will all be worth it in the long run.

I realized last week that I can't do it all. It's a tough thing to realize about yourself.
I had a really hard time coming to terms with it and it broke me down.

I came home from a day of work and school, knowing that I had online homework to do as well and it was already 11pm. I looked at my house and it was in complete despair. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and just headed to bed.

I woke up to my house the exact same as I left it.

I had a weeks worth of dishes piled up, my luggage from my trip to Cali still open and full on my bedroom floor, my couch covered in all my school crap, uniforms, towels, papers everywhere! I had bills that haven't been opened in weeks all over the kitchen counter mixed in with ads and spam. Dust covered every inch of every surface. Laundry was at least 3 weeks behind. Bills were going on 2 months behind. The yard was looking like a crazy safari with doggie trenches and landmines everywhere.

It was a perfect picture of that show about when humans finally leave this world. You know the one where they break it down from day 1 all the way to the earth reclaiming her magical land?

It was bad. And I couldn't handle it.

So, I picked up the kitchen and made a big breakfast for me and the bf! We had homemade pancakes with boysenberry syrup, hashbrowns and delish BACON!!

After I stuffed my face I went back in to the kitchen and it just looked worse for wear. I was defeat yet again.

SO, I went to church! I came home and it was still there!

So, I took BF up to Arlington to pick up his truck and then I headed to Target for some much needed supplies! I came home with a seed starter greenhouse kit, lots of seeds for herbs and veggies, some doggy bones, and about 3 boxes of swiffer dusters.

I got home and..... IT WAS STILL THE SAME WAY!! except I also had the BF's parents waiting for me.

SO not the day for me to have patience or people over. I was mean and rude and short and a bitch the whole day. I ignored them and just continued to clean my house like they were not even there. I got the whole downstairs done, the laundry done, the seeds planted and the kitchen clean.

I then advised the BF that I can't do it alone anymore. I can't go to school, go to work, be a homemaker and still nurture our relationship the way it deserves it. Cleaning that house, making the meals, doing the grocery shopping and paying the bills and keeping up on 4 classes while working was too much for me. I had reached my limit.

Thank God I have a very understanding BF.

That was last week. This is this week.

My couch is covered in school crap. My coffee table is under a pile somewhere, I just know it! That luggage is still open and on the floor. My yard is open for jungle tours Sunday from 1pm- 8pm. The kitchen sink is full, the counter is sticky, and make sure you keep your shoes on because my floors are feeling a bit revengeful since they have been neglected for so long.

BUT!!! My bills are caught up, my homework is caught up, my seeds are sprouting and I get the weekend ALL BY MYSELF!!!! That's right! I get Saturday and Sunday to myself! No BF, no roomies, just me the dog and that box of Swiffer dusters!

Oh, and the weed killer spray, the lawnmower, the washing machine, the vacuum, the mop, the dryer, the scrubbing bubbles for bathroom scum, the leftover half a papa Murphy's pizza and cheesy bread wheel, the doggy nail clippers, the puppy shampoo, and boxes and boxes of clothes and junk to go to goodwill. I may also throw in a can of paint if there is time!

HELLO spring cleaning!

School

2010-03-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

I took my finals this week.

Got a 99.74% all in all in my Concepts class.... LAME!

Stupid .27% was because I missed 2 questions on the final. Oh well! Such is life!

I still passed both classes with A's and that is pretty damn shocking. I know next quarter will be a shock and I hear it's not quite as laid back as first quarter. I'm sure I will keep you all updated on that progress as it happens.

After finals a few of us went out for some beverages and had some good laughs. I'm so happy that I will still have classes with all these people!

They are like family. Some days you can't stand them and they rub every nerve wrong but normally it's just your own damn fault for not having caffiene or enough sugar that day. We all learned each others moods and how to work around them.

Looking forward to next quarter when we have 3 hours to produce a 6 course meal every day.

Hopefully we can come out of that class still respecting and liking each other!

I need to

2010-03-14T14:54:00.000-07:00

I know I need to do another "Update" post but until then I want to share with you something I read today. I found it on a blog that I check every month or so. The woman is an amazing writer and this hit me to the core.... I noticed the shiver running up my spine and the chills scrambling down my arms.

http://msjwrites.blogspot.com/2010/02/until.html

In so many ways this hits me.

I am proud to say that my outcome is much different than this writer. I have learned to forgive and move on. To not harden my heart anymore for things that were in the past. It can become toxic.

I have embraced my past and forced myself to stare it in the eye and tell it I won't let it have another second of my time, another chunk of my heart, or another drop of my tears.

I now have a solid relationship with the one who gave me my hands. My hands are a constant reminder of her and I like it that way.

Cupid's Arrow, Birthday wishes, Sick boys...

2010-02-13T12:06:00.000-08:00

So I had my midterms for both my kitchen class and my lecture. I passed both. This culinary school isn't too hard right now. I don't know if that is just because it's only the first quarter or if maybe it's easy because it's something I enjoy so much? Either way I am happy about doing it. It gives me a sense of purpose and achievement. I look forward to where it will take me in my lifetime. I just wish for $20k it would be a bit more in-your-face intense.

I had my birthday this week. It was on Thursday.

I woke up not feeling very birthday-ey and then BF got very very sick. Violently sick. He stayed home from work but I still had to go.

There went any plans of a nice birthday lunch or surprise at work.

I spent an hour in traffic to work because I couldn't carpool.

I almost cried 3 times at work because it was 'just one of those days'.

I then sat in stopped traffic on the 520 bridge for an hour to get to school.

I appreciate school so much. I got there, changed into my chef's uniform and was transformed. I forgot all my shit that was in my head and just got to work. The kitchen just let's you leave everything at the door when you walk in. I was a bit short tempered with my team but they are so great and just understood.

We got out very early and so a few of us went and grabbed a beer at Buckley's in Seattle and just chatted. It was so nice to have a chance to actually get to know the people I spend so much time with 3 days a week.

I got home and BF was still very sick and so I climbed in bed and went to sleep. Not much of a 24th birthday but that's ok. Next Saturday is my party and I have every intention of making up for it!

BF is still sick. Going on day 3 now. He refuses to go to the doctor and I just keep praying he'll get better soon and be back to his old self. Because of this, I'm pretty certain this Valentine's day will be very low-key and a stay-at-home kinda day. I did offer to cook a nice dinner for him and he mentioned he was thinking about taking me out to eat, like lunch or something. We'll see if he's feeling up to it.

My outlook is much better today than it has been lately. I decided to just stop dwelling on little details that may mean nothing to anyone and are just bringing me down.

I decided not to let myself drown in that pool of over-analyzing, jealousy and doubt. It just sucks you deeper down with every rotation of that hamster wheel.

I self-medicated last night with some great retail therapy and have never felt prettier. I will continue that self medication tonight with baking and packaging sweet little valentine's day cookies for church tomorrow! I even stole some cute vintage valentines off of Bakerella's site http://www.bakerella.com/ to attach to the cookies. I can't wait to get home and start on it!

I hope you all have a great weekend, whether it's treating yourself to much needed self love or spending it with your hunny bunny. Love to you all and peace out motha trucker!

Mid-terms, mid-winter, mid-month, mid-dreary....

2010-02-04T15:39:00.000-08:00

Tonight I have midterms. It will be my first test that I have to pass on my culinary journey.

It is also the first test I have taken in 5 years.

It has to do with memorizing ingredients and methodology.

No biggie. I was in drama once.

I can do this thing.

It really is almost the exact same. You read the recipe, read the method. Then you write the ingredients down with out looking. Then check to make sure you got them all. If you do then you continue to write the methodology or procedure down. Now check that.

Bam! All done!

You would be amazed at how quickly you can memorize something when you do it that way!

See, we have to have mayo/hollandaise and bechamel/veloute down perfectly. We will draw out of a hat to see which ones we will make. We have to make one of each. Then we have our group practical. We have to make beef consomme and some sort of to-be-determined cream or puree vegetable soup. With no recipe.

It's a lot to take in. And we need to make sure we watch our waste when doing our vegetable cuts and make sure the final product is perfectly everything. Perfectly seasoned, perfectly pourable, perfectly plate-able.

All this and it's February. The groundhog saw his shadow.

We have 6 more weeks of winter.

Only one problem though. WE HAVEN'T HAD A WINTER!!!

January's 2010 weather for Seattle brought unseasonably warm temperatures, mostly cloudy skies, and a lot of rain after a very cool, partly cloudy, and relative dry December. There were twenty-seven days in January with cloudy sky conditions and four days with partly cloudy sky conditions. This was the warmest January on record for Seattle with an average temperature of 47.0 degrees --- the previous warmest January was in 2006 with an average temperature of 46.6 degrees. The normal average temperature for Seattle in January is 40.9 degrees.

So we had rain. Nothing big. Nothing to warrant flood concerns or anything like that. But we didn't get snow. We didn't get freezing temps after early December. We haven't had a really bad winter storm at all.

We have even had nice sunny days in the past month. All this is throwing all of us out of alignment.

Everyone is tired. Everyone is fighting a sickness. Everyone is getting irratable.

We need the sun to come out and stay a while before we all start raiding the closest pharamacy for some Prozac!

I have been beyond tired lately. I'm sure I'm still getting used to the new schedule my life has taken.

I've been getting sick too. If I don't eat constantly I get nausea. It's horrible and I hate it! I know it's because I'm not drinking enough water but it does make me nervous that maybe I have a slight blood sugar issue. I'm self medicating with chocolate, salty snacks and lots of water. I'll keep you all posted.

Other than all that fun stuff.... Life has been good to me.
I'm looking forward to spring and all the beautiful things that brings to the Pacific Northwest.

The tulip festival, the outdoor concerts, the Harley rides, the camping, the dirt bike riding, the dog beach days, the sun still shining past 5pm.

Good things are coming and I'm so ready to take advantage of it all this year!

Oh and by the way, it's my birthday in 6 days and 8 hours. :)

Poor Tongue!

2010-01-28T16:46:00.000-08:00

Tonight will mark my third week and 6th night in culinary school.

Tonight will be the 3rd Thursday I walk up the street and smell the Puget Sound with excitement in my tummy and my recipes on my mind.

Tonight will also mark the 6th day that I have put my tongue thru hell.

Pure hell.

The kind of hell where there are crazy demon men poking at puddles of fire .

One of the girls in my group constantly cuts herself. She cut her finger on day one, she cut her finger on day 3, i think she cut her finger on day4, she cut her finger practicing at home, she cut her finger on day 5.

It's now a on going joke and has gotten a bit ridiculous.

I haven't cut my finger. Nope. Not yet at least.

I'll tell ya what I HAVE done though!

Day 1: burnt the tip of my tongue on stock

Day2: Burnt the tip of my tongue on stock

Day 3: Burnt the tip of my tongue on Espagnole and Veloute

Day 4: Burnt the tip of my tongue on Tomato sauce.

Day 5: the tip is no longer burnable, I think it has been subjected to too much in the past 2 weeks and is now rebelling against me. So, I burnt the MIDDLE of my tongue on minestrone, white beans, french onion, and Black bean puree.

I feel so accomplished!

My tongue now has the EXACT same texture as a cat.

It now has the EXACT same look as a cat tongue.

I have yet to start cleaning myself with it, but I have a feeling after week 8 it might just make the best exfoliator in town!

It hurts, it hurts real bad-like.

I don't think I can taste anything anymore. I don't think I can EAT anything anymore!

Tonight I'm making consomme and chicken waterzooi.

Tonight I may just burn my tongue again. Why ruin a tradition?

I suppose these are the times I should be thankful that the BF isn't big into making out.

I suppose now is the time to stay away from citrus.

I suppose I should finally learn how to blow properly.

Um, yeah... Disregard that last comment.

I suppose now is the time I should learn how to let things cool a tad before tasting.

Other than my tongue pretending to be a cat tongue and full of hell fire, I love school.

I decided it last night and so I think you all should know.

I love it! I adore it! I am meant to do this right now in my life.

So here is my love to your smooth, cool tongues and may you forever appreciate the pale pink tenderness that is your sweet innocent tasting tongue!

Hectic Hectic!

2010-01-26T16:15:00.000-08:00

So, I always said that I don't want to work in a kitchen.

I don't want to be a cook or a chef. I don't want to waste my nights sweating and producing food for countless people if I can't be there to do it for the ones I love.

So why in the heck am I spending $20,000.00 to do just that for the next year of my life?

This is week 3 of my culinary journey at the Art Institute. So far I have made beef, chicken, fish and vegetable stock. I have made bechamel, veloute, espagnole, tomato, hollandaise, mayo, buerre blanc, and demi glace.

This here is my lovely hollandaise with fresh tarragon.... I proceeded to eat ALL of this by myself with a ton of roasted veggies and french fries....at 10:40pm

My hands have a constant smell of grease, onion, carrot, and celery to them for about 6 days out of the week. My dreams normally consist of one or more of the former recipes being made.

In the three weeks I have been to school, I have cooked approximately 4 dinners, two breakfasts, packed 2 lunches and baked once at home.

I have desire to do it normaly on Sundays or Mondays. But those are the only two days I want to step foot into the kitchen. Although, my kitchen has been staying pretty clean this way!

When I do prepare a quick snack, normally some stoner-version of food I randomly pull out and mix together, I rarely want to clean it up. I want to put it on the counter and go hide in my room. I want to pretend that 1) I never ate whatever crap I just digested and 2) I don't want to wash another dish in my life!

I find myself eating SO much more food!

When all you do is think about, dream about and read about food all you want to do is consume food! I can eat a HUGE dinner and a few cookies for dessert then go upstairs to do homework for 20 minutes only to creep back downstairs to steal more food and bring it back up with me so BF doesn't notice!

This has now become an issue!

So, to battle this beast that has been growing inside me, I have decided to invest in a treadmill. I figure if I run while studying it will be harder to sneak food into my mouth. Good plan? I also have been spending 10-15 minutes every morning stretching. That is mainly so I can keep my body from wanting to wilt away after 13 hour days 3 days a week. I'm also trying to just drink water whenever the hunger hits. It has been hard! Chewing ice seems to work though!

I tried drinking as much coffee as possible to keep the hunger at bay, let me tell ya that was a horrible idea!!!

So today will be day 1 of week 3. I am off to school.

Let's hope I can still fit thru doors at the end of this year.

Oh what a year can do...

2010-01-19T15:11:00.001-08:00

This morning I woke up thinking about where I have come in the past year. It's a thought that stumbled into my head just as randomly as anything else. There was nothing to provoke it and nothing to remind me of it. It just decided to weasel it's way in until I finally sat down and paid it some attention. This time last year was exactly a month before I got fired from a very nice job I had as a client service representative. This time last year was when my drinking and partying got to an absolutely ridiculous new low...high? Well, when it got to be way too much. This time last year around November was when I let a boy that had already taken advantage of my mind, heart and body once before, back into my life without considering the outcome of that decision. This time last year is when I had no self respect, no self worth, no self confidence left in me to fight the fight I needed to fight. About this time last year is when I met an inspirational young man into my life to help me start putting the pieces together. Since that time I have accomplished so much that I am so proud of. Since this time last year I have changed my number and my address in order to get the people out of my life that didn't deserve to be in it. Since this time last year I have moved out of that apartment and into a house with a new puppy and a new man. Since this time last year I have almost gotten a good grip on my finances, not including this month! Since this time last year I have a new job that I love working as a barista at a Harley shop in Bellevue. Since this time last year I am now able to take on any challenge that comes my way with more confidence than ever before. I know what I am worth now and I am worth so much more than I ever gave myself credit for in the past. Since this time last year I have been with BF for almost a year now and faithfully so. Since this time last year I have found my faith in God again and can now see him in everything around me. Since this time last year I have enrolled in college at the Art Institute of Seattle for my diploma in The Art of Cooking. Since this time last year I have found incredible peace in my life. Everything is not perfect and I have many struggles to deal with almost daily. Right now I'm working full time, going to school 3 days a week after work until 11pm and looking for a second part-time job because I can't afford my rent and tuition. That is a huge stress but I am not to be deterred. I will be able to make it work if I keep at it hard and long enough. BF and I have issues like any other couple. We argue about what to eat most the time, but now that we have been together and living together for about a year, other things are starting to make their way to the surface slowly but surely.With that we are making sure we are prepared for those conversations by understanding how we communicate together. I realize that because we have had such a blessed and easy going relationship, it may bite us in the butt since we are ill-prepared for how to communicate together about serious issues. There are things I need to focus on more in order to keep my life in balance. I am trying to make sure I spend at least 10 mins in the morning stretching my body. I try to make a point of making it to church almost every Sunday. I haven't been in 4 weeks and I can feel the emptiness taking place in my heart. I can't wait for Friday night so I can catch up with the podcast from my pastor. I am trying to pay more attention to my finances and keep myself on budget. I am also trying to make sure I go to bed in a clean and organized room every night so I wake up with thing in their proper place. All in all, this past year has been very sweet to me and I don't take one bit of it for granted. I appreciate the hard years prior because they gave my the wisdom I needed to realize how great life can be. With out those experiences I don't know if I would be making the decision that are so right for me right now. So, in closing, a year can be rough on you and make you want to give up. A year can tear you down and make it seem like you're spiraling down a big well and will surely hit the bottom with no escape. Just always remember, a year can be sweet to you as well. A year can give you many foot holes to use and climb your way up and out. It just all depends on the path you decide to take. Be defeated, defiant, and stuck at the bottom of that well. Or make your own way out with determination, faith and hard work.

Update!

2010-01-14T11:14:00.000-08:00

So.... It's been awhile.

In that while I have had one of my favorite Chrstmas' to date.

I have had a perfect start to the new year with Cory and I ordering pizza and relaxing.

I had my dad, mom, and little bro in town for all of last weekend and it was amazing.

I started college. I started college. Still kinda crazy to say.

I have started classes at the Art Institute of Seattle for Culinary Arts. Unfortunately I am not able to financially afford to go for a degree program as of this moment so I am doing the Diploma program which is just as great. I Started on Tuesday with my lecture class and Wednesday/Thursdays are my cooking classes. I love my instructors, well, so far at least! My cooking group is made up of 2 other guys and another girl. They all seem like hard workers and passionate about this. So far we are making a great team and I'm excited to see how far we can go together in this whole little adventure we are on.

In our first little quiz we already took home 1st place and we nagged the perfect table, table one! Our table is where all the demos are done and we are used for examples and things like that. I love it and don't feel nearly as intimidated as before I stepped into the kitchen. They waste no time and have you get in there right away. I'm expecting to burn myself here very shortly and hopefully I can withhold from cutting myself with my insanely sharp knives!! I would much prefer a burn to a cut. No product waste that way!

I love the feeling of sitting in a classroom for 3 hours and taking notes. I love the organization of putting things in the right place in my binder. I have a box of freshly sharpened #2's in my bag with the cute eraser caps and spongy grip things. I love school supplies! I think I mentioned this in one of my September blogs. It's a weakness of mine. Going to Office Depot and collecting notebooks, a 3 hole punch, pens, pencils, paper, notebooks, a lock. I loved it! Being able to sit on the floor and spread out with my 5 pages of notes from the first hour of class and my text book cracked open is like a slice of heaven for me. I love school. I always have and now I just need to find away to support this new little addiction of mine! We are encouraged to bring our camera into the kitchen to take photos of what we cook and so I can imagine I will start posting the recipes and photos on here to relate what we are doing. For now, I'm off to do some homework!!

A baby rant....

2009-12-24T14:01:00.000-08:00

I think I realized why I don't blog so much. I have this weird thing about talking about my life. I love to talk. I will tell you my life story if you ask. The only thing is, when I'm face to face with you I can understand your reaction to the story. I can sense if you are starting to feel like I'm bragging too much, or trying to draw sympathy. With that, I am able to alter the way I tell my story. I can leave out a few things or opt to make it seem like I'm not too overly sad or excited about something if it is hitting a nerve on you. I realize this because there are a few blogs I follow that tend to let you into the absolute depths of their heart and soul. Those blogs touch you deep down and don't ever make you feel like they are talking themselves up or down. They just feel like a great friend telling you all of their secrets. Some of the other blogs make you just squirmy. You feel like all they are doing is trying to perceive themselves as maybe the person they strive to be secretly but it doesn't seem to click right. It feels like you are talking to a guy at the bar who thinks it's a great idea to let you know how AMAZING you are at your job. Not that you HAVE an amazing job, but that YOU are Amazing at it. Or they put other people down for not being as nice of a person as they are. Well, aren't you just as bad for saying that about them? I just have this feeling that not everyone wants to know about how perfect you are compared to your friends because you are more 'mature' than them. Are you trying to sell yourself on this? Are you trying to impress a boss or a man/woman of interest, or co-worker? What makes you feel like you must put your self up on a pedestal? I ask in this in a curious manner, not an evil spirited way. I truly want to know what makes people tend to do this? We are all guilty of it at some points in our lives. I want to hear about your life and all your experiences! I really want to know how your job is and school or family. I just don't want to read about it in a way that seems negative. I have many other blogs I follow that keep it on a more personal level, something we can all relate to. All in all, I don't have to read those blogs or be a part of those conversations. But I still do because I love being able to know they are all doing well for themselves. It does affect me though. I find myself downplaying my achievements and not wanting to throw them around as much. I find myself limiting what I write about because it might just come off a tad wrong. Like this post. It may sound completely hypocritical because I very well may be making you feel like I am putting down others. I'm not. I still love reading those blogs. The people I follow are not all friends but are all wonderful writers no matter the content. I will always follow them and be interested in their lives because they have opened that door for me and I like the people I see on the other side. The journey thru that threshold may be strained and difficult but once inside, I know it will feel cozy and warm. That is it for now... After tonight though I will let you all in on some very exciting news of mine!!

My Mother.

2009-12-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's been some time. I open this up every day with an intention of writing in it and then just stop. Alot has happened this month and I would like to talk about one of the major things. This month my mother went in the hospital. She went in to the ER on a Wednesday to get a shot for her neck since she has been having some problems with it. After she received the shot she went home and then that Friday, early in the am, she woke up and couldn't move her entire right side. Her partner brought her to the ER in Everett to be looked at. Turns out her neck was worse than expected and she had ruptured two of her discs. She was lookin at either a very long year or so of rehab and drugs or surgery to fix it. My mother has had a tough past when it comes to painkillers and she told the doctors she would not let those rule her life again and opted for surgery. She was told she would have the surgery Monday morning and be out hopefully that Wednesday in time for Thanksgiving. I went and visited with her on Sunday after church to talk and keep her company. She started to get scared as my brother and I started to leave. She began to tell us about her living will and what she was planning on giving us. Mind you this surgery is major and painful but not necessarily life threatening. She was scared and it was starting to show. She had a talk with us about what to do and what she wants in the case of life support or pulling the plug. That conversation was something we tried to make light of but it hits down in your heart somewhere. Somewhere dark and deep. I've had a rough relationship with my mother and expect us to still have our spats ahead of us, but this was hard. This was the first time I remember my mom being in the hospital for something major that could possibly paralyze her or make her brain dead- Your neck has everything running thru it that controls your heart and brain. It's a lot to navigate thru as a doctor I would imagine. Anyways, as she is telling me her wishes all I could do was sit there and think about how many times when I was younger I would wish for her to just go away? How many times was I so upset with her that I would beg and beg for her to not be my mother anymore? What if they came true during this surgery? What kind of guilt would I carry with me for the rest of my life? How could I have ever thought such things about my mother? Austin and I tried to make her laugh and did our best to tell her she was being silly and it would all turn out just fine. And it did. The surgery went well. They had to go thru the front of her neck and take out one of the discs and then place cadaver bones in her neck to help with mobility. My mom was so thoughtful of her guests that she put make up on before surgery that way we would have a pretty face to talk to when she got out. That's my mom for ya. And the doctor was kind enough to put her scar on a natural crease in her neck so it wouldn't be too visible. Cory and I went and saw her Monday after she was out of surgery. It was tough. She could barely talk because, well because she just had her throat sliced open! But she could kind of communicate and was trying to tell us stories about the girls (her grand babies/my nieces) but she just kept repeating herself. She couldn't drink water and we had to let her suck on this little piece of water soaked sponge. It was heartbreaking. She kept wanting me to put chap stick on her. And I did. She showed me her "sexy thigh highs" and was so proud of them. (Sexy thigh highs are really just the nylons the doc makes you wear to help with circulation I think. I know they were issued by the hospital but cute none the less!) She just seemed so helpless. It all reminded me so much of when my Great Grandma Cunningham was in the hospital. She was dieing. She couldn't speak anymore. We had to peel the chapped layers off of her lips. I remember her reaching up and grunting and we all thought she was reaching to the heavens and it was really because she was in pain. Her socks were too tight and cutting off circulation to her feet. It was heart wrenching and way too much for a child my age to take in. It stays with me to this day. And that was all I could think of as I was watching my mom lay there. She looks so much like her grandma. With neck surgery you can't really move your body too much and you have to lay at certain angles so there isn't too much pressure on your neck. Plus, with that much pain medication in your body, you start to get restless leg syndrome. It's very hard to stay still. At one point the nurse came in to give her some medicine. She had to take them orally. We are talking 4 pills that I would have a hard time taking without my throat freshly sliced! First they had to make sure she could swallow water and she was able to...kinda. So then they put this pill in my moms mouth, as it's dry from no drinking! and then give her a bit of water to try to swallow this thing. It was so painful looking and she started to cough. Now just imagine how your throat feels when you have the worst sore throat ever and you cough..... yea.... now times that by like a thousand! But she got through it. I knew she would. Unfortunately she wasn't able to get out until this last Sunday! She missed her niece's 1st birthday and Thanksgiving. I brought her some cinnamon rolls on Thanksgiving but she couldn't really eat still. She was living off of hospital pudding! YUCK!!! She is home now. Home and a good 35 minutes farther away from me. Doesn't seem like much but it is. I can't just grab the truck as easily and head over to visit her. I know she would love to see us all more but that distance is just a lot when you have no car. I'm having these guilty thoughts about how horrible of a daughter I have been. I treat my customers with more respect than I do to my mom on some occasions. I don't even know how many times I have opened my mouth and let negative things ooze out of it about her. I don't know how many times I have explained to people that tell me I seem so much older that it's all because I didn't have the best childhood. It's just all not true. I had a great childhood with what I had. I had a pool, a fruit orchard, a whole hotel to play in, a house full of cousins, a balancing beam, my Lucy dog, a meadow, a tree house, a neighborhood full of kids. My life was as sweet as my mom was able to make it at that time in our lives. I was never hungry. I was never without a roof. I was never without clothes. I had as many stuffed animals as a girl could ask for. My mom did her best and made some mistakes but that's what happens. Now it's time for me to start doing my best as a Daughter.

Oh, cooking! How I love you so!

2009-10-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

Ok so I have a very healthy love for http://www.thepioneerwoman.com/ and Miss Ree Drummond herself. I check her blog daily and constantly scroll thru her gorgeous pictures for hours on end. I want to be like her. I want to have the amazing lodge she has and all of her wonderfully gorgeous china. I want her enameled cast iron dutch ovens in every color. I want a food processor and a KitchenAid mixer to make wonderful food. I want cows pooping on my front porch.... Well, that I could do without! You get the idea though. This woman is a wonderful inspiration with how graceful I think a woman should be. She is a wonderful mother and wife from what she lets on and she still has a great sense of humor. Anyways, she came out with a cookbook and yesterday was the day that it was officially 'In Stock' but I had already preordered it of course! I have Mondays off and was able to catch her segmant on The Bonnie Hunt show and almost cried from how giddy I was with her. You could feel her nervouseness as she began speaking about the fact she wears Spanx because after 4 kids things happen to fall. You can tell she is kicking herself as she is blurting these things out from nervousness. But that is her. Open and quirky and without too much of a care.... BACK ON TRACK..... So Monday I just kept wishing I had her cookbook already! I had pre-ordered it at the begining of September and was planning on cooking all day anyway and just wished I had it. I didn't and so I forged ahead with the recipes I already had and continued to dream about her book. Yesterday I opened my email for the first time in about 2 weeks to see if I had the tracking info for the book. I did! and to my surprise, it was delivered on MONDAY!!! I just hadn't checked the mail! So all day yesterday I waited and waited to get off work.... When the moment happened it was ecstasy! I ripped open that package with abandon! I couldn't stop giggling.... literally giddy and giggling! Poor BF had to sit there as I made him look at all the cows and Marlboro Man and the punks and... oh I know he just wanted to grab it and bonk me upside the head! I then had to feed BF and so I did. I made pan-seared rosemary pork chops and then made Pioneer Woman's twice baked potatoes to go along with it. It was delicious! oh Yummy! I then sat my fat, full, content butt on the couch and sat for hours. I sat and took in every word and every picture of that book. I felt the pages and listened to the cracking of the fresh spine. I smelled the pages hoping to get a whiff of fresh country air. I was drunk with love over that cookbook. I can't wait to dig in to these recipes. A few I have already printed out and made from her site and a few will never touch BF's lips but I'm still excited to spread the love to all my coworkers! Bring on the POUNDS!!!

OH me, OH MY!

2009-10-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

Well it seems it has been almost two weeks since I last posted.... I think it must be because I have nothing to post about, but then I think about my wild saturday night in when I made my first batch of pot butter for my roommate and drank a very large bottle of wine to myself and then woke up to the bf on the couch and no sheets on the bed with my hair smells like throw up, oh and found a stray mushroom connected to the side of the bed by something sticky and stringy. I think about the awesome Seahawks game on Sunday where we won 41-0 against the Jags and the even more amazing dinner I cooked that night. Steamed clams with my own recipe for the broth, ceaser salad, roasted new potatoes and garlic w/ evoo and white wine, corn on the cobb, and crusty french bread. Then I think about the Reverend Horton Heat/Motorhead show I went to that I could post about. Oh I can't even sum this one up for you! It was STELLAR!! All in all, I don't know what I would like to dive in about and so here is a list of a few of my favorite blogs http://www.thepioneerwoman.com/ http://www.marinknits.blogspot.com/ http://www.bakerella.com/ http://www.itotallyforgotyougohere.blogspot.com/ http://www.marinbakes.blogspot.com/ http://www.motherhoodtellall.blogspot.com/ http://www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

http://threemanycooks.com/

not a blog but a huge inspiration:

http://www.tastykitchen.com/

I have so many more but these were a few to get you thru!

love to you all!!

A dream.... THANK GOD!

2009-10-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

So the other night I had a wicked dream. I think it was my first nightmare in a very very very long time. So let me set you up for it. The other day, Monday I think, BF and I were running errands all day long. We went to Monroe to say hello to his mom and pick up his bday present (a outside fire pit!), we stopped at this crazy gun/fishing shop and got a hip holster-case thingy for his new gun, had lunch, went to the pet store for Wheeler's new collar, Just did a ton of running around in general. We got home late and I went upstairs to fold laundry. I found his "hiding" place for his guns and immediately thought it was a silly stupid spot and too out in the open. So I decided to move them and hide them better. I climbed into bed and never told BF that I moved them, therefore if he needed them he wouldn't be able to find them. Silly me. So I fall asleep and expect to have pleasant dreams of My Little Pony flying around on green hills.... WRONG!! Here is how the dream goes as best as I can remember it

BF and I are sleeping in our bed when I wake up to a strange, quite noise. I sit still and listen to see if I can hear anything. Nothing. I try to fall back asleep only to hear it again. So I lay there completely still and trying not to breathe.

I hear it again and this time I can hear two guys talking, barely above a whisper. I hear them get into the house very sneakily. I tried to wake BF up but he isn't cooperating so I just lay there stone still debating what to do.

I slide out of bed and grab the two guns I hid earlier in the night.

I knew if I didn't grab them right then we might not have a chance later and BF didn't know where I moved them.

I debate if I have time to get clothes on. I decide I don't.

I crawl back into bed and continue trying to wake up BF. For whatever reason the guys downstairs are taking their sweet time and I can hear they aren't actually taking anything... it's more like they are searching for something. BF finally wakes up and I hand him the guns and tell him what's going on.

He tells me to stay in the bed and try to hide under the covers. So I do. I mound the comforter over me and try not to move a muscle.

I hear him go downstairs and confront the two guys and then there is a huge commotion.

Suddenly a third guy ran behind BF and hit him over the head.

I can hear them coming for me. I slide off the bed and hide on the floor until I feel the blankets being ripped off me. It's a huge blur as the men are beating me and pulling me in every direction. I can feel my teeth being knocked out. I can smell the rusty smell of my own bloody being forced out of my body. I can taste the acrid taste.

I end up laying next to BF as the men are tying us up. They leave us there bloody and tied while they go to search for whatever they were looking for.

I can hear them tearing into the floor and bashing into the walls. I have no idea what they want.

I get myself untied and start working on BF. He is almost unconscience. One of the guys comes back into the room and sees me. He starts yelling at me and pulls me down and beats me more. I'm just praying they don't rape me or kill us.

I get a chance to fight him off of me and get a good kick to the gut and get to BF again.

The man stands up and shoots.

I'm sitting there crouched over in my own blood in just my panties trying to figure out if I was shot.

I wasn't.

BF was. The asshole shot him.

I just lay there shaking, not knowing what else to do as the third guy goes back to check on the other guys. They find whatever they wanted in the wall and half way in the floor. They destroy my house, our house.

Before they leave they beat me even more and leave me there to die next to BF.

I accept that fate and curl up next to him. I grasp his hand and lay there, too stunned to pray, too stunned to think.

Next thing I know I'm walking the streets of an urban city, somewhat like London and Seattle combined. I have glasses on and a scarf to cover myself and try to hide into the background of a busy world.

I go shopping because I ddn't know what else there was to do. I go into the most quaint book shops and coffee houses until I finally meet up with a friend who takes me home.

I walk into my house and it's perfect. There are no signs of a battle. No signs of a death taken without warrant. No signs of destroyed walls or bloody carpets.
It's the cleanest I have ever witnessed it.

I notice someone changed all the locks and placed wooden dowels in the windows to give me some feeling of security. I tell my friend to go home and just let me be and she does.
It gets dark and I go to check one of the windows with the dowels in it only to notice it's been shoved open with the dowel stuck in between the two panes of glass and the screen missing. The opening is wide enough for a full grown man to climb thru. And then my mind goes to pitch black.

I woke up form this dream in a full on panic. I had no idea what was real and what wasn't until I felt the sweetest little puppy nuzzle up against my neck and give me sweet puppy breathe kisses and felt the heat of BF's body radiating next to mine and his hand resting on my back. I felt his chest go up and down with the rythmic beat of his breathing. I knew I was safe. I cuddled closer to BF and pulled Wheeler harder against me and tried to fall asleep for the remaining hour before I had to wake up. I told BF where I moved his guns the moment we both woke up. This dream has been stuck in my head ever since. I keep popping back to it. Last night I went upstairs to put the clothes away and lay down and read. I turned on all the lights in the room, locked the window and turned the tv up louder. I just had to get it out of me so there you go. This was the most frightening dream I have had in my adult years. I hope nothing about that dream comes true except for maybe coming home to a spotless house. That would be kinda bad ass.

Ah... LOVE!

2009-09-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I carpool to work with my BF. We live together. We drive to work together, have lunch together, drive home together, brush our teeth together. We are always together. I normally find this to be very stifling. I can't stand always being around the same person for too long. I get cranky and impatient and bitchy. It's similar to having cabin-fever for me. But I never feel this way with BF. I get cranky and frusterated and anxious quite a bit, but never due to being around him too long. It's normally because I need to eat or get out of the house or bake something. No one understands how we can do it. Well this is how:

We don't talk much at work.
We don't talk on the way to work.
We eat our lunch together and will have a smoke break once or twice during the day.
We laugh and chit chat on the way home
I cook dinner while he relaxes or vice-a-versa
I normally go upstairs about an hour earlier than him to watch girly shows
Oh yeah... and I am completely in love with him.

I realized I had found a new level to how much I love him yesterday.

We carpooled to work yesterday but, unfortunately for me, he had a meeting after work and so we ended up having to stay for an extra hour and a half.

Normally I would be pissed! The last thing I want to do on my 'Monday' is to have to stay at work until almost 8pm without getting paid! I happened to have my book with me so it wasn't too horrible.

I was sitting on a barstool back in the Parts area while all the parts guys were in their meeting over in the 'lounge' area. I could hear some of what they were talking about but really only their voices and not what they were actually saying.

So, here I am trying to read but I can't seem to focus! I can hear whenever my BF laughs or makes a comment on something and it was completely distracting!

I can't hear anything that is actually being discussed but I can hear him. I can hear his different inflictions and tones. I can mentally see his smile or his scowl.

This is how we do it. Because I adore the kid and can't seem to be pissed at him for very long.

I freakin' love this guy! I just had to get that off my chest. I feel better now.

An update to "the Re-post" (last entry)

2009-09-26T15:25:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read the post before this, than you should. It's a post that I have reread multiple times a month since I wrote it. It makes me happy. It makes me feel full and complete and snuggly warm. It's like my favorite blanket. I happened to write that post right after I got my new job at Harley and RIGHT before Cory and I became a couple. I am sad to say that I haven't kept to my plan of going to HoP and Armchair weekly. I have even backslided on church. I suppose you could say 'life' got in the way. So much of that post is no longer true but at the same time it is still something that stays in my heart and thoughts daily. Christina quit going to everything almost immediately after that post. She told me that it just didn't feel right to her. She had a lot on her plate of life at that time and instead of embracing a community that would have been there for her to help her she decided it wasn't for her and to find her own 'thing'. I didn't really understand any of her thinking on this and became a bit bitter about it. We eventually had a big falling out over other things and are no longer part of each others life. We haven't been since May. It was something that was very hard on me and for me. I still don't understand her way of thinking and why it all had to dissolve for us but I reached out to her yesterday. I found out she is doing ok and she will let me know when she is ready to get together again and catch up. Without her there to help hold me accountable, I started to wean off of Armchair. With working in Bellevue and getting home at about 7pm then heading straight to Marysville till 11pm on Tuesdays for HoP and Wednesday for Armchair, it was proving to be too much for me. I tried to just go as often as I could and then the less I went the more out of place I felt. I did it to myself. Nothing actually changed but my own opinion of myself. Having three days a week dedicated to something that is the opposite of your boyfriends views becomes difficult as well. Cory and I had the talk at the start of our relationship and we agreed to disagree. He fully supports me and was pushing me to continue going. He didn't want to be the reason I stopped anything I loved and that made me love him so much more. But it still was hard to balance the two seperate lives. There were plenty of nights that I told him 'no' to going to dinner with him or told him I couldn't just snuggle and watch movies because I wouldn't be home till late. Most the time I got home after he was asleep. I decided that Armchair was something that I loved and helped me learn so much about my religion and my own views but I wasn't feeling too 'ready' for it. I didn't feel like I had the knowledge to help anyone else in that group. I expressed my view to everyone nad they all told me I was being silly and they love having me there but I haven't gone since June. I would love to go again this winter. I would love to bring that peaceful feeling back to myself. House of Paine is still there. I don't go as often. It's more like once or twice a month. It still feels like my safe spot. I still love to go sit outside and listen to what is going on in everyones lives. I still find the Paines hospitality to be beautiful and inspirational. I wish I could do more to help them. I wish I could get off early enough on Tuesdays to cook dinner for everyone. I wish I would dedicate more of my time and energy into helping this amazing family because it would help me so much. I know that commuinty will continue to thrive and will always be there for me. I did forge life-long friends there. Even if I don't speak to them daily or often. Even if I don't hangout with them. They will still be apart of my life for a long time to come. They are the type of people that will always have a shoulder for you. I still push myself to get to church every Sunday but it comes out more like every other. I blame it on the summer. It's hard when so much is going on. Now it's football season and even harder but I'm doing better about getting there. I love this church. I tell everyone I know about this church. I try to take anyone that will come with me. I'm not pushy about it. I'm just very passionate about it. I think if more people heard Pastor Matt and his sermons, the world may think a little different about 'religion'. Christina and I haven't lived together since about May. She moved out. She needed a change in her life and it was sucking us both dry. I never even stayed there more than 6 times I think. I eneded up doing what I do best. I jumped head first into another relationship. We actually did just have a few casual hang outs and dates but then a month later we became exclusive and I stayed at his house every night until he moved in with me 4 months later. It was fast. It was sudden. But it seems to be working for us. We are at the 6 month itch and doing awesome. We do our own things often and have been having a blast together. I'm still staying pretty sober. I drink maybe two or three times a month and never really more than 2 or 3 beers. If it wasn't for HoP and Armchair and Mosaic, I don't know where I would be. Probably drunk and stupid and living with the wrong boy.

A look into the past...

2009-09-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

This was the last blog I wrote on MySpace. It meant quite a bit to me and still does. Tomorrow or tonight I am going to do a follow up on this blog. To sort of show where my life is now with this community and how much the past 8-9 months of being a part of this has shaped me. I've been meaning to touch on this for sometime now nad my Aunty Linda happened to give me a little reminder through her blog post today.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My new found community Current mood: confident

So... update on my life I suppose. I just read thru all my old posts and decided some is still true to this day but I have found ways to cope thru it all so much better that I don't even notice any of it anymore. It becomes a way of life. I have found an amazing core group of friends that i feel will be a part of my life for a long time to come. I'm so unbelievably grateful that I was lucky enough to find them. I met this amazing guy named Gavin at the Diamond Knot and he and I began to hang out. He's Christian and we began to talk about our views on the church and spirituality. Unfortunately I was burned bad by an old church and I gave up on organized religion. I went to this thing called Arm Chair with him after about a month of hangin out. He had been inviting me to this and church for sometime and I figured I would give it Arm Chair a go not knowing what to expect but assuming it would be "safer" than church. All I knew was that it was a group of people that meet up at a diner to discuss how to have your spiritual life relate to your "regular" life. A way to have the scripture broken down into a relative way. When I left Arm Chair that first night I still didn't know what to expect. As it worked out that happened to be an off night. More just a gathering of people hanging out with no exact topic. I decided to be consistent and to continue going to this Arm Chair thing so I can get a better idea of it. I went again the next week and was blown away by how intelligent and open these people were. I decided to go ahead and give church a shot. So the Sunday I decide to start going I was running late and almost was going to say nevermind who cares right? Well I got my butt going and raced to where this church is. I get there after it had started and felt a little silly for being there. I sit there listening to Pastor Matt and couldn't believe how unlike this place was to any church I have ever been to. I think to myself, wow! I've been missing out on this for 6 years? How could I have been robbing myself of this and why was I so scared to do this again? After church I decide that I found something truly unique and special and that I will not let myself be robbed of this anymore. I then decide to try this House of Paine Gavin has been telling me about. Once again... I fall in love. This Tuesday ritual that I have been invited to is one of the most amazing things I have ever been a part of. I sat there that first night and just looked around with amazement. I felt right at home, like I was at a family Christmas party but with out all that family "drama". I sat there silently drinking my 6th or 7th coffee, smoking a cigarette, listening to music on the back porch and was debating if I was about to tear up due to the insane amount of black coffee coursing thru my veins or because of where I was sitting and who I was surrounded by. I decided it was the latter. I now make it a point to be at H.O.P. every Tuesday, Arm Chair every Wednesday and church every Sunday. I started bringing my girlfriend Christina with me and she is blown away by all of this love too. We have found a group of young minds that are more giving, more intelligent, more open about God than we ever thought was possible. Some how God has brought us all together from so many different walks of life to help guide each other. The begining of a new type of community has been started. And because I decided to to step out of my comfort zone, I have found this community which has helped Christina and myself so much already and it's only been a month or so. These meetings have brought me a new sense of peace. Before HOP or Arm Chair or even church, I knew what drink specials were at what bars everyday of the week. You wanted to know where to go to get drunk the cheapest, I was your girl. I made a point to go out every night and never sit at home. I made a point to drown away any loneliness or sadness I felt. The only problem with that is I watched my life slip from my grasp. I lost my job. I lost my boyfriend. I lost my money. I lost my self respect. I would go have so much fun and then I would get home around 3 am and wonder why I was so sad. How, after a night of laughing with friends, could I be so lonely? So miserable? Because there was no substance to me. I was a shell of a person. I ran on empty and went thru motions of familiarity. I didn't care about anything except what would keep me busiest the longest. Anything to keep the distraction going so I didn't need to face reality. Now I face those demons and realize they aren't very powerful. I'm better than that. I'm just as amazing and fun when sober. I am not alone. I do not need to feed my need for attention in negative ways. I can be me and do anything. I can go sit alone at a cafe and read. I can find my own way with out a man. So now my week is very busy. I go to HOP on Tuesday, Arm Chair on Wednesday, Bowling on Thursday, Friday, Saturday are wide open and Sunday I have church. I love my life like this. I love where I am and know I still have much more work to do to build myself into what I strive but I'm on my way. I just moved in with Christina. We both know this will be a true test on our friendship but are willing to try. We lean on each other when it gets hard and we push each other to get out there and be ourselves. It's going to be tough at times, we are going to get upset and feel smothered, we are going to feel ignored at some point, we are going to argue over who's turn it is to do the dishes but it's life. I would prefer to go through my life with her by my side then to not. My life has taken an amazing turn of events and I can't wait to see what else is in store for me. I'm currently t aking a break from relationships because I happen to jump in head first and would like time to get to know someone first. I'm right now very happy with that part as well. I have found a few great friends because of this and I look forward to seeing where those go as well. One in particular has made me so unbelievably happy so far and am so excited to have him in my life. Well that's it. My life laid out for you. I know it's a lot to take in. Thank you for reading. Love to you all!

Skydiving!!!!

2009-09-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

Wowsers! It's weird... Everyday I think that I should do a post. Every single day I have something I want to say. But then I get sucked into reading all my other favorite blogs and slackin' off in general. So I suppose this will just be a blabbering post about a few things you have all missed out on. You all, meaning the two of you that follow me! hehe. So... On the 6th I had a birthday surprise for Cory. We were to go jump out of a perfectly good airplane while attached by four clips to another guy that has the parachute. It rained. It rained and rained and rained. I mean, it soaked us to the core while walking from the truck to the Buzz Inn for lunch. A good 50 foot walk. Thank you Washington rain gods for bestowing on me an opportunity to NOT jump out of a plane! Our jump was canceled and i rejoiced! Then I became very pissed off and sad that Cory wasn't going to get his birthday present on his birthday weekend. So instead, we had his mom, dad, brother, and sister-in-law-almost, and my mom come join us for breakfast. Afterwards we all, minus my mom, went back to our house and played card games, watched TV and just relaxed.

And did lots of puppy snuggling! (that's a rope toy on the carpet, not a pee stain) We had a great time laughing and telling stories and NOT jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. Fast forward a week. It's a Sunday and we have the Seahawks season opener game against the Rams at 1pm. We also have our jump rescheduled. Yep. I didn't get to get off the hook. Turned out to be an amazing day with perfect weather and clear blue skies! Once we got to the jump spot I wasn't as nervous as I was expecting to be. I think a lot of that had to do with Cory being so chill about it. We filled out our paperwork to sign our life away and promise not to sue if we die. I refused to read the warnings... I just initialed it all. We watched the video and went outside to practice the position for free-falling and the landing. Then they gave the order of who will jump in the first load and surprise, surprise we were on it! I had enough time to empty my bladder and suit up and nothing else. No last smoke or time to freak out.

We loaded up and were taking off before the door was even down.

It was an amazing flight with spectacular views and everyone is joking and laughing to keep their minds off jumping. Next thing I know the door was rolled up and we were sitting on the edge at about 14,500ft and going about 100mph. I was literally dangling out the plane while my partner was sitting inside. we rocked three times and then were out! I can not describe the feeling. It was spectacular. We were spinning and flipping and dancing in the sky. Just flying without a care in the world at about 130 mph. I loved every second about it. When the chute opened, I got to steer and do circles and loops and dives and stops and have a ball.

Snohomish is gorgeous from way up there... just gorgeous. We came in for our landing fast and hot and smiling. Cory was right behind me so I got to turn around and see him land too. We jumped up and gave each other a huge kiss and a big I LOVE YOU!! Fantastic! Afterwards we had lunch with Cory's parents and talked about the urge to get right back up and maybe even become certified... Oh I want it so bad! Then headed home to change and go to the Seahawk game where we won, of course! The view of the skyline was just gorgeous and a perfect end to a perfect day. All in all, it turned out to be a very exciting day. All our energy was zapped from us and we slept wonderfully while dreaming about dangling out of perfectly good airplanes.

The difference between man 30 and woman 30.

2009-09-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

So.... Today is my boo bear's birthday! He is turning 30. Thirty years old. Three decades old. No longer in the 20's but not quite in mid-life crisis phase. 3-0.

It's odd. I don't know how to feel about this.

Of course I am very happy and excited because it gives me an excuse to shower him with love and gifts. Which makes me look like a great girlfriend, right? I mean, that is the point of giving gifts. To show off how much better your are than any other past gf's gifts? No? That's just me huh? Oh well! I'm OK with that because my gifts are Stellar!!!! Anyways... back on track.

So he's turning 30. Thirty to me is when you start to settle down. Thirty to me is when you look at your life and realize you don't have too much time left before you are 40. And once you turn 40 you are at the top of the hill right? So, essentially, you need to get a lot done in your 30's.

For example, buy a house. You are now officially an adult. You can no longer milk the whole 'I'm still in my 20's and can slack off' excuse. Time to grow up. Time to do the adult thing and buy a house. And once you have a house you start nesting right? So time to get married? Have babies before the girl's fertility starts going down hill? OH SHIT!

These are the things that go thru a girls mind when she is turning 30. Oh shit... My eggs! My eggs!!!

But a guy? Oh man how I hope to hell that the only thing going thru his head as he turns 30 today is whether or not he gets free drinks at the show tonight.

I can deal with him wanting to buy a house. Go for it babe. Good move. But kids? So so so not in our future anytime soon. I still have 7 years before I hit the 30 mark and need to start using those damn eggs!

You want Kids honey? Go buy a hot rod and make it a two seater and we'll call that our baby. Just make sure I get my name and a little crown sown into my seat or a decal on my window.

I'm just thankful we are on the same page when it comes to this. I'm not concerned. We got it all figured out, or so we hope. We still got 7 years before that wretched sound of a screaming 3 month old starts to sound appealing and not appalling. We still have 7 years of spoiling each other and doing whatever we want when we want before I get bit by that nasty little baby bug.

Don't get me wrong, I love the things (babies). But only when I can give it back after 20 minutes. Just don't have that motherly instinct or patience, yet. I think it will be one of those things I never get until it's a necessity.

So for now... I'm going to enjoy my old man. He's 30 today. He's 30 and looking better than ever! He gets closer to my perfection everyday. Or my perfection keeps morphing to what and who he is. Either way, I'm content with our life together and oh so happy we don't have to deal with any of those pesky "adult" issues quite yet.

So in honor of my insanely gorgeous, sexy, wonderful, funny, perfect little ass man, Boo Bear, I would like everyone... so that's all 3 of you reading this, to have a drink for him tonight. Cheers to his mother for creating this awesome creature 30 years ago today!

Happy Birthday Boo Bear and I love you!

(now go buy me a damn hot rod!)

A blessed life...

2009-09-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

We all have one. We really do. I promise. It just all depends on how many layers of shit you are willing to tredge thru in order to get to it. Like a pearl I suppose. How many years of pressure can you allow yourself to take? Is it easier to let that pressure pull you down inside of yourselves until your outer shell cracks and can never produce anything of beauty and you are left, jagged and broken on a shore somewhere. The softest parts of you exposed to a too harsh world? Or is it easier to buck up. Grow those protective barnacles and realize that today is just a day. A wave is just a wave. Nothing more, nothing less. It will still pick you up and tumble you around. Just somedays it may be softer, playful tumbles. Otherdays it may feel like you are being pounded into the ground with tons of sand being piled on top of you. That sand may trap you. Then all you want in the world is a different wave to come shake that sand off and pick you up to playfully toss you around again. But no matter what it's up to us, not that wave or that day, on whether we allow ourselves to become buried and entombed in our troubles. It's how the world works. Somethings may feel like the hardest thing you will ever have to go thru. And it very well might end up being true. But another day will always come. Another day will bring you new challenges. Another day will bring you fresh smiles. Another day will allow your heart to heal. This year has been a very hard year for quite a bit of my stash of friends and family. it seems that the majority of us have had a significant loss this year. Whether it was a job, the loss of a relationship, the death of a parent, a brother, a son, a husband. The loss of friendships. The loss of comfort. We all seemed to expereince it a little every day. Sometimes it traps us down and makes us turn to things to mask the truth. Sometimes it makes us more brutally honest. No matter what though.... A new day will come tomorrow. We will have another day to prove ourselves. Another day to learn from what we lost. I don't know if it's easier to allow yourself to break or to never allow those cracks. I think we all need a good balance of the two. We need to let ourselves be a bit vulnerable sometimes, but we need to know when that tough shell will come in handy. I ramble to all hell in this and used one of the silliest analogies so thanks for bearing with me. I'll go into why I felt the need for this post in the next few days. For now though, just know someone is always there to help you if you ask. Someone will always offer you a joke when you need one and a shoulder to cry on. That is one of the many ways we are all so blessed.

My brother Brandon

2009-08-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

Today is my brother Brandon's birthday. He is turning 28 years old today! He's a pretty awesome guy if I do say so myself. He has been there for me through it all. Thru my first boyfriend, my first cigarette, my first beer, my first lie, he knows it all.

The first time I ever lied, I was around 3, I had wet my pants and my mom asked me if I peed in my pants. I looked her straight in the face and said "NO! Brandon did!" From that point on I used Brandon as my scapegoat for almost everything. It doesn't work so well anymore.

I remember Brandon used to let me hang out at parties he would throw at the house as long as I would clean it all up the next day so mom would never know. I always thought he was being so cool to let me party with the older kids but in reality he just didn't want me to blow his cover to mom.

Before he had his license he would steal our old Cadillac to take it to the driving range or to Taco Bell. He would let me go with as long as I promised not to tell on him. I loved it. I felt like a rebel. Once he started dating Stephanie, his now wife, I was allowed to hang out a lot more. Steph and her friends were always good sports and would let me tag a long to almost everything they would do. His friends were like older brothers and sisters to me. They always looked out for me and still do. If I showed up at a party, they would always make sure nothing bad would happen to me and include me in on everything. I rarely was treated like the baby sister.

As we got older we started doing our own things. Brandon moved out and got an apartment with Stephanie. I moved in with my boyfriend, Adam. We still hung out every once in a while but not nearly as often. He turned 21 and started going to bars and I was still a little high school kid. I broke up with Adam at the end of my Junior year and needed somewhere to live. Brandon and Stephanie where living in a 3 bedroom duplex with Brandon's best friend, Seth. Being the great bro he is, he cleaned out half of the 3rd bedroom and put up a shower curtain to divide the rooms and let me live with them.

My room was half the boys office/game room and half 17 year old high school girl. I was living with them right when they started planning their wedding and it was a blast. I loved living with my brother. After I graduated I moved out and down to Cali for a few months and then back home. This time I lived with Austin but I still stayed at Bran's most of the time. He had a baby girl, Mikayla, and I would help watch her when I could.

Brandon has always been there when I've really needed it. When I got in some serious trouble on a school trip my freshman year he was the one I called. When I got in my first car accident and needed a guardian to release me from care, he is who I called. When I lost my "v-card", he was the one I told. When I found out I might not graduate, Bran and Steph were the ones that lit a fire under my ass. When I snuck out the first time and didn't come home till 5am, he was the one out checking the ditches and looking for me.

My brother Brandon is one of the best guys I know. He is the only guy I know will make me laugh every 3 minutes or so. He is right up there next to my pops when it comes to people I want to be proud of me. He may not be as sensitive as Austin and he may make fun of me until I cry every time I see him, but he is still the rock in my life. Thank you for being my brother Brandon. Thank you for always being you and always being there for me. You are an awesome brother, a great son, and an amazing father! I love you!

My jobs and the stigmas that go with them

2009-08-21T11:28:00.000-07:00

So I work at a Harley-Davidson shop and currently I am in charge of the Evo Espresso bar. It doesn't sound very glamorous and it really isn't. In the bike industry you are either part of the sales team and know your product, or you are the receptionist, office chick, or Espresso girl. If you are part of the "team" you get much more respect. People think you have knowledge about the products, the bikes, the best roads to ride on. They believe you must ride yourself and they seem to like you a whole lot more. But, when you are just the Espresso girl, receptionist and so on, you suddenly turn into "the cute girl". The girl that knows nothing about bikes. The girl that is only here in between quarters at college. You must be in college to perform these jobs. Somehow it's unthinkable for you to WANT to be a barista if you aren't in school. It's the lowest spot on the totem pole.

Now I used to work in a different dealership. I worked at Lynnwood Cycle Barn's now defunct metric location. I worked there for 2 years. I was NOT the receptionist or barista except for when the position needed to be covered. I have been an enthusiast for this industry for years. I worked in Motorclothes. Which still had its stigmas. Such as: You were just there for eye candy. You were the Motorhoes. You couldn't possibly know that the helmet is too small or too big or that certain chemicals will eat away at the strip on the bottom of Arai helmets. You can't possibly understand what gear is the most protective and comfortable to ride in. I had many guys tell me that they would prefer a guy to tell them everything I just told them. You couldn't really know how each helmet is made and the process that goes into it. There was no way in hell you knew how the cow hide was treated to get the right thickness and softness. So on and so on. You couldn't possibly be able to see a guy on a bike ride past and tell you the specs on everything he was wearing."

But you got more respect from the men then the "dumbo bimbos" that work in the cafe and front counter. It's just how it worked. While at Cycle Barn I stepped away from Motorclothes because of all the girl drama. It was starting to be a huge cat fight everyday and I needed to work with the boys.

So I started working in shipping & receiving. I touched every part that came into that store. I knew the computer program better than half the people on the floor. I was throwin' tires and slingin' lube day in and day out. I was forklift certified. I knew every part that went into a Honda 50cc motor and knew what a petcock was. I loved my job. I got more respect for my job. I was GOOD at my job.

I'm also an amazing barista. The Cafe de Barn was going down hill fast. My boss in shipping was the boss of the cafe. I soon took that over. I did the orders and trained the girls. I advised him on who to fire and who to keep. I was the manager of the cafe and I did that while working in the back. I loved it. So I got to do the two things I love. Make coffee and stay in the back AND be in the industry I love! What more can a girl ask for?

A lot more it turns out. I worked there for 2 years and received one $1 raise. It was bullshit. I worked harder than the majority of people there. My product was out to the floor before you could even take a 2nd break. I covered every department that needed me while still completing my own job tasks. My boss could go on 3 week vacations and know that everything would be getting done. I turned a cafe with a $6k deficit into at least coming out even. I was a huge asset to that company.

But no matter how much my boss fought for me to get a raise, they refused. So I made the decision to quit. That decision was one of the hardest.

I started working in a cubicle as a customer service rep at a collection agency and I hated it. Yes I was getting paid $3 more an hour, but I hated my job. Try telling someone that you work for a collection agency and see the response you get. People hate collectors like they hate lawyers. You never want to hear from either of them. I had to tell people that asked where I worked not to worry, that I wasn't an actual collector. I had to wear dress shoes and business attire. I had to file for hours on end. I was on the phone with retarded clients that didn't know what was going on. I had to baby the collectors because they didn't know how to do their job. I hated it.

I eventually got fired from that job.

A month later I called a few of my reps from when I worked at Cycle Barn. I was still in contact with them and saw them at every bike event. I asked them to keep their eyes open because I wanted back into the bike game. I needed to be back.

I got an interview at Eastside Harley and it was all over from there. They were going to put me in motorclothes but needed someone to start the espresso bar back up. So they stuck me in there against their will. They tried to tell me I was too qualified to work there. They thought the same about motorclothes. I had to tell them I wouldn't be interviewing unless I wanted to be there. I have managed to turn profit in the cafe and have made it successful.

I'm just the barista but that's OK.

The boss men know I'm more than that and they got plans for me. Don't judge me and think I can't do anything more than make coffee. I can do it all. And I will. In the next few months I'll be scaling down the cafe and start doing inventory control. I will be in charge of redoing the entire way motorclothes keeps their products. I will re-organize storage and show them a better way to track progress. After that, who knows where I will be. They may put me back into the cafe. They may keep me in motorclothes. Heck, I might be the receptionist but as I'm sitting at these positions, listening to everyone's spiel on how I should want more out of my life, I'll be the one smiling. I know I'm where I'm happy and I know I have big plans in my future.

This dealership has come into my life when I needed it most. The people here are outstanding and I met a guy. The guy. I met Cory. My life has gone from a crazy, hectic, alcholic spiral into a stable, healthy, happy line. But we'll save that for another post.

Just remember, that girl that works at your coffee stand, she probably has a whole lot more going on than you think. Maybe she's in college, a lot of them are. But maybe she owns that stand and four more down the road. Maybe she works there to supplement her own t-shirt line. Maybe she just loves making coffee and does it well enough to support her life. Same with those receptionists. Drop those stigmas and remember we don't know what these girls do when they get home. We don't know if they are stoked on that job and are right where they want to be in life. Suppose it comes down to don't judge a chick by her profession. I still feel silly telling people I work in the cafe. I still feel like I need to justify it. Like I need to prove I came for the bikes, not the coffee. But I'm getting better at being proud of where I am. It's the best damn place I've been in my entire life.

The people and pets I live with

2009-08-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

Let's see..... Hmm.... Where to start.... I'm living in Mukilteo, well, Everett if you want to be precise. I live with my boyfriend Cory; my brother Austin; and Cory's friend, JJ. It's still very new and we are all still learning each others quirks and pet peeves. We have a fish that my niece, Mikayla, named Pretzel, much to Cory's dismay. He thinks it's a silly name since it looks nothing like a pretzel but it has stuck so that's his name. Prezel is pretty bad ass... You can shake his food at the tank and he'll come swimming right up. Or if you are just chillin in the kitchen he'll swim up and watch everything you do. We just got a little puppy and his name is Wheeler. I tried to tell him he looks nothing like a Wheeler but than the damn dog had to go climb all over everything as if to tell me he may not look the part but he can act the part. Wheeler was a rescue puppy and has had a tough little life for the first 8 weeks. His momma and all his litter mates were dropped off at the main intersection in Granite Falls, WA. All of his brothers and sisters and momma died. One sister and Wheeler were caught but the sister had been hit and had massive injuries to the neck and back and so she was euthanized. Wheeler was the sole survivor. The lady that caught him had rehomed him to a family with 2 little kids who named him Cody and that lasted for about a day until the landlord saw him and knew he would be more than 30lbs. So they took 'Cody' back to the person they got him from. Luckily for me, I was searching Craigslist daily for a puppy that fit Cory's requirements. I showed him a pic of Wheeler and we went to go see him that night. He was the sweetest dog in the world and very smart. We put him in the bed of the truck to let him wander around while we talked to the chicka that was rehoming him. He was very good and just kinda did his own thing but came when you called him and didn't seem skiddish of anything driving past on the highway. Huge trucks and little race cars didn't even make him perk his big ol' ears up but then it happened. A Harley rode by and all of a sudden His ears were up and he was trying to look over the side to see it. We thought it was a fluke then a second one went by and the same thing happened. Cory looks straight at me and then at the lady and said he's a keeper, he likes Harleys. Wheeler is pretty well adjusted and has already been on a few little weekend trips with us and listens very well. He is just about fully potty trained already at a 9 weeks! He can sit and stay. He knows NO very well. He doesn't chew on anything yet but I'm sure that will change pretty soon. Altogether a good looking puppy and super chill. We lucked out on this one! So onto the people.... Let's start with Austin. Austin is my older, but not oldest, brother. He has been living with me since about May and so far so good. He's kinda a hermit and doesn't really socialize with any of us but that's the way he likes it so who am I to force him out of his little dungeon. We have always been pretty close and he is the sweetest guy I have ever known. The last time we lived together was right after I graduated high school and moved back home from my little stint in Cali. It was interesting back then. We were dirt poor and living off of canned potatoes and food people would clear out of the pantry to give us. We shopped at the Grocery Outlet and barely ever had money for gas. We were sharing a car and tryin to make it work. I think I was making about $7.58 and hour working at Albertson's. Anyways.... He is an awesome roomie; doesn't make messes, pays the bills on time and even babysits Wheeler! I love my brother! JJ has been my boyfriends friend since they were wee little tots. I don't know too much about him but I know he has a solid head about him and happens to be a big lover. I can always count on JJ for comedic relief. I think it weirds him out to live with a couple and I think he feels awkward sometimes but it works. He loves to cook so it's lots of fun for me because we kinda take turns and learn from each other. I would have to say he is a pretty solid guy. I joke with Cory all the time about how JJ is totally my #2 and if me and him don't work at least I can fall back on JJ. Cory doesn't think it's very funny though. Hehehe I'm not going to go into Cory right now. I could write abook about him. Just know that he is amazing and you'll learn lots about him... Well, not too much because he would probably kick my booty for writing a blog about him. He likes to stay private. But I'm an open book! So I need to find a good balance before I start in on him. So long for now!

The first of many!

2009-08-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

Well I suppose I should start with a hello to all of you out there in the cyber world and let you know what the point of this blog is for. I really don't know what this will morph into. It may become about my cooking and how I wish I could be Ree (www.thepioneerwoman.com) and whether the newest recipe turned out well. I may post my favorite recipes or I might be extremely selfish and not share my secrets. It may become a bitching post for all the things that irritate me. Whether it's about my amazing boyfriend, my growing puppy, the fact that I live with 3 men and everything that entails. Or maybe the irritating customers from my job or that asshole that cut me off in traffic this morning. It may become about my quest to get into culinary school. I'm wanting to apply at the Art Institute of Seattle for my Bachelor of Science in Culinary Management. If I get in this might never be updated or if it is, it might teach you all the terms I'm learning. I really don't know where I'll go at all with this but I think that's the fun part. It's free for me to do whatever I please. To talk about my childhood, my adulthood, my goals and dreams. To discuss important topics like Harleys vs Triumphs and Tundra vs Tacoma and Waterproof Mascara vs Non-Waterproof and God vs the World. Stick around. It should be an interesting ride.